From my daughter's bedside: Looking over the shoulder

in #philosophy6 years ago

I spent the day with my daughter as my wife studied away. We went to the grocery store together and talked about many things as she sat in the trolley. When she and I shop, we take our time and look at many things we don't need. This time we went through the toy section and found as many dinosaurs as we could and she wanted to hold each one and asked their names.

It is funny as even though she can talk and understand so much, we can go through the children's section and despite wanting to touch everything, she has never asked for it. She understands the concept of shopping and paying though so I am sure the time is not too far off she realises she can potentially ask for things. Looking through that department reminded me how much useless crap they make for kids that has no educational value.

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She is growing so fast and each day she is learning enough that I am continually amazed by her skills. I flick through pictures like this one here and wonder how she could have ever been so helpless because I don't remember her ever seeming so. Despite all of the challenges, she has never come across as fragile.

It is a difficult thing to explain perhaps but even though she is just over two years old, she seems much older than her age. Perhaps all parents feel this way but I find myself talking to her in ways much more advanced than I do with the kids of friends around the same age. I am curious where it will lead.

I have a sense that she is going to mentally mature faster than other children and as a result be somewhat separated from those around her age. Already she is spending her playground time at daycare with the children a year or two older than her and they welcome her in. Kids don't have hangups about age, they care more about ability and since she can blend in with their games, she fits into their groups.

The challenge and perhaps fear is that at some point in the future she is going to outgrow me before I am ready to be outgrown. I am hoping to become the embarrassing father with the antiquated view of the world much earlier than I hope. Of course, I also how this happens early but being rendered useless in a child's eyes is unlikely to be a comfortable or pleasant feeling.

One day in what I feel is the not too distant future she is going to walk away and look over her shoulder and wonder how she could have come from me. How someone so developed can come from someone so simple and she will have the feeling that she is who she is despite me, not because of me.

Although it will break my heart it is also the way it should be. As is said, our children are not our children, although they come from us, they are not of us. She must find herself, find out who she is and become all she can be without fearing losing the tether to her past or that if she is different to her parents, she will lose us.

It isn't easy working tirelessly for someone else aiming to make yourself redundant one day, especially when you know that when that day comes, it is going to year you apart. A parent's success is essentially to kill the parent so the child is capable, skilled, strong and willing to live life on their own terms with all the responsibility and consequence that comes with it.

At this point, what becomes of the parent? I guess that is my responsibility to discover when that day arrives. I won't be looking over my shoulder at her though, I suspect I will be looking forward into the distance and am unsure if I will even have the sight to see her.

Taraz
[ a Steem original ]
(posted from phone)

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I can relate to your feeling, man. I have two daughters (of mine, plus other two who are not mine, but who i am raising) with who i spent the first 7 and 2 years of their lives respectively. Then, divorce came and everything went to hell.
Despite my efforts to keep as close to them as possible; to be for them every step of the way (school, sports, hospital, parks, movies), the outgrowing came.
I can't recognize my 16-year old anymore. She has become a total stranger. The 11-year old is still loving and shows more affection and need of my company, but i think there is nothing we can do to make things right. Time, circumstances and personality define what our relationship with our children will become.
I sincerely wish you the best odds in this lottery. May your daughter always see you the way you see her.

Don't take it personal. That's just part of how it works. She has other things more important in her life than you now. (she doesn't even realize how important you still are) She will come around again, after the teenage years. Well, that has been my experience with 4 daughters.

Thanks for joining in. I don't take it personal; i mean i have not (at least consciously) done anything to trigger her behavior, but I can't help feeling bad about it. I know divorce is often times the ultimate culprit and it takes time for kids to channel their frustration and to exhonerate their parents from blame.
In any case, teenage behavior tends to be like this (fencinf off parents or any grownup who messes up with their view of the world), until they realize they were wrong all the way (when their rebelliousness is motivated by idiotic peer pressure).

When our first daughter started exhibiting behavior like you described, we were shocked. It was completely out of character for her. By the time our fourth daughter had acted the same way, we no longer took it personal because we realized it was just a part of growing up.
Our situation did not have the same challenges you share, so my best wishes are with you that all works out well.
For what it's worth, just keep loving her.

Thank you very much. That's what I try to do. It's a challenge when doors get slammed in your face.

Ah yes, I remember that experience. It was years ago, so now I think back on it with fondness . My daughters are all grown women with their own door slammers now!

Hahahaha. Divine justice.

The role of parent in any situation is difficult, let alone when there are so many other life pressures going on. We all do the best we can though I guess despite how it might look and feel at times. I think as kids grow older (especially when they have their own kids) they start to look back and understand a little more why things were the way they were.

Yes, that tends to be the case.

His vision is that of a father who is there and cares about his daughter's future in an increasingly demanding world.
they become the children of the world, of life, which is not always easily assumed, fear is always present, but also the desire that they be better and that they always achieve better things than we do.
Greetings.

the desire that they be better and that they always achieve better things than we do.

I don't think that is going to be hard for her to achieve :D

You think too much deep stuff. She is smart but come on look at her parents. You and momone will make sure she has the best tools to do whatever she wants and she will.
I am glad you had fun in the shops that is rather special and it is pure quality time.

I am unsure if it is going to work to her advantage or not but, I hope that we can at least giver her the space to work. It is nearly always great shopping with her, especially if she is in a good mood. she has a flu at the moment but generally takes it in her stride.

Because you are both educated and grounded and with your work ethic which you cannot hide she will pick up the best of both of you. She is going to be smart enough to get a job when there are no jobs.

She is going to be smart enough to get a job when there are no jobs.

I hope it will pay well enough to cover her parents :D

She will pay for a good nursing home for you I am sure. Kids today don't look after parents, imagine how bad it will be when you are old if it has changed so much in the last 10 or 15 years.

A parent's success is essentially to kill the parent so the child is capable

Yes, I think I feel this both body and mind. I am of the theory that because we know the day our kids think we are not useful is coming, we should be able to accept it as a right off passage. I might be wrong about that though..

We are that family that pushes all the buttons on the toys at the store. I've been chastised before by another parent because my son is using up the batteries on toys that aren't his. My stance is: It says "try me" :)

we should be able to accept it as a right off passage.

knowing, accepting and 'surviving it' might be different things :)

We are that family that pushes all the buttons on the toys at the store.

lol. She doesn't even do that, she is just really curious about it all and likes to feel all the different textures of things.

Success is when she is capable and independent. She will know you for everything you do for her success. Her happiness must include her freedom.

Her happiness must include her freedom.

Indeed it must. I am already seeing the signs :D

Excelente post, amigo, @tarazkp.

You got a 58.96% upvote from @ocdb courtesy of @tarazkp!

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