ARE YOU A STONEWALLER? THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

Every relationship has it's moments of good and bad, beautiful highs and rock bottom lows. There is no relationship that does not have issues. Stonewalling is a big issue when it occurs in relationships and if not carefully checked can lead to an early demise of the relationship. Stonewalling is not totally silent treatment but they follow each other; after stonewalling, comes the silent treatment.

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What is stonewalling?

Just like the word implies, it simply means building a stone wall. Stonewalling is an act of withdrawing from a conversation or discussion and refusing to engage or participate in whatever one's partner demands from them. In simple terms, stonewalling is ignoring your partner when they try to have an important discussion or address an issue that is significant to them.

This behaviour is said to be peculiar to men. Most men exhibit this behavior to gain leverage or power over their partner. Although there could be several reasons for this, women's stonewalling is a typical function of temperament. Stonewalling shuts down conversation before it begins. It creates a demand- withdraw pattern in a relationship. When one partner withdraws, the other partner becomes increasingly demanding in response and this leads to anxiety, depression, further conflict within a relationship.

A stonewalled continually invalidated their partner, rudely redirects the conversation and unwilling to add to issues at hand even as they continue to build beneath the surface. This breeds anxiety, unnecessary tension and drama which could have easily been avoided by lending a listening ear and a willingness to converse. Narcissistic stonewallers usually starts off in the beginning giving their partner maximum attention, love and support but later in the relationship, their partners ends up being the one trying to win them over.

It is a toxic behaviour and it endangers the life cycle of the relationship. Stonewallers always feel like they owe their partners no explanation whatsoever and are unwilling to respond to their partners concern for a period of time. This leaves the partner with a sense of self doubt and feeling belittled and intimidated. A narcissistic stonewaller feeds off the partner's trauma and thrives in the power and control they feel as they continue to treat them like a puppet controlling the wheels of the relationship.

In a healthy relationship, stonewalling can happen as a defence mechanism, as a way to avoid conflicts but regardless of the intention, the partner gets a negative vibes off this behavior. When the person, at the receiving end needs is being ignored, they are frustrated and tend to double effort at pleasing their partners. When you have a stonewalling partner, the problem is not always you. Do not engage in self blame or try to know what is wrong because you might not get an answer. You want to reconnect to restore the good dynamics in your relationship but it feels like you are banging your head against the brick wall. Best bet is to get busy and ignore them, go have some fun and do what makes you happy. When they notice you ain't wallowing in self pity, they try to reach out.

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EFFECTS OF STONEWALLING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

1. Stonewalling in a relationship makes your partner feel vulnerable. They may begin to feel resentful that they are being treated in such a hostile, distant manner.

2. The partner at the receiving end may stop trying to engage, having tried and failed to get a response so many times. This leads to emotional stalemate where no emotions ever get expressed.

3. Connection between partners becomes weaker and weaker as there is no communication and this may eventually lead to a break up.

TYPICAL STONEWALLING BEHAVIORS.

• Silent treatment when addressed.
• Replies in monotone utterances or monosyllables.
• Tunes out- pretends not to hear or listen.
• Physically removed oneself.
• Changes the subject of discussion.

WHY DO PEOPLE STONEWALL?

1. A form of punishment: sometimes people stonewall as a form of punishment to their partners. It can be like a passive-aggressive game. We do it because we feel our partner should already know what's wrong especially if they did something wrong.

2. As a form of avoiding conflict. Some are not sure of how to react or what to say when conflict arises so they stonewall as a means to avoid dealing with the problem at hand.

3. Stress: a partner who has a busy life and lots of commitments usually do not find enough time to converse or address any issues that is of course to their partner.

4. Past experience: a partner who has in time past been criticized or ill treated for voicing out may end up stonewalling to avoid a repeat.

5. Habit: some people grew up in an environment where nobody says anything to anybody and all emotions are bottled up and never discussed. Talking about emotions for such people may make them anxious or upset.

Partners attempt to Stonewall could have been an attempt to shut out criticism, contempt, and nagging. When stonewalling is deliberate, a partner might be trying to dominate the relationship. They could be trying to control you by not addressing the issue and stopping you from taking action too.

HOW TO HANDLE A STONEWALLING PARTNER

1. Know the source of the problem. It is frustrating to be stonewalled but reacting in a negative way will not solve the problem. Find out the reasons for the behaviour. Check your character, is it encouraging? Is this a defence mechanism or a way of controlling you? It is very important to understand the source of the problem so it can be addressed.

2. Be understanding and compassionate. Make them understand you are willing to help if only they are willing to talk. Be kind. Be very reassuring. Suggest to them to talk it out with someone other than you if that would make them feel more relaxed to express their emotions. Sometimes, we find it easier opening up to someone who we are not in a relationship with. It could be a family member or a trusted friend or perhaps a counselor.

3. Resist the temptation. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. It is tempting to resist to resort to similar behaviour but do not. Someone has to be sane enough to keep the communication lines open.

4. Reevaluate the situation. Is it a constant occurrence? If it is a matter of habit other than an isolated method of defence then try to seek reconnection. Take a walk down the memory lane and make conscious effort to focus on the positive aspect of your relationship. Try to make it work but if it persists, visit a counselor or take the most difficult way out; seek for a break up.
   

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   Are you a stonewaller? Understand that even though it is difficult, make an effort to communicate and get things in the open than keep them hidden. You can write down what you have to say. Sometimes it is easier to express difficult emotions through writing than talking. It also gives you the opportunity of thinking clearly what to say and also deleting the habits which do not sound right.

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