Married to an introvert - mission possible?

in #psychology6 years ago (edited)

art-1839006_1920.jpg

Ten years ago I started dating a guy who I really liked. He was thoughtful, creative, kind and understanding. We could talk for hours discussing in depth so many different topics. Not to mention what a good listener he was!
Although everything was going great I started to notice that we were quite different in a particular way. For example, compared to me, he had the very opposite idea of fun. I would love to go out, meet new friends, go to a club or travel every chance we had. He would rather stay home, meet one or two close friends, avoid every single party we were invited at and try to escape all my attempts to visit new places. I was quite aware that this was a big issue since one of the things that bonds a couple and makes partners happy with each other is how they spend their spare time. I really liked him but I realized that our personal differences might drive us apart. I was sure that we were going to break up eventually.

Well, surprisingly, we didn’t. Not only we continued to love each other’s company but after a year of dating we moved in together. Five years later we got married.

What is introversion and extraversion anyway?

It was obvious – he was an introvert and I was an extravert. We perceived the world in a different way.

It was Karl Gustav Jung who talked for the first time about extraversion and introversion as dimensions of personality (Jung, 1921). Put in short, extraversion and introversion are personality traits which describe how a person directs their energy - either outwardly toward people and activities or inwardly toward thoughts and ideas. If you enjoy meeting new people, having small talk or partying, you are probably an extravert. If you would rather read a nice book, have a deep discussion or have a Friday night with a nice movie instead of clubbing, you are probably an introvert.

We can easily understand Extraversion and Introversion if we see them as two extremes of a continuum. People may find themselves at different points of the continuum. For example, we could both be extraverts, but you could still be a little bit more extraverted than me.

Extraversion_vs_Introversion.jpg

We are all stimulated by the environment as we interact with it. And everyone has a certain level of tolerance to environmental stimuli. When environmental stimulation crosses this line we get overstimulated. As a result, we feel exhausted and overwhelmed. However, there is a difference in how introverts and extraverts respond. Introverts’ level of tolerance is lower and they get overstimulated more easily. They react to the environment in a more sensitive way than extraverts (Geen,1984). Interesting fact is that introverts even salivate more as a response to a drop of lemon juice on their tongue! (Corcoran,1964).

What makes you an introvert or an extravert?

Back in 1956 H.Eysenck (Eysenck) studied whether there is a genetic factor in manifesting as an introvert or an extravert. There was a strong correlation between extraversion amongst identical than fraternal twins. The finding suggested that inheritance plays a big role in determining these personality traits.

A more recent study found that there is a link between extraversion and brain structure. Extraversion was linked to thicker pre-cuneus and smaller superior temporal cortex area. Simply put, our brains differ in structure and this has an impact in one’s personality. (Riccelli et al, 2017).

Of course environmental factors could also play a role. Erik Noftle and Phillip Shaver (2006) found that mother-child relationship defines whether an individual would be more extravert or introvert. This means that it is more likely for a child to become an extravert if the mother is available, responsive and attentive to her child’s needs. (you can read more about that issue in my previous post).

Could you learn how to be more introverted or extraverted? Yes, sure, you can. You could learn how to enjoy a quiet night at home with your spouse, if you are an extravert, or how to engage in small talk with people you don’t know, if you are an introvert. But still, you would rather go out with friends in the first case or keep silence and listen than talk in the latter case scenario.

When my husband was a teenager his Mom was very worried that he would never have a girlfriend as he stayed at home and played Star Craft all the time. A friend of hers tried to calm her saying that “a true girlfriend” would find him at home and there was no need to go out. So, guess where we met?! Yes, that’s right, we met at his place at a party thrown by his roommate.

Why is this such a big deal?

There is an extremely extravert world out there. Actually, every aspect of today’s life is not introvert-friendly (Cain, 2013). Let’s see an example. Imagine you are an introvert. First, you have to deal with nursery and school, where team work and bonding are appreciated. Not to forget all these awful school plays you have to survive somehow. Your teacher would be probably concerned about you not engaging enough with others and would call your Mom and Dad to talk about this issue. It is somehow assumed that not engaging with others is… well, “not normal”, so you will probably believe that there is something wrong with you. When you go to college, you would think you have finally managed to escape it all. But, no. Presentations, speaking in front of an audience, team projects, parties, roommates – the nightmare never ends. Then you found this awesome job where you don’t have to work in a team… BUT you have to participate in all office meetings, team-buildings and those noisy and over-crowded office Christmas parties. Not an easy life to live, for sure...

Furthermore, researchers observed a correlation between extraversion and happiness. (e.g..Argyle et. Al., 1990, Costa, 1980). Does this mean that introverts are doomed to be unhappy? Well, not necessarily. Some findings suggest that there just might be such a thing like “happy introverts”. The authors hypothesize that what affects happiness could be the way people choose to achieve it rather than how extraverted they are (Hill et.al, 2001).

Living in a world which appreciates extraverted behavior more is an everyday fight, which must affect one’s perception of subjective well-being. Just thinking out loud.

How did we make it work?

tic-tac-toe-1777859_1920.jpg

We had our rough times and we still have them from time to time. It was a long road until we got to the point of understanding and accepting each other.

It was very difficult for me to realize that he was really feeling tired and overwhelmed after we had friends over. That he is not excited. That he really doesn’t want to have a birthday party.
If we wanted to stay together we had to think of a way to deal with this issue. So we tried to find activities which we both liked. For example, we started hiking and camping – only the two of us. We had to compromise, though. I had to overcome my fear of being eaten by a bear because he wouldn’t like to share a room with strangers in a mountain hut and we would have to sleep in the wilderness. He had to overcome his joint pain because I would like to see as many places as we can while hiking.

ghost-575636_1280.png

My husband is like a phantom. Everybody has heard about him, but nobody has ever seen him. Some of my friends might actually think that he is my imaginary friend.

It is still a struggle sometimes. For example, he said that I had “stolen” his 30th birthday. When it was coming, I asked him if he would like to go skiing for his birthday, because he had never skied before. He humbled something and I took it as an “Yes” (how convenient). So I booked a hotel. Guess what?! It turned out that he wasn’t paying attention what I was asking. So when the time came, I literally dragged him skiing. He liked it, though. But he still complains to our friends what I birthday monster I am. Instead of going skiing, he would rather stay home for his birthday. For real!

alien-1295486_1280.png

Meet me. The birthday monster.

So why am I bringing up this issue? Well, you might just have an introvert child or a colleague, or a spouse like me. Maybe you don’t quite understand them. I know I didn't and still don't sometimes. Or you are an introvert yourself? Anyway, I hope this post makes it a little bit more easy for us - extraverts and introverts - to share a world together.

References:
Argyle, M, Lu, L. (1990). The Happiness of Extraverts. Personality and Individual Differences Volume 11, Issue 10, 1990, Pages 1011-1017
Cain, S. (2013). Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. Broadway Paperbacks, New York
Corcoran, D.W. (1964), The Relation between Introversion and Salivation ,The American Journal of Psychology , Vol. 77, No. 2 (Jun., 1964), pp. 298-300
Costa, P. T., & McCrae, R. R. (1980). Influence of extraversion and neuroticism on subjective well-being: Happy and unhappy people. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 38(4), 668-678.
Diener, E., Sandvik, E., Pavot, W. and Fujita, F. (1992). Extraversion and subjective well-being in a U.S. national probability sample. Journal of Research in Personality. 26(3), 205-215
Eysenck, H. J. (1956). The inheritance of extraversion-introversion. Acta Psychologica. 12, 95-110.
Geen, R. G. (1984). Preferred stimulation levels in introverts and extroverts: Effects on arousal and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 46(6), 1303-1312.
Hill, P, Argyle, M. (2001). Happiness, introversion–extraversion and happy introverts. Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 30, Issue 4, 595-608
Jung, C. G. and Godwyn Baynes, H. (1921). Psychologische Typen. Zurich: Rascher.
Magnus, K., Diener, E., Fujita, F. and Pavot, W. (1993). Extraversion and neuroticism as predictors of objective life events: A longitudinal analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 65(5), 1046-1053
Riccelli, R., Toschi, N., Nigro, S., Terracciano, A. and Passamonti, L. (2017). Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience. 2017 nsw175.
Shaver, P. R. and Noftle, E. E. (2006). Attachment dimensions and the big five personality traits: Associations and comparative ability to predict relationship quality. Journal of Research in Personality. 40, 179-208.

https://personalitymax.com/personality-types/preferences/extraversion-introversion/
https://www.psychologistworld.com/influence-personality/extraversion-introversion
https://www.psychologies.co.uk/self/revenge-of-the-introverts.html

Images (under CC0 Creative Commons):

https://pixabay.com/en/art-fingers-heart-love-pair-1839006/
https://pixabay.com/en/goblin-creature-monster-character-575638/
https://pixabay.com/en/alien-monster-print-science-fiction-1295486/
https://pixabay.com/en/tic-tac-toe-love-heart-play-1777859/

Sort:  



This post has been voted on by the steemstem curation team and voting trail.

There is more to SteemSTEM than just writing posts, check here for some more tips on being a community member. You can also join our discord here to get to know the rest of the community!

Hello there @insight-out! It was about time I came to check your blog :) Well... welcome to Steemit! The comment you left on my post about Depressiont through the lens of CBT just made me laugh out loud!

I really enjoyed reading this post. Also, I am very much looking forward to what you have to share with us about Systemic Approach. We have another Steemian here who is a systemic counselor @erh.germany. I am sure you will like reading her posts!

Whenever you have the time, please join the steemstem community on Discord.

All the best to you.
I wish you a very successful journey on this platform.

Thanks, Abi <3

Thank you, @abigail-dantes for reading, commenting and upvoting my post! It feels so much better to know that someone actually read your post :D Otherwise, it feels like talking to myself about myself ... which is ...hm... a bit disturbing :D I will definitely join the steemstem community on Discord but first I need to figure out what is "Discord" :D
Systemic Approach is something I find really fascinating and I am going to write about it, for sure! Thanks for recommending @erh.germany, I will check her blog right away! Cheers!

https://discordapp.com/

Discord is a chat/talk platform. There are several different Steemit communities there. You have to sign in.

It feels so much better to know that someone actually read your post

I am going to reesteem your post 😉 Hopefully we can kick start some more interaction :)

Oh, thanks! A lot! Didn't expect that. Feeling a bit shy now ;) Seriously, thank you very much!

Hello there!

I'm late to this post, and found it via a resteem from the awesome @abigail-dantes. What an interesting and pleasurable read!

I'm an introvert, most of the time, and perhaps not as far down the scale as your partner - I not keen on surprise birthday parties though!

I've been very drawn to extrovertsin the past, but thus far 'we' haven't managed to make it work. Thanks for explaining and providing advice on how you have - maybe next time! 😊

Thank you for your kind comment! I hope you find the balance between being an introvert and trying to act in an extraverted world :) Cheers!

Thank you! Forever trying 😊

I think society is not so cruel against the moderately introverts now as it used to be - after all, we have the internet and we have many jobs where one doesn't need to be that social.

University here in Norway also used to be pretty possible to pass without having to socialize, though I believe it has been getting worse (when I was a student, the only thing that was mandatory was to meet up at the exam - except, in the IT we had mandatory programming tasks, because you cannot really prove that you've learned programming in a traditional pen-and-paper exam situation. I wouldn't be surprised if it's mandatory to meet up nowadays. Ah, and I suppose it has always been mandatory for researchers to do a bit of teaching, even for those researchers hating teaching).

I completely agree that it seems to become a little bit more easy for the introverts nowadays. I think that "the era of introverts" is rising thanks to the IT and AI sectors :) When I was working at a school, we were discussing personality traits and made a temperament test with my 9th graders for fun. I was very surprised to find out that most of them turned out to be introverts and... were so proud of it! It was so cool to be an introvert! They were bragging about that. Their personality was still developing and it wasn't a scientific test anyway, we did it just to trigger a discussion. But I think, the most important thing here, is that there is a big shift in attitudes towards introverts amongst the youngsters these days. Or, at least, that is what I observed.

So Ma'am. I have a question. Between an introvert and an extrovert, is there something in the middle?

Hi, @thecappedvillain! As I mentioned in the previous comments, you can absolutely be somewhere in the middle between extraversion and introversion. However, you should still tend a little bit toward one of them. I am not a complete extravert myself, but I am more an extravert than an introvert. You can try this test - it is not a scientific tool but it's fun to make and could give you an insight.

Congratulations @insight-out! You have completed the following achievement on Steemit and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :

Award for the number of upvotes received

Click on the badge to view your Board of Honor.
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word STOP

Do not miss the last post from @steemitboard:
SteemitBoard World Cup Contest - Russia vs Croatia


Participate in the SteemitBoard World Cup Contest!
Collect World Cup badges and win free SBD
Support the Gold Sponsors of the contest: @good-karma and @lukestokes


Do you like SteemitBoard's project? Then Vote for its witness and get one more award!

I'm not really sure about my personality trait though. Maybe I'm a combo of introvert and extrovert, lol. Is that even possible?
Nice read there.

PS: The tag is "steemstem" not "steamstem". So as to increase the visibility of your post.

Yes, you can absolutely be somewhere in the middle between these two. However, you should still tend a little bit toward one of them. I am not a complete extravert myself, but I am more an extravert than a introvert. Although, I absolutely hate small talk :) You can try this test - it is not a scientific tool but it's fun to make and could give you an insight.
Thank you very much for pointing to my shameless misspelling of "steemstem"! I would have never noticed it if it wasn't you!

I've quickly taken the Eysenck’s Personality Inventory test. Here's the result. Does it mean I'm tilted towards extroversion? 😂
Or maybe I should take the test again though. Taking a test inside a noisy bus doesn't sound too cool though, lol.
I'll bookmark this test and send it to my friends to have fun. Though I know some of them would doctor the outcome :D

Thank you very much for pointing to my shameless misspelling of "steemstem"! I would have never noticed it if it wasn't you!

It's an honour

Yes, according to this test (which, again, is not a scientific instrument and it's not even the full version of Eysenck personality test (the real test has over a 100 items)) you tend to be an extravert. This means that your level of tolerance to external stimuli is high and you don't get exhausted by social interaction or whatsoever very easily. You could chat with a lot of people at a party, you would enjoy it and you would feel very excited about that. If you were an introvert you could still chat with a lot of strangers at a party, you will enjoy it at first but at the end you will feel rather exhausted than excited. I am curious, do you find this relevant to you?
You are lucky to have such a low level of neuroticism :) I am pretty sure that mine is higher ;)
Don't forget that this "extraversion-introversion" thing is just a tiny piece of the big picture of personality. There are many other personality traits, which combine with these two and make us unique. Yes, we could be born with a predisposition to behave and react in a certain way, but we have the one ability which makes us quite different than all the other animals on Earth - we learn all the time. So, as @joeyarnoldvn says, we could learn how to behave more like extraverts/introverts (and enjoy it!) and still be an introvert (or an extravert) inside :)
If you like taking tests, this one is far more sophisticated. It still has introversion-extraversion scale inside, but it's combined with a few more scales and personality traits :) We could compare the results. Still not a scientific tool! :D

This is absolutely helpful. I'm really appreciative of this.
I'd come around more often :D

Hey @insight-out
Here's a tip for your valuable feedback! @Utopian-io loves and incentivises informative comments.

Contributing on Utopian
Learn how to contribute on our website.

Want to chat? Join us on Discord https://discord.gg/h52nFrV.

Vote for Utopian Witness!

Thank you, very much!!!

In that test, you got a 22/24 making you mostly an extrovert. You are probably a social butterfly like me at least more so than anything else.

Lol. Yeah! I'm in for fun :p

I'm not really sure about my personality trait though. Maybe I'm a combo of introvert and extrovert, lol. Is that even possible?

I feel the same, that scale between "introvert" and "extrovert" can't be a one-dimensional line. I thought I was an introvert, but I love travelling and seeing new places, and I often enjoy meeting new people more than what I enjoy staying with old friends.

Hi, @tobixen. Thanks for bringing this up. Actually, people find themselves at the extremes very rarely. So, for instance, you could be a 60% extravert and a 40% introvert and that is quite common. As I mentioned in the previous comments, there are other personality traits which combine with this scale. One of them is sociability. They seem to be very close, but extraversion-introversion scale addresses how your nervous system reacts to environmental stimuli. If you are an introvert, you could still enjoy meeting people, but you would get overwhelmed more easily.

Great post btw @insight-out. There is actually a term for those who exhibit both traits it is called ambivert.

Thank you, @jasonbu. You introduced yourself as a "wanna-be-an-extrovert" type, which is quite fun. You made me smile. I should add it on my list of personality traits :D Many people could find thmesleves there :) Thanks for mentioning the "ambivert" type, many people find themselves in the middle of the scale and that's quite normal.

LOL, I completely forgot that I did that. That's exactly how I feel and operate. In my position, I need to find my inner extrovert, often - but it's exhausting. I definitely identify with your husband. Again great post. People don't really understand the true mind of an introvert - your post helps.

I find people misunderstand and often think I'm bored or not interested in an outing or event. In reality, I'm am but I'm usually consumed with expending a lot of thought and energy in trying to figure an angle to get out without damaging my career or friendships(mostly my wife's :-) friends). Constantly calculating how long do I have stay.

It's great that you've worked out a mechanism to deal with it. Key is doing things together. My wife and I actually plan outings giving me specific times that we would leave or to check-in with me. At that point, we either leave or extend. It works well allowing me to focus on the event and interactions.

LOL, I should definitely read your comment to my husband! He wouldn't believe it that there are actually people out there who behave in the exact same way as he does! :D
I am glad you and your wife found your way through it. It's not an easy task, for sure!

I shared the link to this post with my friends to have a read too.

This is a really good post as it directly affects me. I tend towards the introvert end of the continuum and though I am working on becoming more of an extrovert, it could be sometimes frustrating.

In fact, describing your husband is as good as describing me.

I have given you a follow and hope to read more interesting posts from you.

Thank you, @writeit! It turns out there are many "extraverts-in-training" (as @mobbs called himself)on Steemit :D
My next post is about football, I hope you like it (as far, as I see, you are a football enthusiast ;))
See you!

Haha I made no mistake following you! :)

I'd appreciate if you could also someday write extensively on how introverts can adjust to the demands of the "extravertism-appreciative" world. Thank you :D

Oh, I hope you don't have any high expectations! I know nothing about football, but the Worldcup got me thinking about stuff :)
Here is something about the introverts on Ted.com by Susan Cain (I highly recommend her book, it's in the Reference list of my post) :)

Haha let's see how it goes. I trust you to do just fine :)

Thanks for the video link and the book. I really appreciate.

I found your article by @abigai-dantes resteem.

That was a good read!

I very much liked the scale you depicted, so that the wide range can be recognized and the many shades to which one can be extraverted or introverted. That is a really good method and I often use it, too. Also, it delivers a better understanding when things become extreme the more one tends towards the very end of a scale (which of course, is a flexible thing).

I'd like to add that I noticed that I changed during my lifetime. In my young adulthood I was a lot more extraverted compared to now. I connect it to my self-esteem. Self praise and showing off was used by me to receive attention. Apart from that I was more outgoing when I had the feeling that things had to be looked at or stand for.

Good that you and your husband worked things out and accepted your different character traits as something positive and good for co-creation. Your self-reflectings are quite remarkable. To put one in the shoes of the other and come to the realization that denying company or small talks is not selfish from people but sometimes very uncomfortable. Nevertheless it's good to have each other pulled and pushed.

I very much agree that modern civilization tends to pay attention to extroverts. That's an inherent principle in the media driven world. One does not get very much attention by saying reasonable things or staying calm. It doesn't deliver excitement and is unfortunately mistaken as being boring.

Anyhow, I would say both are having good qualities and can complement each other.

Thank you, @erh.germany! I was recommended to visit your blog by @abigail-dantes and I followed it a week ago, but still didn't have the chance to leave a comment.

Good that you and your husband worked things out and accepted your different character traits as something positive and good for co-creation

It's an everyday struggle, though. People always brag about accepting and understanding the other one, but the truth is that it's an everyday effort. You try to understand and accept a certain behavior every single day and it is not an easy task. But who says that relationships are easy?

That's an inherent principle in the media driven world. One does not get very much attention by saying reasonable things or staying calm. It doesn't deliver excitement and is unfortunately mistaken as being boring.

I agree with you that media has to do a lot with it. But I think that our culture mistakenly takes hysteria for extraversion. I think that what media sells us to be "cool" and "normal", is just pure hysteria. And it is frightening.

:) I'd say what we find difficult in others, they find difficult in us. Civilized man is more or less endowed with some self-centered tendencies.
Yes, it is a daily effort and it is therefore good to strive for serenity in the couple's relationship.

Oh, yeah ... I hear you. Drama should not be confused with extraversion.

I'm clearly more introvert than extrovert, even though I love to travel to new places as well as to meet new people. I do remember my mother being very worried that I was staying too much at home and not having many friends as a child. Now we (and the school, and the child protection service, etc) have the same worries about our children.

The eldest is the most introvert, it was particularly terrifying when our now eldest son was 3 years old and started in the kinder garden. He was so happy at first, it took us several days to realize that what he was happy about was nothing but all the new toys. He stopped talking for two years. He would talk with me and his mother, but he even stopped talking with his grand mother. It has always been difficult to drag him out to birthday parties, school parties and other arrangements. For his last birthday he didn't want to have any party, he just stayed at home.

Our youngest daughter is actually a bit extrovert, she enjoys socializing, communicating and talking, but not with too many people at once. Still, she also stopped talking in the kinder garden at the age of three, after she got moved from the small children department to the "big" children department. She's very sensitive for noises. The kinder garden was horrible for her, it's a very open kinder garden with very much noise and lots of other children. To make matters even worse, at her team the employee turnover was crazy, there were supposed to be three people working in the team, but they were never there, only different replacement staff. The kinder garden (of course!) thought the problem must be with the parents, and reported us to the CPS (barnevernet) rather than trying to make things better for her in the kinder garden. Eventually we've moved her to another kinder garden with just a handful of kids, and she's really blossoming now!

I am so sorry for what you were through with that kinder garden adaptation. It is always so stressful for the little ones. I fear this process myself, although my son is only five months old and there is so much time until we get there.

Sadly, a three-year-old is still too young to be left by himself or herself, but our society puts economic development above personal development. It's more important to the society to get you back to work instead of helping you to bring up a happy individual.This is the harsh reality and we all have to put up with it somehow.

My husband went hysterical every time when his parents tried to leave him at the kinder garden. At the end the teachers didn't wanted him there -it was too much trouble for them. So, lucky him, he was sent to his grandmother, to a different town, so that she could look after him.

I hated going to the kinder garden myself and still remember this time like a very sad period of my life.

When I was working at a school I was really annoyed by the horrible miscommunication between the parents and the school stuff. Always blaming and pointing at each other. Everything we did was for the sake of the children after all, so why did we act as if we were from different sides? But this is human nature, I guess, it is always easier to blame the others than try to make things better.

I am very happy that you managed it somehow with your youngest daughter.
I hope your eldest is fine now. I hope he would put this horrible experience behind him. But it takes time and understanding. The best thing is that you are not pushing him too hard to interact. He would get to it eventually.

Coin Marketplace

STEEM 0.39
TRX 0.12
JST 0.040
BTC 70463.21
ETH 3549.83
USDT 1.00
SBD 4.87