Hey ya'll, Kelly here.

It's interesting that I popped onto Steemit today, after a day of turmoil, indecision, and stress around what I am doing next, a common occurrence in my nomadic lifestyle. I have been feeling pretty bad about myself, and feeling like I am not living to my full potential, and abusing my privilege to be able to travel like I do. I think it has been so long since I have lived in one place and had a regular routine, that making plans feels daunting.

(photo credit: Kym Slade)

I feel like I am always making plans for where my physical body will be. @mountainjewel can even personally attest to this, as we were going to possibly meet up for a biking trip this august, and my inability to commit made it hard to plan (of course there were so many other factors, but still). In all of this, I am looking at my good (and bad) rituals for dealing with my mental health, anxiety, as it related to natural medicine, of which is pretty much my biggest obsession, to the point that it is the reason I am even traveling in the first place.

Its a funny thing though, right? To be traveling in search of plants, to be in their company, and yet feel these immense days of anxiety, turmoil, and tension. I know it is all in my head, my own created thought loops. Someone told me today that I see the world 'half empty' more than 'half full' at times and it really clouds my perspective of the actual moment. Here I am, in one of the most beautiful places on earth, the Colombia river gorge, in central oregon, and I have placed myself in a hot mess of indecision, yet again. In the past two years, I have found myself here, several times. To the point of constant anxiety that I can't eat. Every decision feels so big on the road, and I often find myself being 'flaky' but not because I actually want to screw anyone over, but because I am overwhelmed, and take too much time to 'decide' what I am doing.

So, what do I do to deal with this?

A lot of things, and really I should probably be doing more. The biggest thing is to repeat positive affirmations to myself that I am not a 'bad person' for being indecisive and 'abusing my privilege.' To be easy on myself. Even if I switch back to the negative affirmations, I try to bring myself slowly back to the positive, even if I don't believe it in the moment.

I grew up in an abusive household, and in a way, travel is an escape from abuse, and for me to wake up in the morning in a forest of Douglas Fir, or a grove of Cottonwood, or Sagebrush desert, I feel at home. I feel like these spaces welcome me, calmly. But, I still carry with me the negative affirmations of my childhood, of alcoholism in my family, of dark shadows that seemed to lurk around every corner.

(Deerbrush, Ceanothus )

Sometimes, I make tea. Any tea. I carry a collection of tea bags, for every purpose, as well as a collection of dried herbs stored and labeled in individual bags to make blends. I normally store in glass, but because of needing to think of lightness, I have shifted to the almighty ziplock.

(Making Elder and Oregon Grape medicine this morning)

Sometimes I can't get my hands on the 'ideal herbs' I need for my mental heath, which would be Devil's Club, Tulsi, Lemon Balm, Rose. So honestly, any tea I make for myself, that has been steeped at least 15 minutes, feels nourishing. The little things feel so much bigger when things feel hard.

My camper has become a lifesaver, lately. It is my safe space. Keeping it clean, tidy, Fung Sui, organized, simple, helps me mentally. It helps me feel in control of something. Being an Aquarius, actually with two signs in Aquarius, my whole being seems oriented towards the 'bigger picture' sometimes at the detriment of my individual 'self.' Here I am, doing a podcast on the road, going hundreds of miles out of my way to interview people, and spending my money on gas and food, and my body getting achey- for 'the cause.' I'm not making money on all of this, I feel like the situation of our world is dire, and this is what I can do to leverage my privilege.

The act of making medicine. Even small amounts. Today, I harvested Oregon Grape root, and Elderberry, when I was feeling anxious. It helped me to ground into the earth I am actually on, and where the land is reflecting the season. I still felt anxious afterwards, but it is something that felt beautiful, meaningful, and grounding to me, even if just incremental.

I was stuck earlier, between going back to my friends' cabin and making a fire for myself and reading my candlelight, or going to a cidery in town to sit with myself and write. Of course, alcohol, is an interesting medicine, to be used with caution. Alcohol clouds our judgement, but can also make us relax, and not take things so darn seriously. Even a half of a glass of locally brewed hard cider from local orchards has me seeing from a different lens. Now I will go back to the cabin, and still make the fire, still brew tea. I still don't know what I am doing, but I feel less hard on myself. It WILL be okay. I have my health, my love for the earth, and for my friends, and for humanity, I have my whole body. I have friends dying from cancer, or paralyzed from the waist down. I have to constantly remind myself to be grateful.

(woodstove in my friends' cabin)

SO, my remedies? Well, it seems like what I am saying here: drink any tea. Make medicine, or at least engage the land. Tidy space. Drink a little cider. ALSO: I write. I try to move my body, though I'm bad with this- I know it's good for me but sometimes I don't do it when I need it.

(Photo credit: Ted Packard)