From a slave to a master chapter # 37 - The Ego, Shyness and two successful ways to overcome it

A Memoir

The Ego, from the time of our childhood, creates a pattern of shyness that colors our personality for many years to come. Whether we suffer from chronic shyness or just averagely shy there are two practical tools that can completely release this burden.

credit: Peruvian artist Cecilia Paredes

The first tool

... that exists for our disposal and which will have a crucial effect on our mature life and on our status among the members of the society to which we belong is the working on our self-esteem. The self image that we have of ourselves is of the utmost importance and no wonder we are constantly encouraged, since childhood, to appreciate ourselves, to recognize our vast potential or to simply accept who we are.

When relationships, in particular, are involved the importance of our self-esteem is seventh fold higher. That is because when we meet our TrueLove s/he will convey to us the impression that we are all-mighty, that we are appreciated and loveable, infallible and totally acceptable no matter what we do. The problem arises when we do not perceive ourselves in the same way. Meaning, if we value ourselves less than our spouses do we then can never believe them and will always think that they lie, that they flatter us only to get something, that they maneuver us. When they show sincere appreciation and love towards us we would feel guilty because deep inside we would not believe we are as great as they say we are and that, in time, would lead to fractions, bitter arguments, and inevitable separation.

While working with our self-esteem, it is important to pay attention and to be careful not to fall to the trap of vanity and arrogance. The self-esteem that you are developing should be such that you will be able to recognize and to acknowledge your own skills and uniqueness and at the same time to notice and to appreciate the uniqueness of your fellow human beings. A genuine self-esteem does not create hierarchies or levels between human beings but rather put everybody on the same stage of originality and specialty.

There are many comments that when heard from people indicate a shallow level of self-esteem:

• I am the best guy for you; you will never find someone better than me
• I am really special; All my ex-boyfriends to date were not able to get over me
• Only I can give you true love
• And so on…

The common denominator of such expressions is that they try to create self-esteem by separating the speakers from the social environment and by placing them above the others. True recognition of our value can be achieved only through understanding that in fact our belonging to the all-embracing reality that surrounds us is the same thing that protects us and identifies us.

We are loved not due to something we do or the way we behave but simply because we are a part of the world and are a living, radiating element within it.

Does a flower need to sing and dance to be loved and appreciated? Does our pet need to answer our homework, for us to love it? In the natural world every item, every element, as part of the whole, fulfills its destined role - the flower grows, the sun shines, the river flows and the animal lives – and hence we naturally enjoy nature and love it so much. Humans are part of nature and so the same rule applies. If we want to be loved, feel accepted and belong we do not need to declare night and day that we are special, but rather to be exactly who we are and to understand that since the moment of our birth we are part of the beloved nature.

Assimilating that insight will help us to recognize our true value and to identify our special place, as a species and as individuals, in the ensemble called life on earth. Such awareness will evoke within us the feeling of true strength and the belief in our capacities to create and to manifest every dream that we cherish in our hearts. This is true self-worth.

credit: Taiwanese artist Yen Jui-Lin

The second and most valuable tool

... which helps us to get over our shyness and low self esteem is amazingly simple and miraculously successful. That is the smile. I am neither talking about faking a smile nor being hypocritical to force a smile when we feel blue. However, when we go through our daily life routines a constant smile can rejuvenate our body, can make us healthier and undoubtedly will cause others to affirmatively respond to us and to improve our communications with them.

When we shop at the supermarket, when we take the bus, in a restaurant, at the doctor’s clinic, while being stuck in a traffic jam – no matter what the situation may be, a smile that replaces the endless mind chatter could cause an effective chain reaction.

Many people find it difficult to smile “just like that” and with no reason at all. Therefore, self-discipline is required to master such behavior. A shy person may find it difficult at first to greet in peace the passengers on the bus without knowing them beforehand. This is understandable and in such cases, it is recommended to first develop the new “smile approach to life” with our relatives, friends, teachers, students, colleagues and so on. At first, they may wonder about the change that occurred in our behavior but in time we will gain confidence, the direct and telepathic comments will encourage us, and we will be goaded to carry on with our new behavior. Soon enough our shyness will disappear and the environment, with our spouses as part of it, will see a new person.