E-Mails to Jess Vol.4

in #poetry5 years ago

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On another note,

I'd like to ask you about paranoia.

It's been in me my whole life. Always looking for patterns, seeing things only my mind can make sense of.

But after being with my ex, and knowing about gang stalking and being absorbed in that environment for over a year, it definitely left a mark. I mean, it is far away and gone since I left him and went out on my own, but I did have a crazy moment with someone only Months ago. To this day I am certain I am crazy but I will never let go of the possibility that my mind connected dots that shouldn't be connected.

The problem is that I expressed it in words. I knew after I said it to said person that I was sounding crazy, but something wasn't right. That I knew. Something was incredibly unbalanced.

I'm so drunk. But based on the way he spoke to me I figured the only way was he was listening in. It's not uncommon but is incredibly difficult.

I'll never know for sure. But I do know that I'm crazy as fuck. I'm always getting over something. Adjusting. Reconfiguring. Letting go, absorbing. Whatever it takes to move forward with zero glitches (impossible). But its times like these where I look back and see the flaws. I see all the ways I really needed a friend but have chosen to embark on this business course alone which makes me feel so fucking empowered. Empowered to the point where any fuck up, even as big as seeming crazy, is just a learning experience that will make me a pro.

I just can't wait to handle myself in big moments that matter. If I have learned anything about business its that people are just people who are pretending to be more important than they are, or how they feel. I'm telling you, these big shots are just boys with more experience. Its comforting to see this because it makes me realize how much I want to be myself in this business world. I want to be the best version of me but only me. Just fucking me. The problem is that iv been dealing with the bottom of the business world. Once you deal with the middle or above its only facts that matter and personality is what puts you over. Bottom business people are dumb and I don't mean that to be mean, but they are. They think they are clever but they don't know shit.

Anyways, I should go. I love you like I love my wine; dark, red, and bloody good.

;) when I think about me in business it makes me horny as fuck. I just can't wait to know enough to make a name for myself. I'm pretty sure ill have to go back to school. Which is fine by me :) I would love to terrorize a teacher again :) :) :)

Hahaha

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crazy is as crazy does
as the good doctor would say
my favorite saying about paranoia
is just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they are not after you
which is funny because it has some truth
but let's go to the root shall we?
early 19th century: modern Latin, from Greek, from paranoos ‘distracted,’ from para ‘irregular’ + noos ‘mind.’
from para-"beside, beyond" (seepara-(1)) +noos"mind,"

it seems more and more stems from the weird
besides or beyond this mind?
the land of the weird, high strangeness everywhere

it's strange, that back in the day
when first going beyond the mind,
I would get paranoid, as you know
I've been in A LOT, I mean A LOT of weird headspaces
but Robert Anton Wilson's book Cosmic Trigger found my way
at the right time and in the space

the most important lesson I guess is to believe in nothing
but have your suspicions, like early on in my shroom career
I always found myself in the role of the guide
looking back it was just that I was a nerd,
when I thought taking shrooms would be something interesting to try
I just read everything I could get my hands on
and so when I finally had access to them
I sounded like I knew something
but really didn't know anything
and I remember my friend Tori was nervous about taking them
she told me, hey I feel good about taking them because its gonna be with you
and I was like oh shit in my head, but figure ok let fake it and hope for the best

and then came these very weird paranoid that later other friends would have
my friends Rosie and James the first time giving them, we were walking down the street
and they couldn't get this thought out of their mind, that everyone just knew they were on shrooms,
and were bugging out, to the point they couldn't walk,
and I was like well if they didn't know before, now they know!
but I told them, don't trip this is normal, and no one really knows anything
it's all in your head, and this is sound advice about all of life, you know.

no one really knows anything, and it is all in your head.
but one last piece of advice, in the depths of my own madness,
when battling my dark passenger, there is a mantra that has served me well,
everything is alright forever and ever

and you know what everything is alright forever and ever,
even when it's not, you know how fast things can turn from being alright
and great, then everything turns to shit?
well it can turn right back to being alright forever
and ever, just as fast, and usually does, right?

this is how life goes, a series of ebbs and flows, on this wheel of life,
around and around we go, which way is up and which way down,
no one really knows, because after all, it is all in your head, always,
you know what I mean?

weird/funny side note, is it bad that you say business makes you horny, makes me horny? hahaha =D

but thinking about it some more,
I don't really get paranoid anymore, or what I would say true paranoid.
like serious paranoia, I had a really my worst true episode on salvia,
like this was really bad, where I had the thought that someone was watching me
and I just knew it, even though I always knew no one was like I was on some cosmic reality tv show of big brother, and that THEY were watching, and it was freaking me out, I couldn't control myself, that I walked out of my friend house, grab a joint and was pacing back and forth, smoking and trying to get my mind back, from whatever sick cosmic game was being played on me. It seemed like forever and that it would never end, and then out of nowhere it pasted and everything was alright forever and ever
like truth and deeply alright forever and ever, you know.

and I say I don't get truly paranoid anymore, because I don't do salvia anymore,
its like really weird, and mind you I like really weird things
but this kind of weird, is too much for the likes of me, I don't know what it really is,
and you know to go even weirder and stranger
I don't really like that feeling of being watched, was all totally just in my head,
because in between, the dreamtime and waking life,
peeling back the thin veil of reality, I get that same deep knowing that someone,
very weird and strange is, in fact, watching me
now I don't believe in anything, but I have this strange suspicion, but, I do purge myself of derangement, madness
of life, mind, and perception. sometimes it's in drinking and smoking, but in more productive its in writing strange poetry,
or just simply talking to myself, or to my very best but not really good friend(that's you, my love)

we are all mad,
we are all sad,
we are the weird,
but you know what everything is
truly and deeply alright forever and ever

so with that, I really love that you would rant and rave to me
and makes me feel full inside,
so tell me all your madness,
it makes blissfully horny =p

I hope this note finds you feeling weird inside

-satori

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The note surly found me feeling good about being weird inside. Thanks for the best words ever. You always know what to say.

I was talking to my boss today after telling him I have some concerns and issues the night before that I wanted to go over. But then today, I just said, I don't know what my problem is. And then he was a dick and said I'm glad you realize that. Hahaha

But really, I read somewhere recently that the happiest people go with the flow of life. And I believe that because I have always been that person to go with the flow. Up until this past year or two when doing so got me lost and dependant on others to the point I think I have this fear inside me to go back to that place. An invisible resistance of trying to make sure everything is lined up and in writing so I have some kind of ground to stand on. Which makes sense but has only just brought me similar results. I guess the only difference is I seem like a crazy person instead of a stupid person... maybe a step up? Or maybe just level ground.. who the fuck knows.

But my thoughts go non stop lately and I get anxiety thinking of future. It's exhausting but today was better.

I remember doing shrooms with my little sis and we were in the giggle stage and we went for a walk down the streets. It was one of the best times I can ever remember :) so blissful and funny!!

Well, thanks for taking on my broken mind. Your words are better than all the hugs in the world :)

Love yas!!! Xoxoxoxoo

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