What Makes a Good Father?
Have you ever wondered what makes a good father? If we were to take a hundred admirable fathers, what traits would they have in common?
Though I am not yet a father myself, I have one that I believe is a good father. Not perfect, because no one is, but a good one. Even though our family went through some very difficult challenges such as the death of our brother and a mother at a young age, we are, nevertheless united. It is mainly through his efforts and his guidance that we manage to make it happen.
A united family that loves each other nearly 50 years of family life is a great testimony of how good the parents are building a family. After some reading, here is what I believe are the essential traits of a good father. Feel free to pitch in the comment section with your thoughts on the matter.
A Benevolent King, Not a Tyrant
A lot of people have an aversion to the father figure because in many cases, the father is a figure of authority. A good father I believe is the one who can both give great counsel and support, as well as calling you out when you are not expressing your full potential.
When I think of this motif, I think of that scene in Lion King where Simba is instructed by Mufasa his father about his dominion, his responsibilities and well as where he is prohibited to go.
That authority should be an authority based on competence, not force. In the case of Mufasa, his kingdom is running smoothly according to the laws of nature while keeping at bay the more dangerous aspect at the margins.
Rough and Tumble Play
Fathers are the most likely to engage in rough and tumble play with their kids. It has been found that when fathers are absent, kids don't get to play in that way as much as they should.
It has been found that rough and tumble play is the primary way that child and father activate their relationship. The benefits of engaging in that type of activities are:
1- It Makes Kids Smarter
Roughhousing stimulates neuron growth within the cortex and hippocampus regions of the brain, responsible for memory, learning, language, and logic.
2- Builds emotional intelligence
Rough and tumble play helps children develop skills in reading the emotions of others. To know when we've taken things too far or if we should for once let the other one win if we've been winning too much. To admit defeat or victory in a humble way (so that we can play the game again later), etc.
3- Makes kids more likable
Kids who are not played with enough develop anti-social behaviors. Think about it...The key rule of the game of roughhousing is do not hurt your partner...otherwise, the game stops and play time ends.
Playing in that matter helps kids regulate their own emotions and to develop empathy for the person they are playing with.
A Living Example of "The Good Life"
Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the way that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13-14
There are so many ways that life can go sour...all we need to do is to neglect certain parts of our lives and the whole thing to can fall into chaos. There are no single formula that will guarantee that life will go on like a sweet song but there are certain principles that gives you "your best shot" at a meaningful life.
I stress here, I'm not saying a "happy life" because life is freaking though sometimes and in the end, we all die. Being happy is a gift along the way, not a goal. MEANING allows you to go through life whether or not it is happy.
So I would say, a good father is a father who strives for the good and is a living example of someone who wants to live a life full of meaning.
Conclusion
This is not an exhaustive list of course, but you are all welcomed to pitch in and share what you think makes a good father in the comment below. I'm looking forward to read you!
You have to be good to be a good father
That's actually quite profound.
yes. well put! to be a good father you have to be good, to be a good human is to be good. I don't think a father that was good to their child could ever be a bad father :)
The relationship from the deep is like you would like my profile to keep the friend back
You hit the nail on the head.
Being there is the most important thing for any father to do. Being one who was not, I can see how my relationship with my daughter and some of her development suffered.
It is easy to make other things priorities but, in the end, none of them are worth it. There is no way to make up for the time lost, the inattention because one is distracted by a ball game or the moments not shared because one is "too tired".
Time goes very fast. A infant is suddenly starting school...then dating...then graduating high school. Next thing you know it is off to college or the military or wherever their path takes them.
The only suggestion I have is to cherish the moments and be present...not only physically but truly be present each moment with your child.
First of all I agree with what you have written here, and thank you for doing so. Parenting is the toughest job we get in life, in my estimation. I have two, and one has a very serious illness, everything from worry, to doubt, to struggle with your pride when they disobey, and then your anger as you become frustrated.
It is so difficult to remain calm, confident, and lovingly lead them toward good behaviour. But this is the goal in my view. Like you say "benevolent king", not a tyrant. Yelling NO at your kid doesnt lead to long lasting compliance, because it doesnt foster their respect/love of you. Calmly, confidently, lovingly leading the kid to the end you desire, through the tears and disagreements, can lead to their love and respect for you, which will in itself precipitate the compliance you desire.
Seek compliance first, you will get neither their love, nor their lasting compliance. Seek loving leadership first, and you will get both.
Lastly, your post reminds me of the parenting info that comes from Jordan Peterson, author of: "Maps of Meaning", and "12 Rules for Life".
Based on what you wrote here, you may want to check him out.
Jordan Peterson | A Good Father Helps You to Become Your Best Self
As a father myself I believe that a good father should have all the traits you mentioned above. I agree that there is a balance between authority and support. I tend to think that I am doing a good job of it, as my kid is "scared" of me in that he does worry about whether I would get angry (the authority part), yet I am still his favourite play buddy which makes my wife jealous. This also comes down to a lot of play, just put yourself down and play with them at an equal footing, doing simple silly stuff like pronouncing words wrong or just chase them around or play hide and seek with them, all these would increase the bond between you and your child.
The one thing that I think I need to work on, and something that a father would need, is patience. Sometimes when we want them to succeed, or to become independent, or doing homework etc, we tend to forget that they are just kids, and just need more time to understanding something or to learn something, or even just more time to get from a state of excitement to calmness. We must try to be patience and let them have the time they need.
My family was in a similar situation, with my mum passed away when I was very young. I know my Dad suffered a lot, so I understand what you feel and what a great man your Dad must be. He must be very happy to have a grandchild coming his way!
It likewise makes a decent father if the father fears God.
Because a father is the pioneer of the family unit. What's more, the father is the model to the children.
On the off chance that the father have fear in God, everything positive attitude take after and without a doubt, he will be the good example to his children.
Thanks a lot for sharing this post..
I will wait for your new posts..
God is the ultimate benevolent King (Mercy and Justice). If one has issues with his father on earth, how could he have a good model to understand the one in heaven...I long wondered how much the father/child relationship impacts one's spiritual life.
Creaing quality time for the kids, not leaving every responsibility on the mum, being available at times when you're needed the most and most importantly, having a listening ear for every talk, chats, gists and reports a child gives be it crappy or not.
Forget about being a “good father” and focus on raising a good child.
“Good fathers” coordinate their children's trajectory with their expectations of them; fathers trying to raise children as best they are able don't bother with what will make them look like good fathers.
Don't ask questions about yourself, the time for those questions has passed; ask questions about your child.
Playing is really good! Thanks for the reminder. When I try rememver what made my father a good one (he passed away a few years ago), the one thing that stands out above all is that he was a man of his word. He was honest and very kind to others. He had the ability to turn the other cheek. Now that I am a young father, I realise what he did for us. Kind of sad that kids often do not appreciate parents until they are older, or when they are gone.
Remembering you are the one shot your kids get at a father.
Remembering your children owe you nothing and you owe them everything.
You chose to bring them into this world.
If they later choose to do for you, that means you've done well - and is a bonus.
Remembering actions speak louder than words.
Remembering what YOUR father did well with you.
Remembering what he did wrong.
Remembering your children see themselves through how you look at them.
And finally, remembering this is the most important thing you'll ever do.
Edit:
One last thing I just remembered that is important to remember:
You'll screw up every once in a while.
Admit it, apologize, forgive yourself, and learn from your mistakes for next time.
A good father should be a role model to the children, he should be loving and he should provide and protect the family
amen