At-One-Ment

Atonement (noun)
\ ə-ˈtōn-mənt
1 : reparation for an offense or injury
2 : the exemplifying of human oneness with God

I am human, for better and for worse, and I make more mistakes than I would like to admit.

But experience shows that acknowledging my shortcomings is super important if I want to be a better me, so I practice humbling myself.

And I need a lot of practice, because I'm definitely not very good at taking a knee. I'm willing to acknowledge, explore, and reflect on this too.

Lately I am considering my recent mistakes in letting anger get the better of me - again. Of taking it out on people I deeply love and respect...yet what kind of love and respect am I actually embodying and demonstrating to behave like a jackass if the mood strikes me just so? Is it really love and respect if it comes with all kinds of conditions - like I can only feel it and live it IF I'm well rested and not hungry, or only if the other person behaves just so? Yeah, right...

I can't control anyone but myself, so better let go of any and all expectations of who or what someone else "should" be asap...otherwise I'll always find myself displeased, disappointed, unhappy, unsatisfied, and I'll always be a victim with someone else to blame for my own suffering! No thanks.

And what kind of self-mastery is it to "be love" only if I'm within a narrow range of physical comfort? I'm going to be hungry, tired, hot, cold, crowded, etc from time to time in this life... I won't be much of a badass if I flip shit any time the external environment is not to my optimal preference. That is also weak victim bullshit if I make it something else's fault for how I conduct myself.

After my recent moment of rage and disrespect, I felt like a big dumb asshole for losing my temper. Again! And then came the guilt and shame spiral, which in some ways is worse than the anger...

Oh brother!

Welp, it happened. I made mistakes that don't feel good.

My loved ones have already forgiven me - thankfully THEY are embodying the type of radical love I want to experience. Thankfully I can learn from them, because my way isn't building a better world. Thankfully @quinneaker has been holding my hand for years, teaching me and repeating all these lessons again and again. THANKFULLY he has done this for me unwaveringly, even when I was a bigger asshole than I am now, so I know in the depths of my soul the truth of his generosity and benevolence and compassion...

I am forgiven, so it's not really that big a deal...except that it is, because this is hardly my first offense.

How many fouls do I get before I'm ejected from the game? It is not my intention to push the boundaries of "how much bitchiness can I get away with"...

SO the real question is, how to make up for fucking up???

Apologies are fine and all, but don't mean anything without some action behind it. I have to acknowledge the mistake, accept where I'm at, and take responsibility for and actually upgrade.

Maybe it is not perfect, but this is my atonement. This is a return - coming back to truth, coming back to oneness, coming back to love.

Coming back, humbled, to try again.

I may not be perfect, but I can try to wear my imperfection gracefully.

✨💛✨ Sara!