Psychology and Self-Improvement: If Life is a Game... What is YOUR Game?

Suppose, for a moment, that life is basically a game.

Some sociologists and theoreticians would have us believe this is actually true; the "game" we're playing is about negotiating and "moving" through life in such a way as to create the outcome we wish for.

"Winning" means not only that we got what we wanted, but that it turned out to actually BE what we wanted. Because life can be tricky, like that...

Those desires, goals and outcomes are about as diverse as people, themselves... and often the interaction between widely differing aspirations are what we have to thank for depression, anger, conflict, strife and even wars.

It's not so far fetched, really, if you think about it.

Archaic Rules of Therapy?

Many years ago, a friend of mine who's a therapist and psychologist turned "Life Coach" started talking about this particular approach to living, as it increasingly got stellar results in her practice.

To back up for a moment, you might wonder why a psychologist would — in most people's estimation — "step down" from a "doctored" position to something less formal. 

"Life Coach." What the hell is that, anyway? Isn't that one of those New Age-y woo-woo things?

Her argument was that as a practicing clinical therapist she felt helpless... being able to gain deep insight into people's lives, yet being "muzzled" by the de-facto rules of the profession that she could not suggest to clients directly what to do... and instead had to sit there for years and simply keep saying "And how did you FEEL about that?" as clients painstakingly drew their own conclusions — often incorrectly.

Point one being, that so much of our lives is informed by an unhealthy approach to both mental and physical health that centers around "treatment," rather than actual healing.

Point two being, that we "hire" these mental health professionals allegedly because they have superior life skills and understanding of the psyche... but then they are not "allowed" to bring that wisdom directly to bear?

For her, "success" as a counselor meant seeing someone and they would never need to see her again... and yet the profession stood in almost direct opposition to that... advocating years of "talk therapy," often with no significant resolution. 

"I'm here to HEAL people, not to keep them trapped so I can create a reliable income stream," she said. 

Becoming AWARE of the Game

In working with her clients, step one was always to simply bring up the possibility that we're all just playing the game. And that there IS a game.

Seems a lot of people are also resistant to the idea — I was, at first — because you then come face-to-face with the fact that you are somewhat driven by motives and agendas. Because you get to see that the statement "I want to run the company!" means a lot more than simply wanting to be the boss-person.

People — especially those who consider themselves "nice" — don't like the idea that they have "agendas," even if those are agendas dwell mostly in their subconscious. 

Aren't "agendas" for creepy manipulators?

Of course "Not Having An Agenda" is also a game strategy... it's the strategy of remaining "fluid," sometimes to such a degree that it's all but impossible to pin you down. It's also the strategy of "misdirection;" avoiding looking at your own bag of goods by basically rejecting the idea that you're even a participant. Or have a bag of goods.

Avoidance is something a very large number of people DO, once the light falls directly on their psychological motivations... what a lot of (mostly Eastern) healing systems would describe as "The Ego."

Agendas Aren't BAD!

For me, the important thing — which I fear gets "lost in translation" a lot — in all this is to understand that "having an agenda" isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Our perceptions tend to be colored by the idea that if we have agendas, we're somehow evil scheming people. So maybe we should think of them more as "life strategies."

In any case, a large part of some form of feeling better about your state of being starts simply with shining a bright light on those motivations; those strategies we're using to negotiate the challenges of life. What's in control? Who's driving the show? What is it we really want?

As often as not, when people are struggling emotionally — and seek help — it's because they are not sure what they truly want, but they are aware that something presently happening is definitely NOT what they want.

That's where we get to become aware of what our overall agenda is.

And I don't mean "I want Uncle Bob to SHUT UP!" or "I want to be rich!" because those are just surface symptoms of something deeper that's not as we want it to be.

At the CORE: Common Agendas

There does seem to be certain "common" agendas that seem to run pretty much everyone's lives. Sometimes a single one of these "inner scripts" is dominant; sometimes several are running in tandem.

Where do they come from? Some are inherent; inborn. Some are the result of (at the time) perfectly valid childhood "survival strategies." But they may not be valid, anymore. Some are learned through trauma and circumstances in adult life.

Knowing where they come from, however, is somewhat secondary to simply being aware of them in your life.

Wanting approval or love is a pretty common "script." But don't we all want that? Sure we do... but is the desire and need for it running your life... and getting in the way of your enjoyment of life? And there's more to it than meets the eye, because it can also manifest as wanting disapproval and rejection. You might wonder why the hell someone would want disapproval... but sometimes our scripts get screwed up and there's a certain "comfortable familiarity" in suffering with not having what you want.

Being Apart From is an interesting script relating to wanting a very strong individual or separate identity. This is another agenda that can be a "slippery beast," because not only does it involve a lot of rejecting and "pushing away," its own shadow side manifests as that thing we often see in spiritual circles "Oneness." We separate ourselves from individuals by seeking to be "One with the Universe." It can look really "evolved" on the surface, but lots of "Oneness-seekers" actually incredibly apart from everything around them. If you're feeling "triggered" by the mere idea that someone dares to put you into a "category," apartness is probably running your life.

Security and Safety has long been my own personal script, and is a very common one... oddly enough, even among daredevils and adrenaline junkies. This often means being resistant to even tiny changes in life; and always being on the lookout for the "1000lb safe" to drop from the sky, metaphorically speak. "Disaster anticipation" is a common theme. Lots of loners here; lot of conspiracy theorists; life feels like an eternal struggle for survival; there is often an unseen "Them" watching. The "shadow" manifestation is actually a desire to die; most suicidal people are run by some version of the security script... and whereas it may make little sense to most, death is a form of security; at least it seems "known" and finite.

Wanting to Control runs a lot of lives, especially in North America and Europe. Politicians, leaders, anarchists, CEOs tend to be run by this strategy. What does it mean? Most people who want to control actually feel somewhat powerless and out-of-control of everything around them, and are trying to take control so they can feel less threatened. We want to "fix" things, so we can know the outcomes. We get stuck in micromanaging. On the shadow side, we want to BE controlled. Either way "action" and "fixed outcomes" run the show.

Of course, there are others, but those four tend to be the "biggies." 

So... THEN What?

Awareness matters. 

Simply by knowing what your hidden — or not so hidden — agendas are, you will be more able to chose an honest and authentic expression of them.

And maybe you'll discover that some of the things you feel "compelled" aren't actually based on anything you currently want; more of a knee-jerk reaction from situations that no longer apply. 

For example, I tracked my own needs to always seek security to a fear that I was not equipped to deal with unexpected adversities in life... and to an outmoded belief of having no "security" as a child due to absent/unavailable parents. Well, the latter no longer applies — I am married and have supportive friends, yet the old "script" was still running much of my life.

A funny thing tends to happen... which I can verify both through personal experience, and through what I witness in my wife's counseling practice:

When you let go of what you think you are wanting... as in, no longer cling to it... it suddenly becomes easier to obtain. It sounds counterintuitive... bit it seems to hold true.

I always loved the very hands-on example one of my spiritual Teachers liked to share: Grab a pen and a piece of paper. Now hold the pen as tightly as you can... and write your name on the paper, while still holding as tightly as you can. Now loosen your grip, to where you are holding the pen very lightly. Now, write your name again. Which was easier and felt more natural?

Without a doubt, the human psyche is a very complex and convoluted place... and snippets like this post only cover the very top layers. But the more we learn and have awareness, the less suffering we tend to impose on ourselves.

How about YOU? Do you think life — from the perspective of our inner psychology — is basically like a game? And we're all trying to strategize how to best "win" in our own personal ways? Did you recognize yourself in any of these basic "scripts" we tend to run? Leave a comment-- share your experiences-- be part of the conversation!

created by @zord189

(As always, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)
Created at 180606 15:09 PDT