No not again ...

in #photomag6 years ago

Loosing it!

I've been bothered by it lately. And I can not say that I'm happy about it. It happens to me again ... I am busy in my head, no rest in my body, I want to do everything, I have the feeling that I have to do everything, and finally ... at the end of the day there is almost NOTHING from my hands come.

It's not going well. It goes the wrong way. I recognize it, but can't turn it around. Not Yet! I don't feel right, I don't feel good, I feel rushed, and why? Everything has a reason, and for me the reason at the moment is that it starts to break up again that I have NO income. That I am dependent on my partner. I didn't want this dependency, I wanted an equal relationship. Take care of myself! That's what I wanted, and that's what I want now ...

Too Focussed!

My head is therefore very focused on getting an income for myself again! What else can I do? I have been applying for more than 3 years. The economy was bad, but it should be better now according to the news! Why am I not invited to a meeting yet? Am I so bad? No! I know I'm not that bad ...

Of course I have my past against ... First bullied so I made wrong choices. Stupid? Hell yes! It is stupid to make wrong choices that are motivated by fear. But hey, you were not in my shoes when I made those choices and afterwards is always easy judging. Later again for another reason again made wrong choices ... once again stupid! Yes, but even then you were not in my shoes, and if you had been in that situation, you might have made the same choice. But, anyway ... I live NOW. I want to continue now!

And I have to!

Doubting!

Doubts everywhere and then I also put myself under a pressure of "I MUST". And meanwhile the ideas of what I want to do are flown by my head with dozens at the same time. But do not believe that I can capture them ... Before I have realized that there is an idea, the idea has already flown. Just as soon as it came up, it is gone again.

My creativity leaves me alone. And I recognize this ... I've experienced this before. And the time that I experienced it, I slowly slipped into the biggest depression I ever experienced. The moment I wanted nothing more, nothing more, nothing more fun, and nothing could interest me. The only thing I still wanted to do was NOT to feel anything anymore.

It frightens me now, afraid I'm going to sink into a depression again, afraid I'll get to that point again that I do not want anything anymore. I am determined not to let it happen, but am I strong enough? Am I really strong enough to stop this? Am I strong enough to face my fears, my imperfections. Am I strong enough to hold my drive to get where I want to be? Am I ... can I ... ??? These questions are haunting my mind.

Sleeping becomes more difficult, and there are times during the day when I no longer see it all. So far I can still stand with the support of my partner and the unwavering love of my dogs. And so far every day I see a reason to get out of my bed. But I also feel that I slowly lose the grip, that I lose my interests and that the depression is waiting around the corner.

The big difference is that I recognize the NOW, and thus can anticipate earlier ... can call me back, and I can remove the pressure. And that is one of the hardest things to do, recognize and acknowledge that you can no longer cope with it. But that is exactly what I am doing now ... Just take back the metaphorically spoken gas, pull the brakes on myself, and go back to consciously enjoying what I do instead of focusing on what I want ...

Spending time with my dogs and partner and time for myself. Try to reverse the approaching depression and turn my negative feelings into positive feelings. That will cost me trouble enough, but ...

I will go on!




You are around the corner again

You want to take me by my hand
You want me to go with you
You want to up the shackles again
You want to turn off the lights again
You want to take possession of me again


You are called "Depression"


But I walk the other way I'll turn your hand away I do not want to come with you I do not want to be chained I do not want to live in the dark I do not want you to live in me again


I choose "Life"

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Life can be very hard and your mind the biggest enemy. Take care I really hope you can relax. Sometimes it looks like you didnt do anything but if you write down you will see how much you did. And even if you didnt do anything there will be better days. I can relate to the feeling wanting to do so much ending up doing nothing...

Oh yes, totally true, your mind can be your biggest enemy. And my mind certainly is my biggest enemy. I just can't stop thinking ... And not just thinking, but spinning everything around through my brains. Again, and again, and all over again, and every time it sounds worse then the time before.

Well what can work is writing down the thoughts that are spinning. Somehow it's easier to let go when knowing it's written on paper. Hope it can help.

Greatly written. I can relate to portion of the feelings written there. Quite a lot

I hope you are doing good! I totally understand you - I've got the same issues with depressions from time to time - I'm just crawling out of my last one. I wasn't able to do anything the last weeks but I overcame this feeling 4 days ago and just started to make some music - and now I already feel better. It is always a fight with oneself not to give up and sink into that bad feelings and thoughts.
Be strong and enjoy your dogs and your truly beautiful place where you live. <3

I just had a walk with the dogs and looked consiously at the place I live. It is indeed a beautiful place to live, but you know, if you're feeling miserable, you don't see those things. Nothing is beautiful, nothing is fun, nothing is okay, nobody understands you ... ah well, you know what I mean. But that's all feelings. With my brains I KNOW that my partner and my dogs love me, as well as my sister loves me, of course I can have fun, of course there are so many beautiful things, and yes I have so much to be grateful for ... but knowing it, and feeling it ... that are two completely different things! And to get the brains and feelings in line, now that is a hard thing to do. But somehow I manage to stand on my feet, and go on.

Thank you for your kind words and wish for you a lot of strenght and happiness. Keep on making music!

I read some time ago that if you eat every day a hand full of cashew nuts, they work like an antidepressive - I don't know if they really help but I did eat a lot of cashews then and I did not had a depression that time of course a day or two with a bad mood but not that deep depression - you know...- now I did not eat some for a few months and here we are back again into a depression - I will buy some nuts and eat them again - maybe you should try it also :)

Hmmm that's worth giving it a try! Thank you!


This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.

Ooof Hetty thank you for sharing this - sometimes just sharing makes it a little easier to take those steps away out from under the weight. You will find your creative spark again. Love you - Carl

Aaahwww Thank you @carlgnash, I know the creative spark will come again, but it can take a long time before it does. It's hard to find the light in the dark these days. At the moment I feel more like I am fighting to survive, and get through every day without being lost in worrying. However, I will continue to do my best to seek and enjoy as much distraction as possible. Unfortunately, I can not change the situation right away ... I wish I could! But I can make sure that I do not go under myself. XXX

Wa kende gij mooi denke zeg!
Doa zoude wa mee motte duun ni?
Duu dur nog mer zo ene dan! :-)
Want op een been kenne wei ni stoan he.

(NSA eat your heart out)

Hef nen naaisige deej of zuget.

Tja ik haj gewille dak iets minder dacht. Iets minder moi zou ok wel moge, esk me doar bitter van goa vuule :-) Mar dankewel vur oew complementje.

I choose “life” as well...love the poem. Very beautiful article.

Thank you! I knew you would choose "life" as well. But it's the best choice, although "life" sometimes isn't that easy either.

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