What Is Keeping Me From Ramming My Car Into the Wall? Freedom, Anxiety and the Will to Do Nothing.

I am once again with some whisky in my hand. I arrived home a couple of minutes ago. Before this while driving on the highway a thought crossed my mind. What is keeping me from ramming my car into the wall on the other side of the road? This is not something suicidal, this not some drunken thought, this is purely a thought I cannot get out of my mind. It is not that I want to ram my car into the wall, it is just the idea that I can do it, the utter freedom that I possess that intrigues me.

(Maybe it is fitting to insert an irrelevant photo because of the sheer absurd nature of it. I am condemned to be free, I can do this.)

Sartre said that we are condemned to be free, we should on the border of this freedom create something to hold onto. I am free to do this. I can look at the stars in the heaven, but there will not be any answers written there. Camus, on the other hand, said that we should Embrace this anxiety to do things. We should not lie down and be nothing of worth. Like Sisyphus, we should smile and be happy while rolling the rock up the mountain.

This brings me back to my thought of ramming my car into the wall. I am condemned to be free. I can take the car, drive it until max speed and ram it into the wall. I am free to do it, my mind is free to harbour the thought, but still, I cannot do it. Anxiety creeps in. I am free to do things I cannot imagine other people would like me to do, but I cannot do these things. Anxiety prevents me from doing this. But how can something like anxiety hold me back from ramming my car into the wall? This is not all that clear to me now.

Maybe I should stop drinking so much whisky. Maybe I should get out more and think less. But this is not something I want. I love thinking, I love drinking whisky, and I love reading. Maybe the unexamined life is not worth living, but the one not lived is not worth thinking about.