Real Talk - Self Harm
I don't like to share stuff about my personal life, but sometimes I just need to. In fact, I've said almost the same thing when I wrote my previous post about some personal issues. If I don't talk about these difficult topics, I would never get over them. So today, I'm reluctantly sharing my experiences with self-harm, in a last-ditch effort to get over them.
Back-Story
If you have read my previous personal blog post, you've noticed that I've left a certain part of my traumatic experience open to interpretation. I think it's best to explain it further, even if it's a taboo subject.
Here's a quote from my previous post that explains it:
I would say that up until recently, I've struggled a lot in life. Partially due to fault of my own, but also due to tragic, unforeseen circumstances. In my early childhood years I suffered from a trauma that extended over a prolonged period of time. -- @daan - Previous Personal Blog
Fuck, I don't want to talk in-depth about my trauma, but I don't see any other way to fully explain the situation. From age 5 to 7, I was sexually abused by my grandmother. The reason why she did this, was because she thought I was gay and that was her way of trying to fix this. I really don't want to write another word about this.
Why I Started Self-Harming
Most people think of self-harming as a cry for attention, at least that's my experience when I've ever heard someone talk about this subject. Maybe that's part of the reason (the cry for attention) why I did it, but definitely not the main reason. It gave me a release from all the bad stuff that was going on in my mind. Kind of a similar effect as what drugs does, only this was meant to punish myself.
I saw myself as someone who didn't deserve to live, because I was different, not normal. The pain gave me a quick release from reality, just enough to keep on going for a little bit longer. I know this might sound a bit contradictory, I was hurting myself because I felt I was unworthy to live, while also doing it, to be able to live.
Regret
I've 'only' self-harmed for a short period, but the scars are still visible. Every summer, I feel this immense regret that I've done it in the first place. I wish I would have come clean (about the abuse) earlier, told my mom about what happened. It was never the right time, then it was too late. I still deeply regret not telling my mom about this before she passed away. She always knew something wasn't right, I was just too afraid to tell her.
Getting Over It?
I've told a few close friends about the fact that I have numerous self-harm scars on my arms, but I'm still scared to go out in public without long sleeves. Sometimes I do go out with a T-shirt, but I turn my head down whenever I feel someone's looking at my arms.
I'm glad that I still dare to go out wearing just a T-shirt (and pants ofc :P ). Sometimes I just don't care and look people straight in the eye when they've noticed my scars. I just have to keep in mind that I don't owe an explanation to everybody and that I shouldn't care too much about what other people think.
Reasons for Making This Post
I'm going to tell you straight away that I've written this blog post for selfish reasons, I just want to come clean. I'm sick and tired of hiding every aspect of my life, just because it's so terrible. I really do hope this post might be a certain kind of trigger for some people to do the same, but if not, I don't care!
Nah, I do do care a little bit. If you're in a similar situation, it's always best to try and talk about it with people you trust. Most people are more understanding than you would expect ;-)!
@daan I cant imagine what it would have taken to do that to yourself, it must have been a very bad place you were in. I have had my moments but have not done this, so far.
Your grandmother, hell.. all I have is great memories of mine, being spoiled. That's what they are supposed to do. That is simply horrible.
Don't know if I mentioned this in my post (I really don't want to read it again), but I had waited until I was around 25 years old to tell anyone about this (am 28 now). Think that's also part of the reason why I did that, keeping a secret like that really does a number on you.
Things like this can be spoken about now, whereas it was taboo then. The world has changed, its good you got it off your chest.
I'd still a bit taboo, but definitely less so than it used to be. If no-one speaks about it, it'll always remain taboo. Not that I'm looking to become a spokesperson :P I'll just keep writing these personal posts every few months or so :D
Thanks for sharing this post. I think there are a lot of people who do this and others don't even realize. It is important too for people to understand the context of the situation and not just jump to conclusions. People need to focus more on the 'why' instead of the 'what'. It seems like you are doing well now and remember you should never be ashamed to talk to a counselor if you need to.
I just don't want to feel ashamed anymore, writing about it helps. Might not have been a great idea to share it on a public platform, but in the end it is who I am. I've been in treatment to deal with these issues and have access to a counselor if I need one :) Thanks @bozz
Awesome! Glad to hear it. I think it is great that you posted about it. Being open like that can be therapeutic at times.
Sorry to hear about the abuse you had early in your life, alot of people has different life trauma that they also passed through. But self harm is not the right solution to such traumatic pain that you felt, you would have discussed it with your mother then or any matured person that is close to you. That way they would have help you emotionally and psychologically to overcome your trauma by taking you to a rehabilitation home for proper care. By coming out to say what you passed through in life is a brave thing to do, I believe others will learn from your experience in other to become better person
Well kinda difficult to talk to my mother about it, since she has been dead for a pretty long time. Also, I waited to tell anyone until both my grandparents were dead. Of course I knew self-harm wasn't the right solution, but at that moment it was the only way I could deal with it.
i truly admire your courage to write this post about your past, i believe this post will touch and change a lot of lives
Fuck! That’s deep man. Really touched. We all have our history but this one makes mine just dust!
Hope that you are doing okay now!
I can’t imagine how you must feeling but let me assure you that we are here to help you!
Hope that you were able to cross a border with this and that it eases your mind a little bit!
Hang it there @daan!
Cheers,
Peter
I've pretty much dealt with it, it's been at least 5 years since I've last done that. Been in treatment for it etc.
The rest of my family has been a great support after it came out, which I really appreciated.
In the darkest days, you really get to know the family and your dearest friends! Good to read that it has been dealt with!
It is not bad to talk about what happens to us or what we feel, talking about the problem is usually the first step to a solution, you are very brave when sharing your experience.
Go here https://steemit.com/@a-a-a to get your post resteemed to over 72,000 followers.
Sometimes talking your spirit is well, it helps you feel free and clean but self harming is not good at all , life is so beautiful, seek love
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Thanks for sharing this mate - it was a pretty heavy read but its good to share these things. There is a lot of stigma around mental health issues and depression. I have been depressed before and it really suck, but I have never been ashamed of it. Sharing and talking about it can really help!
Couldn't agree more with this!