Let's Be Real

in #philosophy6 years ago

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I've always been kind of taken back by how fake people can be. It comes across in how we interact with others, the lies we tell, the misrepresentations, and worst of all, convincing ourselves that we have to do it for another's sake. I've been embracing complete authenticity and honesty for quite a while now, but it's interesting the reaction that gets sometimes. It seems clear to me that we are taught to be disingenuous for other people's sake from childhood and by society as a whole.

I can remember throughout my life plenty of examples of my parents teaching and telling me explicitly to lie to others or misrepresent myself, but also preaching honesty and accountability. It's very conflicting growing up with the notion that lying is wrong, unless it's to avoid hurting someone. There are times where I remember lying to get out of trouble for things and being told that it was wrong, but no one got hurt either way. It leads to a lot of confusion, self doubt, and trying to control the perceptions of others, which is easy to see as manipulation and self harm now.


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From my perspective, I really don't feel the need to lie about anything or misrepresent myself to anyone at this point in my life. I'll still run into situations with my family where my mother will try to tell me that I have to do something that I don't want to do to avoid some other person some hypothetical pain. The manipulation doesn't work like it used to, but why do we as a society perpetuate these ideals? I imagine it stems mostly from scarcity mindset, but ultimately it's just another form of self denial.

I am sure that almost everyone has lied to their boss at some point. It's basically required to participate in the system that we misrepresent ourselves. I'm sure that there are the few exceptions out there of people that love going to a job and selling themselves for money, or at least convince themselves they do, but it's entirely unrealistic to be completely genuine with your boss or manager at all times. If we tell that person higher up the working ladder exactly what we think of their decisions or the tasks we've been assigned, odds are most of us would be finding ourselves without a job or completely unemployable.


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Obviously I can't tell anyone what is right or wrong to do for their specific situation, but if we move past the business example, why do we do this socially as well? There's a difference between being judgmental and being honest with someone else. If we can't be completely authentic with our friends or family, why do we want them around? Why do we seek the validation of others and surround ourselves with yes men? Is it fear of being alone? Maybe it's some ingrained sense of loyalty, but if we're loyal to someone, shouldn't we be honest with them?

There are plenty of times where I'll find myself being careful with wording as to be gentle towards others, but I wont outright lie to anyone to protect their feelings. It's my perspective that if someone is having a conversation with me and they don't like something that I say that we can either disagree or go our separate ways peacefully, but it seems that socially we are engineered to tell white lies or avoid conflict by repressing emotions or misrepresenting ourselves. I prefer the authentic approach, but it's interesting to me seeing how deeply entrenched these ideas are in our society. Namaste.


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You hit the nail on the head right here:
"....socially we are engineered to tell white lies or avoid conflict by repressing emotions or misrepresenting ourselves."
Ultimately, this leads to lying to ourselves, which at the very least causes stress to our systems.

Exactly. Lying to ourselves seems to be the thing we passive accept throughout all those white lies and illusions we project outwards.

I have never been anyone but myself. So what you see is what you get, a fantasy geek, rat lover, somehow naive quiet person. Shy and quiet (somehow sometimes a bit strict) and will always speak my mind if I see something unfair. I Iearned many years ago I would not like people to like someone that is "not me" by pretending to be other. So no posing, people can come and go, never a compromise, I appreciate those who stayed and loved who I am.
Who I am has also shifted a few times because we also change. But I have always been honest with myself and others.

I'm glad I figured it out eventually.

I even made a song about it "No matter what they say"... and the fact that I may be unconventional has brought unconventional friends that I love to interact with... Some of them spanning decades.

What’s missing is called tact. This is in part the ability to answer someone in a truthful manner yet still being sensitive to their feelings. Tact is a skill most people have not developed and or are to selfish to understand. You can always be honest but that doesn’t always mean you should speak. Part of being tacticful is saying nothing at all ata times. Let’s get into some examples.

Suppose a relative stranger asks what I think of the food we’re gett at an eatery while we’re in que to order. Suppose my response is ‘fucking shit but there’s nothing else open’, not very tactful and probably will offend if they are a patron of said establishment. But what if that’s how I really felt? Well, I could say ‘being as everything is closed I’m trying to find something I may like.’ This response says the same thing but it engages the other person, opens a dialogue for them to offer opion. This would be a tactful response. How about another example, relative to the article about lying to the boss.

You wake up late, no way to make it to work on time. You get to work and your boss confronts you.
‘Why are you late?’
You could lie, which serves no purpose because almost all bosses have heard every line of BS, so you just go the honest route.
“Yeah I’m sorry, over slept, totally my fault.”
The somewhat irate boss responds, “well now we’re behind and I’m going to have to spend my morning making up for you, are going to have a problem here?”
Now emotions are getting up this is a place where tact is usually tossed aside. Let’s look at response options-
“Well maybe if I didn’t have to pick up your slack I wouldn’t be so tired.” - maybe what your feeling but with no tact this will only escalate the conflict.
“No no problem just want to get Day over with.” -this indifference to the boos will likely only irritate them further.
“Yeah I’m sorry, it’s just I’m not sleeping well. I know I am behind now but if you could just help me get caught up I will try very hard to be on time now.”
This essentially says how you feel but again it’s in a soft manner that opens the conversation up by inviting the other in. This is be important when dealing within organizational structures- ie bosses or subordinates.

Tact is about saying how you feel and acting true to yourself while still maintaining an awareness to the feelings of others. Is a priceless skill that can be learned. Always be honest but do so in a way that helps build relationships. In a world full of lies and fakery, were it seems every thing is a used car dealership selling you that special package that only lasts until it’s off the lot, have integrity, be honest and tactful.

Or just be the person that says it bluntly, sometimes this is advisable and a good portion of the business world will value one honest opinion over the droves of ass kissers. Just say it sometimes. “What you think of our companies new direction?”
“I love this place, but the direction we’re going is a giant and I do mean giant steeming in the cold winter, ripe fresh and chunky pile of shit.”
Jaws will drop sometimes, but sometimes the only way to shut people up and stop talking, so they can think, is to shock them with brutal honesty. It works, but use it carefully.

Great article!

Thanks
-M

I'm not against being tactful, I'm just against self sacrifice for the illusion of security that comes with continually doing things we don't really want to be doing in the first place. If you don't like a job or who you work for, fucking quit. Sure we can come up with all kinds of reasons why we shouldn't or it isn't practical, but in the long run, the options are quit or waste your life doing things you don't want to do for the sake of continuing to do things you don't want to do. The system is built with the sole purpose to perpetuate itself and the only exit for people that don't want to take part in it is to stop participating. I totally get that not everyone is ready to take a drastic leap like this, but it's the only way I've found that works for me. I'm glad you enjoyed the article. :)

Listen very thoughtful, my sincere opinion is this: Lying is bad, whether perjidice others or not, why? because when you lie, you become slaves to your own lies, and they end up being bigger than you.
And it is true you can not force anyone or influence people, but if you set a good example, others will try to imitate you.

Really excellent your publication.

Completely agree!!! A liar is one thing that really gets under my skin. I'm a totally open minded person and have no qualms about discussing something truthfully and just expressing what is on our minds like adults should be able to do. I never really realized that we are raised to those things, until you pointed it out, but I remember my parents doing the same stuff...

I'm the one in the family that is known for having a "bold" personality... meaning that I will say what's on my mind despite anyone's feelings. Not that I'm an out right bitch about things, but I just don't believe in lying to people. What good is it going to do if you come to me for advice and I lie to your face? None at all... I believe that just hearing the truth can be more helpful than any other kind of advice I can give. People have opinions, that's one thing that makes each and every one of us unique... Why try to cover that up and on top of that, lie in order to "save" someone hurt feelings?

I suppose if people can't handle the truth that I share with them, they don't ask my for my opinion or advice more than once, problem just kind of takes care of itself I suppose. With family there is much more guilt tripping involved though.

Haha! Yes it does... and yeah family guilt... ugh. I know that one all too well. But even though I get some guilt from that, I also don't have the lie sitting over my head for years and years. And that to me is better than living with the guilt of knowing that I lied. One lie is told, then another to keep up the first one and so on... It's just not worth it to me. Especially considering that I have a horrible memory and that in itself gets me caught in lies more than anything. So I just stopped lying in order to save everyone else's feelings and at the same time sacrificing my own in order to do so.

Hey, I totally get it. My husband and I are always honest with each other, thought most of the time we choose our words carefully and speak sensitively, knowing each other's sensitivities well. But we always strive to tell each other the truth, even if it comes out awkwardly or in a way that can hurt the other's feelings. We just are honest.

I've been trying to be as authentic and honest in all my interactions as well, while respecting someone else's sensitive triggers, so being mindful to choose my words at certain moments. I was in a situation recently where I thought someone I knew in a more acquaintance manner would be genuine with me and they turned me down for a collab. The reasons I suspect are the real reasons are reasons I totally get. I understand, but the reasons he gave me seem off and inconcsistent with the reality and evidence, that show his words are false. While I still think this person is kind and perhaps did not want me to feel bad, it bothers me that he just could not be honest with me off the bat. I would have understood. The fact that he lied just...I don't know, it's not what I expected from this person and I'm disappointed that this person did not feel they could be honest with me. I have to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me or anything I did or said but has to do with him. My husband told me that friends are honest with us, acquaintances aren't always and that typically when acquaintances are honest and open up, they become friends, and when they don't, they never get too close to us or become true friends. I guess that's the difference. I have to stop expecting everyone else to be honest just because I'm honest. There are people close to me who are super honest and I cherish that.

I just stopped trying to hide how I feel in person with others and try to be as real as possible, but I'll probably end up somehow lying to that person, and pretending everything is cool. But I'm going to remember the lie, and building trust is going to be more difficult with those who lie.

It's hard not to take it personally when someone is lying directly to us, but it is what it is, and like you said it isn't really about us but something they still have to work out for themselves. All we can do is be as a real as we can be and hope others do the same in time.

Well, I think the reason why we tell lies is because of the social situation during interactions. We are more likely to feel "better" if we just agree with the certain situation (no argues, no "weird" image you are giving from yourself, etc) at the time during the conversation. I started to be honest as much as I can, because in the end it feels way better and makes much happier as I see it.

Right, I'm just wondering how much of that "feeling better" from telling white lies and passive agreement is actually conditioned or learned from societal programming.

hmm, as I see it, it is explained through the individual social construction of the world. So the early socialization builds up the foundation. As you told us your parents were quite conform with telling lies. This would lead likely to a perception of the world that telling lies aint bad. Gladely you can change this worlds :) So the question which remains is: " Where the parents got this ideology?" From there parents? Media? Society? Probably a mixture of all of them. Fact is that lying is quite accepted in almost every cultural landscape, but still, why we lie is not totally answered with that.

Part of the problem is the massive amount of judgement most people hold. Like if someone is doing something out of the ordinary or weird they may be judged for it which causes them to try to hide it or lie about it. Our social system is just whack, it's all about putting on a different mask for each social setting. I don't lie nearly as much as I used to but I definitely don't bring up certain things around certain people, like in a professional setting

I totally get it, it's just weird to me that this is some acceptable expectation of society.

It's very weird, the only people who can change it is us though, every person that is honest invites the people they interact with to be honest as well

Authenticity is incredibly important. Once you've learned to fake that, you've got it made.

LOL, fair enough.

As you say sometimes there are occasions when we have to be very careful with the words we use in order to remain authentic but not to hurt someone else. Another occasion can then often arise when we can speak more of our truth to the same person and be far more effective.

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