Children’s bodies are not ours to control
One of the most horrific things an adult can do to a child is request and demand physical closeness when the child clearly doesn’t want it. I am a firm believer that children - even toddlers! - have the right to make decisions about their personal space, their bodies, and the amount of physical interaction, touching, and cuddling, especially with relatives who are “close” only officially, but have no emotional or personal connection to them.
For some mysterious reason many adults (parents, the rest of the family, and even strangers on the street!) often feel that they can just grab and touch children, pet them and kiss them like they are some cuddly soft toys or animals who can have no say. Moreover, when small children show and voice their disagreement with touching, parents themselves feel like they have to protect interests of other adults (“why don’t you give a little kiss to your auntie, she loves you so much!”) instead of their child’s.
I believe that this is where many insecurities and traumas start to form. From day one parents teach their children that their little bodies and levels of physical intimacy don’t belong to them.
I have experienced this with my daughter and some of the adults who surrounded her. I literally had to fight with some relatives on her father’s side for her physical and emotional safety. She is six now, and we still get this crap along the lines of “come give me a kiss (now that I gave you this cool toy)” or “I like to hug you and I love you, come sit next to me”.
No. She has the right not to give kisses. She has the right to decide if she wants to sit next to you. She has the right to say “no hugs” and not feel guilty about it. Her soft cheeks are not for everyone to pinch. Her hair is not for everyone to caress. She is not a puppy to be grabbed by the waist. She herself feels and knows when she wants to be physically close to anyone... and if you don’t manipulate her or force her, she might even want to come close to you or hug you next time she sees you. But if not - that’s up to her, it’s as simple as that.
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Absolutely. I hate it when people treat kids like that. My son is 11 now, old enough to 'defend' himself, still it's quite embarassing when his grandma visits. He's never been close to her so the best she can get is give him a kiss on the arm... and he hates even that much closeness.
Yes... With us it happens with her grandpa from her father’s side. She only sees him once a year, and he wants her on his lap! She used to run away from him and tell me he was scary. She would hide behind an armchair or a table or just cling to me to avoid him. I think most older people don’t realize that they can actually look scary to kids when they don’t know them well.
I had to protect to my daughter like that, teaching her since she was 2 or 3 that she CAN say “no” to any adult when it comes to touching. And guess what... along the way, many people (including her direct relatives) have said to me that I teach her to be cold and disrespectful ! Now that I’m thinking about it, I might have overdone it at some point, but that only happened because she cried to me or looked emotionally damaged after several situations of unwanted (and scary) contact.
As for strangers... I reserve the right to be rude to them. I clearly remember one day when my daughter (about 3) and I were in the grocery store. She was riding inside the shopping cart, and I was taking some product out of the refrigerator. Before I could do anything, some man approached, eyed my child intensely ( like he wanted to eat her!) and pinched her cheek. I was so shocked at that moment that I couldn’t even tell him anything, and he just left after a couple of seconds of holding eye contact with her. Since then I have been like a hawk, watching every big person (man or woman) and their moves... and I realize that to non-parents this may sound paranoid ) But it is what it is