The fear of shining
One of the great paradoxes of the human being is to want to be special, but for all that, to be afraid to shine. Who does not want to be recognized and admired? We all need others to see our qualities, or better yet, to notice them.
Many feel intimidated when they stand out. Almost everyone, actually. Indeed, to stand out from the crowd, it is also necessary to deviate a little from the group, not to stay in the herd. In other words, to be in the register of what is different. That's where the fear of shining comes from.
That's why the first thing to do is to tell the difference between two things: being approved, and standing out. When you are approved, you receive this little pat on the back, or this exaltation that testifies that you are accepted and valued by a group. On the contrary, by coming out of the lot, by shining in your own light, you do not necessarily reach acceptance. It is even possible that you generate some rejection.
Sometimes the case is not so extreme. The fear of shining may proceed from low self-esteem. In these circumstances, the recognition of others is scary. We want to remain anonymous, even if we secretly want and need to be recognized and admired.
The fear of shining and guilt
The success of one, usually, leads others to feel bad. It's inevitable. An exceptional victory necessarily impacts on others, and many will feel inferior, even if it is not your intention. An unsure person considers the success of others as a threat. It is as if it brings to the fore the fact that she did not succeed.
All this, we know instinctively. We sense that success gives rise to latent or explicit hostility. The fear of these reactions affects the fear of shining. We do not want to clash with others, especially if they are important to us.
There are unconscious mechanisms that often lead to punishing those who stand out, those who shine the most or who have the most power.
The family and the fear of shining
The family is the first nucleus of socialization and often, this is where this fear of shine. This occurs mainly when the family is dysfunctional or when there is a predominance of lack of self-esteem, jealousy or feelings of inferiority. If one of the members of a family is so successful, it is almost treasonous.
Of course, this is not conscious, but filtered through behaviors such as forbidding bragging or forcing someone to put their talents to the service of others, precisely because it "does it better". We then introduce the idea that coming out of the lot has negative consequences.
Thus, parents give implicit orders to their children. For example, in some families, we can feel terribly bad when we reach a success that makes us very happy, because this same success makes our parents unhappy. How to feel good, knowing that others are suffering? This is a possible source of fear to shine.
When you stand out, you expose yourself
To what has been said before, we can add the cases where we feel the fear of shining because there is a huge fear of being different. It is feared to be questioned or rejected. To stand out is also to expose oneself. Exposing oneself means facing the opinion of others, which is not always constructive in relation to what is new or different.
Normally this happens because you give too much credit and value to others. Hence, we place too much emphasis on the attributes that others approve of, rather than giving to those characteristics that make us unique. This is why, implicitly, goals are created that satisfy the general opinion and not necessarily those that make us happier.
The fear of shining always implies guilt and a fear of being rejected. Many people do not want to stand out, just to keep their family, friends or partner in touch. In order not to "betray" others, they end up betraying themselves, by including themselves in common misfortune and limiting their development. This is a big mistake; indeed, when we are better, we can also help others to be.
