the effects of mental illness

all right guys this might just be a big story, and I'm going to have to give some background before the actual story starts

so lets rewind to about 2 months ago

at that stage me and my ex girlfriend were dating and it all got very serious, like I love this woman to death, and I know she loved me, but if I knew then what I did now I would not be sitting here and writing this post, yet, here we are. we decided that we would move in together , I left my home town to be with her, and man was that a scary step to take. just packed up and moved in with her as soon as I got a job in her city, which is about a 4 hour drive away.

at the initial stages we were house sitting so I didn't really get to settle in for the first two weeks, which was okay because I was with the love of my life every single day which made me feel a lot better about the whole situation

so here comes the big scene... Depression, I have struggled with Bi-Polar disorder and I used to get treatment but left that years ago, because smart me thought and to a certain extent believed that I was better and I don't need them
well turns out I did

the stress of starting a new job, moving very far and not having a support system got to me heavily, to the stage where I would have manic episodes again, something that hasn't happened to in years, it was a whirlwind this much I can tell you.

so, after this started taking over my mind, everything got foggy, and it still is a little bit I started making huge decisions without thinking stuff I always felt bad about after, and doing the classic stuff depressed people do. like withdraw, I didn't talk to my ex girlfriend about how I was feeling and I can fully say that led to the demise of our relationship.

I moved back to my home town after a very straining couple of weeks and I was back in my home town, I should feel better right? no I feel even worse now, do I regret leaving and moving back home? A MILLION TIMES YES
my judgement was heavily clouded by whatever is taking over my mind, and I lost track of myself but also of this person, this person that is so important to me, this person that I love and I believe is my soulmate. I have hurt this person so deeply that she will never ever forgive me. C if you are reading this I am so very sorry for everything that I have done to you.

but I digress. i am back in my home town and I've gone to the psychologist and had a massive conversation and he prescribed medication, that I should have been on for years. and I have been taking them religiously.

but this whole thing made me realize that a mental illness can have a major effect on you yes, but also the people around you, your decisions and actions hurt other people, and I know when you are feeling so bad/low/tired/drained, you don't really see past your own issues, but I wish I did! I wish I could go back in time and correct some of my actions

and not eventually lose the love of my life. but you live and you learn right.