Musings XXVII

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I don’t feel pretty.  

I admit that it’s a little different when I view myself through the camera but the fact of the matter is that I’m not entirely comfortable in my own skin on a day-to-day basis. It hit me close to home when I had to spend those days in New York without makeup to cover up my blemishes. It was all bad timing and I did not foresee myself falling into such a vulnerable state of mind. I continued to blame myself because I knew that it was my fault for not sleeping well and taking care of my body. My skin has cleared up since then but those insecurities continue to lingering at the back of my mind.  

The first time I doubted my beauty was when I was fifteen years old. Back then, grunge makeup was the trend and natural skin was in. My makeup routine was simple; black liner which was smoked out on occasion and tinted brow gel. I’d pick up tips and tricks from my peers who had learned from their siblings or magazines. I also had a handful of older girlfriends who would invite me along for a ride to the local drugstore. We’d take our time browsing through eyeshadows and leave with colored tinted mascara.

On one particular occasion, we were in MAC looking for lipstick. Leaving our comfort zone of eye makeup and transitioning into lipsticks were a huge milestone, especially for girls who are coming of age. A beauty expert approached me asking what I was looking for and it was apparent that it was lipsticks but she quickly shot that down, leading me to a high chair and proceeded to test foundations on my skin. I was a little confused but followed her lead. She proceeded to vocalize all the things that were wrong with my skin and what products I needed to correct it. Each sentence cut me deep and I began to shrink back into my shell. It was in that moment that my rose colored glasses were removed and I saw a different side of myself.

Through the years, I carried a light veil of makeup with me and relied on it more that I should. Then I’d reminding myself that I should look presentable in from of others and thought back to what that beauty expert had said about my skin. I know now that it has become my security blanket. To this day, I can recall an old flame telling me that I didn’t need all the face paint because I looked the same without makeup. I knew that without him telling me but covering my skin had already become second nature to me. Long story short, it didn’t work out with us because he said he preferred ‘fresh faces’ among other things and I honestly felt like he was full of shit, which he was. He’s currently dating the queen of glam right now, what a hypocrite.

I’ve told myself time and time again that I need to take care of myself. Then I can feel good and I can truly love every part of me. The list is easy but remaining consistent is another issue because life is unpredictable and unless I’m strict on myself, nothing will change. I get so caught up with traveling, spending time creating art that I devote less time to my overall mental and physical health...that is until I crack under pressure. I need to sleep more, eat better, go on a run to energize my body and take the time to pamper myself.  

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Thanks for reading.🦊 

_{Musings XXVI} 

_{Musings XXV} 

_{Musings XXIV} 

_{Musings XXIII} 

_{Musings XXII} 

_{Musings XXI} 

_{Musings XX}