Poetry - The girl I once knew

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I reflect on the time the ambrosia of passion once overthrew my senses and I fell far deep into darkest parts of the heart.

Into the pit of delusion I fell.

I loved her so, I saw nothing but good things...

and every rough edge I treated like a contemporary artwork by the latest hipster fashionista.

As she walked towards me in her delicate cadence I wished a world safe and away from here in which we could be together alone... forever.

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The sun shines on the wooden fence and I see the cracks and strains in the wood all the more clearly.

I was lost in a facade of someone else's pain, drawing me in like a magnet to iron.

Birds of a feather flock together it is said...

and so it is.

As time drew on, pressure was mounting and sex could only solve a few of our accumulating climactic dilemmas.

After a bloody explosion of hearts, it is now three months on and I live alone again,

For three years I was in the throws of her heart strings bound and suffocating.

My self trust to find,
the piece of me that can love again,
now I search.

After a long and great reflection in the still lake of undisturbed solitary introspection
I have come to a conclusion on our excursion into the realms of darkened light.

Her neediness, although affectionate was what restricted my ability to get close to her.

And for a time, I related because I was also needy.

But although she was always close, she was always inwardly reacting to something that had been done to her once before - a battle for herself she has never faced - a battle for myself I face daily.

And so I lost interest in her touch,
and lost the ability to feel her when she caressed my weariness...

My defences had developed to avoid the pain of a dry barrel.

I could no longer allow myself to get sucked up and cold by a demon of insecurity living in her skin in place of who she really is.

There's a bird in the yard, she likes to sneak up
She's a very, very good sneaker
Better than a cat

I have no idea how she acquired this skill
But her technique in pouncing lacks tremendously

It goes like this:
Start running, start barking, carry-on

After the very first step of pursuit is when the bird reacts
because it is so obvious
but while she is sneaking
she is invisible

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Copyright Monty Cash Music 2019

This first part of this poem is a fabricated situation. It is inspired by a loving dog called Tinka. Tinka loves hugs but boundaries must be set because sometimes it's too much. By succumbing to her insecurity and giving her more affection than is usual creates for her a large dependence on the affection and this affects her overall quality of life. She was adopted from a shelter and her previous life was abusive.

It has caused me to reflect on my own insecurities and what has caused relationship problems for myself in the past and the importance of defining boundaries because what feels good in the moment is not always what can be trusted due to the effects of childhood trauma and family conditioning. It takes time and self-searching and good friends to establish a 'ground' from which to reference a stable reality from. Observing ourselves and our insecurities is the first step, taking responsibility of them is the second.

It is not just trauma and family conditioning that causes a toxic neediness - it is the concept of love and being in love and falling in love projected by the media which is dishonest and unsustainable. It takes real reflection to see this. Yes, it's just us alone here, and we all have to deal with our own shit on our own. We can get someone to share with at times but this is just delaying the inward facing required by the individual.

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!

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