#finishthestory--Week 41: ADF

in #noir5 years ago

New year, new #finishthestory contest! Today’s prompt brought to you by @tristancarax (the first part of the entry below). My ending begins below that.

I’d like to say thanks to @tristancarax, @f3nix, and @bananafish. Let’s get into it!

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[Image source]

Hunt More Precious than a Green Stone

by @tristancarax

I watched Belinda getting onto the cable car that was headed up the hill. Quickly, I ran and jumped onto the back as the cable car began to pull away.

I would have had trouble with the ticket agent if it wasn’t for the gun in my hand and the badge on my belt. He backed off with a quiet stare. Following my gaze, he was bewitched by Belinda’s beauty. He darted after me. She had this effect on men of weak mind. I would have fallen off if it wasn’t for the bar slamming up against my back. Tossing the man off the trolley, his body cracked and thudded as he rolled down the hill. A blood-soaked street ...

I turned my attention back to Belinda. Fuck! She’d vanished. That fucking prick! I’d been hunting down this woman for weeks with no luck. I’d have no clue as to where to scour next if it wasn’t for the letter I found at my feet addressed to me.

It was 3 a.m. when I arrived back to my flea-infested motel. A new record for me as the days without sleep turned into weeks of nightmares. Insomnia is a bitch.

The Captain at the precinct had kept me longer than expected. He was viscerally upset when my employer had spoken to him over the phone. ”What do you mean ‘set him free?’” the captain protested. ”This man of yours just killed a man, for no apparent reason, with a slew of witnesses around,” his voice rose a little louder, becoming squeaker, ”and I’m to let him go?” His eyes darted in my direction. I saw him about to crack. ”What am I supposed to tell the press?” My employer ensured him that he’d take care of the press if the precinct did its job and labelled the body bag with the tag ”DNI” (Do not investigate).

Reluctantly, the Captain released me. My employer had ties to power most would never dare touch. Those who dared to challenge him were usually found with a couple missing body parts in the middle of town or possibly at the bottom of a flight of stairs. ”Unsolved” murder/suicides were abound. This place was beyond crooked.

I sat down on the bed. I finally had time to get to the letter I’d hidden in my trench coat pocket that was hidden beneath a pocket. This pocket had saved a few useful items in the past when I’d gotten into trouble for the blatant disregard for life.

Other than the obvious clue ”Addressed to you, Detective,” she had left a kiss mark, formed from the blue lipstick she wore.

I slapped my neck. ”Fucking fleas!”

Opening the letter, I read:

Dear Detective,

I know why you don't sleep at night. I've watched you in your half-hazy sleep toss and turn. Yes, I've done my research. You thought I didn't know about you? No matter.

Pay attention.

Your awakening is coming. You first have to chase this mouse a few more times around the block before your mind will be free enough to see that the shadow and the light cannot be without the other.

You have been to the Garden. Follow the smell. Seek the maid who is more precious than a green stone.

Your employer is banking on the life you've lead up until this very moment.

A sweet kiss, Detective.

There was a knock at my door.


ADF
by @Michaias

I checked my gun: fully loaded mag, safety off. Another knock.

“Alright, alright!” I shouted, as I grabbed a pillow. “Keep your pants on!”

I flattened the pillow at eye level against the door, pressed the gun’s nose into it, and cracked the door. Any smartass on the other side was gonna get his brains liquefied and his skull made into a soup bowl.

“Pizza?” the teenager at the door asked.

“Aw, shit, kid.” I tucked the gun into my waistband, letting the pillow fall. “How much I owe ya?”

“Twelve dollars.”

“Twelve dollars!? This is fucking robbery.” The kid recoiled. “No, give that here!” I fished out fifteen bucks and shoved it at him as I snatched the pizza. “Get out of here!”

I slammed the door in his face.

Halfway through the first slice, I desperately needed beer to wash it down. I scooped up my keys, rushed to the corner store, bought a six pack, guzzled two beers on the drive, and marched back to the room, beers dangling at my side. I couldn’t find my room key.

“Mother of pearl!” I shouted and stormed to the office.

“Hey, Pablo!” I yelled at the receptionist. “Yeah, you.”

“My name is Dominguez, sir.”

“Yeah, look, Domino, I locked myself outta my room. Can you get me in?”

“Yes, I suppose.” He hesitantly picked up the phone.

I twirled my wrist. “Today, Dicko. And while you’re at it, do something about those damn fleas!”

Three hours later, I was back in my room, warm beers and cold pizza for a prize. Management insisted on moving me because of the fleas. I was tired of the critters dancing on my nutsack every night, so I took a second-story room. It was roach infested. I had to fight the fuckers for the rest of my pizza.

After dinner, I sat on the bed, kicking intermittently at roaches. I reached into my pocket to retrieve the letter. It was missing.

“Oh, Mother Furnival!” I screamed, falling backwards on the bed.

“Hey! Keep it down!” a voice rumbled through the wall.

I flipped the safety off my gun and fired a single round high into the wall between us.

“Jesus! Gun! Gun!” I heard furniture toppling and frantic footsteps.

“Yeah, yeah, call the cops,” I mumbled.

I didn’t get any sleep again. The police hauled me back to the station and made me sweat it out in their unairconditioned interrogation chamber for as long as was legally allowed. My employer wasn’t quick about springing me this time.

The letter was lost, and I couldn’t remember where it said to go.

Finally, some porker waddled into the interrogation room and wanted to know what I knew about some chick’s murder. She was wearing a necklace with a green stone in it. It happened in the Garden.

“Mother fudge licker!” I shouted, slapping my hands on the table. “That’s where the letter told me to go.”

The police had a lot more questions after that.

Sort:  

I always love to read your story @michaias. Luckily found this story when I read your final chapter of asleep in nara. You good in writing, with that creative and imaginative mind of yours. You always gave me surprise on how you turn the story. Now I have to wait the continuation of the story after your ending to find who stole the letter. is it the pizza boy? hmmm

You know, I've never honestly given too much thought to how the plot proceeds after the conclusion of the #finishthestory entries.

If I were going to continue this story, I think the detective would have just lost the letter; no one stole it. Then I would keep throwing up roadblocks in his way. Some of them would be his own fault, others would just be random things that keep him from solving the mystery or catching the woman he is pursuing. Basically, it would be one long story about a lack of closure, which would be both amusing and frustrating to read. But that's life, right? I don't think we ever get to tie up all the loose ends; many of them just kind of hang there, twirling in the wind.

Your creative thinking always impressed me. It exactly on how you wrote your Asleep in nara. All the roadblock always be the interesting part which attracted readers. These was the reason why i follow your asleep in nara from start to end. Similar to this story of yours, you always put in some surprise in it. Hope to read your next story soon.

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This story was written for the Finish the Story contest, where one of the prizes is awarded to the best comment, it was a tie this week, but... well... head over to our winners post - you're up there! ;)

wow @bananafish. I didn't expect it at all. I just love to read and put in some encouraged comment to the writers for their passionate in writing🤗

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Olivia everytime that I see you in the comments I become more curious about you... :-P

opps why? Hope not something bad 😅

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Oh no nothing bad, how could I? You're a kind person and your comments are always so meaningful. Come to visit us at our discord channel if you like..

wow what an honored invited by you 😊 will drop by if i got time.

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Your balance is below $0.3. Your account is running low and should be replenished. You have roughly 10 more @dustsweeper votes. Check out the Dustsweeper FAQ here: https://steemit.com/dustsweeper/@dustsweeper/dustsweeper-faq

You do a really great job of maintaining the tone of the first half. Instead of addressing the details of the letter, you sidestep, and instead create an equally enthralling story that does the first half justice, a real skill indeed. The exchange with the receptionist is so good, and the way you play on some of the other elements from the first half, the fleas, the employer, and how brilliantly you pick up the main character, a wonderful ending!

this character is such a piece of shit. I'm furious! fun anti-detective noir

I didn't say he was a nice guy... :)

Hi michaias,

This post has been upvoted by the Curie community curation project and associated vote trail as exceptional content (human curated and reviewed). Have a great day :)

Visit curiesteem.com or join the Curie Discord community to learn more.

Wow! This was unexpected! Thank you for selecting my entry. I really wasn't sure anyone would like my ending to the story.

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Shades of Barton Fink...

I've never actually seen that one, but I'm familiar with the Coen Brothers. I appreciate their dark humor.

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It's John Goodman and John Turturro at their weirdest best.... Coen classic

Haha! This made me laugh. I loved the language. It kept with first part well.

Should I be surprised that he went out to get a six pack instead of getting some sleep? Changing of the rooms was awesome. I don't know which is worse, things that bight you or things that crawl on you.

Congrats on the curie.

Thanks, @tristancarax! It was a great prompt to work with.

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A different perspective for sure.

:D

I you want some actual quality antidetective fiction, check out Paul Auster's New York Trilogy.

Sounds good. Thanks for sharing.


This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.
@c-squared runs a community witness. Please consider using one of your witness votes on us here

Thank you for the curation!

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To steal @dirge's thunder: The fudges, they must be tasty to be licked that much.

To stop stealing @dirge's thunder: I feel the resentment against the policja detective and I fully agree that these characters are to be hated (no good detectives under Capitalism). Of course that resentment hides in the form of comedic meta-moderny (I refuse to call it meta-modernist as that doesn't feel meta enough) retelling of ex-detective life and how they still feel privileged to receive the dignity they want for the stuff they did in the service of the Bourgeois Social Order. Although I understand that yer thing to avoid the same nanny crew that runs #antinsfw gang here, I feel this also contingently remarks on self-imposed censorship as to appease some innocent third party (the Other, but obfuscated in the image of a "clean Steemit"). Which of course they have their economic reasons to do so, but let's not bother in the comments. Otherwise, requiescet in pace warm pizza and cold beer cans.

Upvot'd-n-resteem'd.
Hexin'.gif

Not gonna lie, I kind of wanted some pizza and beer after writing this one.

I debated the use of euphemisms in his speech for a while. I didn't hesitate to include profanity in his internal monologue. I'm sure Lacan would have a word or two to say about that choice.

Indeed Lacan would very much so, very much so. Anyways, I await yer comment on my story!~

Not a guy you want to meet walking down the street but I like the character that you gave him. We're not supposed to like him, we're supposed to be afraid of him and I guess that we are :)

You managed to finish with a great open end! I really like that we can finish the story ourselves and give it a direction that we like :)

Oh and I've never heard people swear like this. It made me laugh :)

Thank you for sharing!

Thanks for reading! I'm glad you found the swearing amusing.

As for this detective, I'm afraid of him because he is erratic chaos. At least we don't have to be afraid of him being calculating.

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