Exhale
Breathing freely and peacefully sometimes feels like a luxury. For the past two weeks it has been difficult. I know why, but knowing has not been helpful. It is the trauma of the past. As I recognize the desperation of a scared child left alone who fears of never seeing their only parent again. Pacing back and forth. Repeating one line everything will be alright over and over again while unstoppable tears are streaming down.
Obviously, I am no expert when dealing with trauma or I have never sought professional help since that can be quite an expensive process as well, but I am quite convinced that it has influenced my attachment to people or lack of it a lot. Scared to lose them, scared to let them close, and feeling so, so lonely. They say let go, but letting go feels like a slow and painful death with every breath cutting deeper and deeper.
I don’t have a solution other than somehow keep paddling forward, crawl if need be. Complete isolation was not the answer either. Extremes. All or nothing. Sometimes I wish I did not feel things at all, but what would it make me? To feel is to be human even if it hurts. Like a lot.
Obviously, I am no expert when dealing with trauma or I have never sought professional help since that can be quite an expensive process as well, but I am quite convinced that it has influenced my attachment to people or lack of it a lot. Scared to lose them, scared to let them close, and feeling so, so lonely. They say let go, but letting go feels like a slow and painful death with every breath cutting deeper and deeper.
I don’t have a solution other than somehow keep paddling forward, crawl if need be. Complete isolation was not the answer either. Extremes. All or nothing. Sometimes I wish I did not feel things at all, but what would it make me? To feel is to be human even if it hurts. Like a lot.
Song of the day: Kooma, Veela - Sculpture (Stripped)
The other day I was talking to a colleague about bullying and childhood trauma and he attaches quite heavily to his experience and he still carries the emotions and pain with him. I have taken another approach in life and rather than carry the pain of a child struggling to cope all those years ago, I have recognized the experience of it all as a strength and dropped the emotional attachment to the experience away. It might not be easy or even ideal but, it has been much better than the alternative of carrying baggage along with me. What has happened is that the time I hold on to emotions is getting shorter and shirt to the point that in most cases, I can process them on the fly and keep moving unhindered.
I hope that you are able to find a way to process your own past experience for a chance at a more useful one in the moment, as the burdens learned in childhood are not only heavy, they are rarely helpful in my opinion.
I just don't know how and everything I've tried so far has not been super helpful. I must be defective by the design? xD
None of us are perfect. I like the saying to be gentle to people because everyone is fighting their own battle. It's true too. Everyone has struggles and difficulties. Some just show them more than others, and some are more overwhelmed than others.
Nah, i think we are all defective by design so that we are more inclined to take the journey to make ourselves whole, less fractured and conflicted.
I understand you perfectly, the feelings are what make us human ... my sister had to leave the country last year due to the situation of Venezuela, because everything is very expensive here and she was pregnant, the truth is that I miss her a lot I try to pretend that it does not affect me much but I miss she every day. My nephew was born in another country and I only know him by internet, he is already 8 months old, he is beautiful ... My advice is to think about the good things so that sadness does not take over our lives.
I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I am currently away from my family as well for about the same amount of time. I miss them dearly. The other day they sent me videos and pictures from home as they were working in my tiny garden I've made for 3 years before. Made me cry.
Thank you for your advice. I guess I will try my best to concentrate on those very few good things.
Hope you are doing well.
Thanks I also do the same, I try to concentrate on the good things. Have a nice day.
I agree with you, that when you have peace in your mind and heart that is a luxury, that some people think everyone has, but there are sometimes moments that we experience in our life, when something happens, then the whole life changed in a second, you feel anxious, scarred, frustrated and nobody can help you. In many situation time helps, I know it from my experience and as you said it is good to have someone who is in that very moment there, friends, relatives, just a good neighbour who will be there and listen and spend a little bit of time . That can be really helpful. I believe we just too busy with our own problems, sometimes too selfish and if everything is fine with us, then we just do not notice others, blended with our happiness. I hope there are some people in your circle of friends or relatives who are there for you and do not be afraid and ask for help. I believe many will be happy to be there for you :)
Thank you for your comment @stef1!
I have a couple and I love and cherish them with all I got. Don't know what I would do without them tbh.
My children will always be with me and me with them. To me we are electrical beings with meat suits. I may lose them in physical death, but I know they continue on as immortal electrical beings. I would mourn their physical loss but also know they live on. It is not easy losing that physical connection however.
You share your emotions in this post.
Nice post beautiful photographs....
Thank you
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great and very nice photography @m31
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They say that loneliness kills – I agree. It is also a painfully slow way to die.
Just wanted to leave an acknowledgment that I was here and read what you had to say; wish you all the best fighting your trauma.