How to get your husband to do what you want (and other people too)

Do you ever have those moments where something happens, it makes you feel a certain way, typically unpleasant. Then in the next moment, a piece of information comes to you, an insight - and it gives you exactly what you need to learn from the moment before. You get your click, and you are better off than if the whole thing hadn't happened. Familiar? I had a click like that, and decided to write a post about it just to make it sink in a little deeper. And who knows, someone might read this and get a bit of a click too.

This one is about getting what you want, about deadly expectations and assumptions in relationships, and how to be a powerful person who can create the reality you want, even when there are other people with their own personal interests involved. Even husbands.

The park-bench-bad-coffee situation

Yesterday I had to be at work only at 11 am. And my husband had a free morning too. After our usual morning cup of tea, we found out we had nothing for breakfast. Which happens all the time - we're no good at shopping ahead, tend to buy what we want for the upcoming meal and just go back to the shops next time we get hungry. So we had to go somewhere for breakfast, and we decided to go close to where I work to save ourselves some time.

My idea was to get some breakfast and coffee at one of the cute little places close by. But my husbands idea was to go to the supermarket, get our usual groceries including breakfast material and find a place to sit in the park and enjoy our time there. He also wanted to buy an icepack and new insoles for in his sport shoes. So in the end we went to multiple shops and got some croissants and a yoghurt drink from the supermarket and got to a bench in the park. But I still wanted coffee, so I headed back to at least get myself a free coffee from the supermarket, which tasted rather bad actually. And I was a bit dissatisfied because this had not been my idea of getting some nice breakfast together, and my husband got annoyed with me for being discontent. So we were both moody, and he decided he'd rather go home and get started on his studies, leaving me with another 30 minutes to go before work, sitting on the park bench by myself.

This was actually not yesterday's park. It wasn't even yesterday - I'm sure by now, these ferns are big and green. But this post turned out to be a great place to drop some lying-around park pictures.

Time for some reflection

The weather was completely lovely. And the ducks and other birds which google translates as coots, no idea if that's the one I'm talking about (meerkoeten in Dutch) were having another round of tiny babies so the park bench was a great place to be. I had a look at exactly why I got irritated. And figured it's because I had wanted something different for the morning, and my husband had not gone to the effort of making it a priority to find how both of us could have what we wanted. He had made up his own mind about how he would like things to be, and that's what we did.

I have this interesting ebook sitting in my phone (which is way to large, doesn't fit in any pocket, but makes it suitable as e-reader), called 'How To Win Friends And Influence People' by Dale Carnegie. The most shocking part: it's from 1936! But still very relevant, and I'd definitely recommend it. So with my 30 minutes left, I opened the book at the part where Carnegie talks about the third technique for handling people: 'arouse in the other person an eager want'. He says all of us are always looking out for our personal best interest. And there is nothing wrong with that. But if you want to be able to handle others, to influence them, then it makes a lot of sense to know what the other person wants and to find a match between your interest and theirs. Be aware of what they want, then find a way to frame what you want in such a way that both desires are met. It's not manipulation - it's creating a win win situation.

What's new

It is very probable that this idea, to understand what the other person wants and use it to include your desires being met, is not new to you. It's not new to me either, but it never hurts to repeat, because this is such a fundamental peoples skill and all of us will benefit the more we put it into practice. But, yesterday this particular bit of information gave me that click, that perfectly timed insight on why I got moody about the park-bench-bad-coffee situation. And as always with the best kind of clicks, this insight has all the potential to prevent similar moodiness in the future.

These pictures are from my visit to Trompenburg Arboretum, which happens to be just a few hundred meters from where I was sitting in the park yesterday. But the Arboretum is more a garden than a park.

Fatal

What is most deadly to loving, friendly, happy relationships? I'd say: ideas about what the relationship should look like, based on anything from the books we read or movies we've watched to how our parents behaved together, and which we are not fully aware of. In other words, expectations. (Hidden) expectations are just deadly. They make you expect all these things from the other person. When the other person manages to fulfil them you, you're probably not thrilled but more like 'well yeah, that is what you should be doing'. On the downside, if they're not living up to those expectations, they'll get a lot of negativity. Probably not in the form of direct feedback. But probably in the form of doubts, whether this relationship is actually working, whether there is something fundamentally wrong or not.

In the back of our minds are these ideas about what a relationship should be, and if we feel those requirements are not being met, we allow it to shake all our confidence in the relationship. Very sad. We should rather have a closer look at those expectations and requirements and ditch as many as we can.

Does he think I am important?

For me, one of the 'unaware' expectations I've carried for a long time, grown more aware of but still carry a bit of (apparently), is that my husband should prioritise what I want, or at least should try to figure our how we can make things happen in a way we are both happy. In my head there seems to be this connection, that if my husband thinks what I want is important, then it means he thinks I am important. It's a deadly expectation + assumption combination, and here are at least two reasons why:

1. It's just the way the cookie crumbles

Dale Carnegie helped remind me of this one. All people think in their own interest. It has nothing to do with loving someone else or thinking they are important or not. It's just how we roll, and it is fine. I am the person who has to stand up for my own interests, and if I want to have more success in my interests being met, then it makes sense to figure out what the other person wants and find a solution where we both get what we want. Whether that other person is my husband or my mom or a friend or a colleague or a stranger MAKES NO DIFFERENCE! I had to put that in all caps, even though it looks terrible. But it is so important!

You know how people say relationships are hard work? I think that is total BS. It's just as much work as relating to any person place or thing in the whole world. Us expecting our partners to be miracle workers and then getting disappointed, that's what makes it seem hard. My husband is not required in any way to have my interests in mind. To be honest, I love it how he knows what he wants and makes it happen. I can do the same, and from experience I know it is always possible to find a solution that works for both of us. No one and nothing in this world knows my interests like I do, and they shouldn't be working to meet them, I should. I'm a powerful being, I can create the realities I want. I do not need another person to be looking out for me, that is not love that is just dependency.

With a partner, as with anyone else, we have to be clear about what we want, know what their interests are and be smart to find a common solution which fits both our interests. We are in charge of developing that skill, the more we have of it the more successful we'll be in life. The idea that this skill should not be required among lovers is a useless idea, which will get you disappointed and will ruin your powerfulness and potential as a human being.

My visit to the arboretum was before the baby ducks and coots showed up. They had a lot of these huge fish though.

2. Blaming vs spotting opportunities

My husband got moody when I was dissatisfied with the park-bench-bad-coffee situation. Why? Because things didn't turn out as I wanted, and I was blaming him (subtly). I'm lucky, he never pulls anything like that on me. See, when I write down that I wanted a breakfast and coffee at one of the cute little coffee places close to where I work, I don't mention just how I communicated that to my husband. The point is, I mentioned it (a few times), but only as an option. I didn't get to the point where I said: and this is what I want. My way of framing sentences actually very often is 'we could do this', or 'how would you like to do this?'. While writing this post, I'm realising again that always, when I frame things in 'and this is what I want', my husband is always supportive and works along to make it happen. In this particular morning breakfast situation, I had not been clear about my interests. But I blamed him anyway. For what? For not guessing my thoughts? For not picking up the hint and asking, if you're saying 'we could do xxx', do you actually mean that is what you want to do? Oh my god. I would never want to expect that from him. That is just overcomplicating things so very much.

Even when we were there on the bench, finished our croissants and yoghurt drink. Any other mood than being dissatisfied and blaming him, would have allowed me to think in opportunities. Still half an hour time left, still many good places to get a coffee close by. It was my mood, feeling he doesn't think what I want is important, which made me see only bad options. The free supermarket coffee bad option. Or behaving in such a way that my husband rather went home to get started on his studies bad option. With all the options I had, it was me who created a situation which wasn't really to my liking.

Blaming someone else happens when I don't take responsibility to create what I want. It's a mood that gets me stuck with how I didn't get what I wanted, instead of seeing what the possibilities of the current situation are.

Just a bit more colour for entertainment purposes.

Summing it up

In life, a great way to get what you want is by knowing what someone else wants, then combining both interests in one solution so you can both work at it together. This will work with your pet, with your kid, with your boss, with your neighbour, and even with your husband. Or wife. Or boyfriend. Or baby brother.

Getting what you want, through understanding what the other person wants, is not manipulation. It is simply a win win situation. You getting better at creating win win situations will empower you to create life as you want it.

Do not, ever, expect another person to create what you want, to fight for your interests. No one knows what you want, the way you do. Getting what you wanted is your responsibility.

Whenever you blame someone else for not getting what you wanted, you are stuck with a load of nonsense. Wake up to your own (hidden, faulty) expectations, and dump them. Realise how powerful you are, that maybe all you need is a little practice on your people influencing skills. Know what you want, know what the other wants, find creative solutions. Blaming will get you in a space of only seeing bad options. While creative solutions are ALWAYS within your grasp.

Thank you

Great - writing this post helped me to get my head around this topic just a little more. If you can use any of this for your personal well-being, than that is also awesome! Thanks a lot in general, for this platform being here so I can organise my thoughts somewhere. If you actually read all this, then that is extra amazing and my thanks to you for being my audience. If you actually follow this account and regularly read my posts and upvote and comment... well what can I say. Then you're simply supercool and I'm really really happy with all and any support you're giving!

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