Things I Wish I Knew About Parenting Before Becoming a Parent Part One
Welcome to my series: Things I wish I knew about parenting before becoming a parent.
Part One: Instant Love is Real but It Doesn't Always Happen
I always knew I was going to be a mom. Which seems like a sweet sentiment, except that I never took the time to realize what being a mom would be like.
I always knew it would happen, but it wasn't until I actually became a parent that I realized what parenting would be like.
Something I wish I knew before becoming a parent, was that "instant love" can be a fairy tale.
The reality of parent/child relationships was marred for me by reading and watching movies. There was always this magical things that happened when a child was (finally) put into a mothers arms, usually after some (crazy, funny, interesting) birth story. There was always this giant pause of awwww, and everything was well.
Instant love.
As a teen, some of my classmates had children. I always asked them what it was like. They described something along the likes of:
Instant love.
It didn't matter that moms were tired, and busy, because they had this little bundle of instant love that they were just toting around. Who cared about anything, else, there was this little ball of joy and happiness and giggles that smelled good?
Its not that these writers and parents lied. There is a certain something magical about the first time a tiny little hand grasps your whole finger and looks at you like you're awesome. People who completely change when they become parents do exist. But it's not always magical. Sometimes it develops over time... in a slow manner. And for some, the love develops at a lesser rate. Everyone is not wired for endless love.
Love is not instant for everyone. Some need to grow into it. And it takes work.
Love can take work
There is no magical pill that all of a sudden turns you from a regular human, to a "would give my life for", "the best thing that ever happened to me", "I would do anything for," person.
I love my kids more now than I did when they were born
Because love grows. And it would have saved me lots of guilt if I had known that before hand. Who would think it possible to love a cranky pre-teen more than a tiny little good-smelling angel? Any parent of a pre-teen of course, especially when thee've had the privilege of watching that pre-teen emerge from that baby.
The first time I saw my first child... I was drugged. Maybe a natural birth would have made the oxytocin more prevalent which would have turned on my "instant love" sensors... but what about dads? What about adoptive parents? Ive heard them talk about "instant love" too... I DID love my child BUT not more than I had already loved her when she was in my belly. There was no magical exponential growth.
And that made me feel bad.
The first time I saw my second child, my mind was on my first one and how she would handle it. That whole "instant love" is a little more difficult to get to, when you have more than one thing on your mind.
And that made me feel bad too.
Knowing that love is not instant, but that it slowly grows and evolves makes parenting a lot easier.
Remember that children won't make you automatically more frugal on your wants, won't give you energy to make "real meals" vs instant soup, and they won't make you automatically anything. Yes people who completely change instantly over children occur, but it doesn't happen for everyone.
Thank you for taking the time to read Part One of my series: Things I wished I knew About Parenting Before Becoming a Parent.
I will be publishing part two: Children Do Not Fulfill You, very soon.
I love this topic. Everything you say is so true. Everyone's experience with parenthood is different. But that doesn't make it any less meaningful. Can't wait to read part 2! 😍
Here is Part 2 :)
Thanks for stopping by. Part two is being (heavily) edited right now.
Instant love is a myth that heaps so much guilt on people, so I'm glad you're writing to debunk it! A fellow twin mom once told me that when her twins were infants, "I didn't feel love for them, only a sense of obligation" in the endless exhaustion and harassment--and I could relate! I love my kids far, far more now than I did in the beginning :)
Its a tough topic, and one that's not so easy to talk about.
Thanks for the support.
This is a good story of yours
90% of parents have the instant love for their children and yes they have the first one in mind more than the second maybe because the first is grown already or maybe they have already addicted to the first One
I'm the first child of my family 👪 and my parents love me more than my siblings till extend mum do show it
LOL! That's good that you have confidence of parental love. I think my mom loves my eldest sister the most to the point where I make jokes about it. My thoughts aren't because of anything i've felt but because of a conversation that I overheard. I overheard my mom (or maybe her sister?) saying that it is impossible to love your second and third the same as your first because you have so much more time to spend with the first.
I have seen evidence of the first not being loved the most in families. The funniest family to me is one where the mom CLEARLY favors the middle child. I think the child was sick as a baby and woke up a "mama bear" instinct in the mom, but really Im just speculating, I don't know why she favors the middle child so. Its just clear that she does.
I think 90% is high estimate for instant love. That would make 90% of people capable of deep parental love, and I just don't see evidence of that in society.
Just don't count that,that is life and nature,not the parent fault
Oh. That is very interesting for me. I am planning to have kids within 3 years at the latest.
I thought kids were sacrifice and trouble.
Now I repeat instant love (that grows exponentially). What if your kid is a selfish bitch and you can't help it?
All right, now I go read part 2.
That was the point of the article - people don’t automatically love their kids... for various reasons. You have to work at the relationships sometimes. If your kid is a jerk, you have some serious questions to ask yourself.
Is there something I can change about their circumstances? Can I show them better examples? Is there a need that isn’t being met?
And the hardest one. Is this person (because your children are people) just a
Bad person? And. How long do I put up with it.
I tend to have magical thinking about parenting and feel that love and attention can cure everything, but my kids are still young (and very loving beings).
My parents are lovely and caring and my sister is a complete bitch. She is one of the most selfish human beings I have ever met. I shut down any communication with her longtime ago, but my parents just can't. They absorb any crap from her, which I find it quite unfair.
That’s a tough one, for you, your parents, and probably even your sister.
Who knows what makes some of us end up so selfish?
I don’t know what I would do but consider myself lucky that I don’t have to think about it too much.
Maybe they dropped her when she was little (a joke - although sometimes we do hurt our kids in weird recognizable-by-us ways) and they feel bad.
One thing I like to remember when I see siblings who are different is that everybody has different parents. Even siblings from the same marriage.
Hii!!!