1st Person Accounts- Suicide Research- Interview 4

jealousyjane (50)in #psychology • 6 years ago

1st Person Accounts- Suicide Research- Interview 4
By Sheila L. Ferguson
Images Source: Pixabay

Have you or someone you know been affected by suicide or thoughts of suicide or suicide attempts? My name is Sheila Ferguson and I have Complex PTSD, or C-PTSD. I experience thoughts about suicide. I am a survivor. Nevertheless, my trauma timeline has changed me. There are times when my brain function is so "off"- my apologies for lack of a better word- it feels so off that it can even affect my balance. I have had stress induced seizures. Mood swings. Inability to concentrate. I have had to have heart surgery to control what my heart does during panic attacks. My heart rate was documented at 268 beats per minute. Nobody wanted to believe me. I have severe fibromyalgia, which is directly connected to and a side effect of my C-PTSD. My body has been so affected by the stress and my response to the traumas. I have to take medications for my night terrors. I wake drenched in sweat and those dreams can affect my well-being for hours or even days. I cannot work a full time job. I struggle. I really struggle to want to live. Sometimes, it is all so much bigger than me, I feel unable to win against the part of me that wants to die. I've written a poem about feeling suicidal which you can read here: https://steemit.com/psychology/@jealousyjane/insight-suicidal-thoughts.

I want to live. I want to continue to survive. I don't want to be bullied and abused by the part of me that wants to die. In an effort to understand myself and others who struggle with suicide, I have decided to conduct some research in the form of interviews. I will be sharing those interviews openly as they come in, and the survivors will remain anonymous. I will be studying the responses, comparing and contrasting them to my own story, and I will be revealing my own findings as I stumble across things.

In the meantime, I hope you will find Interview # 4 both interesting & informative.
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How have you come in contact with suicide? Someone you know, or yourself?
when I was in 4th grade , my best friends dad shot himself in the head & it bounced off the water heater & hit his step mom in the face. I didnt witness it but he did & I witnessed what it did to him. Despite that , I still started contemplating suicide in the 7th grade & started cutting. OD'd on vivarin freshman year. Became of the Idea that I was gonna be the one to kill me , just didnt know how or when. witnessed my mah OD on xanax & booze Sr yr. A close friend hung himself a yr later. went thru a period of years after losing my son to a vindictive mother where I tried to OD on speed & others everyday & night , oddly e nuff health class lied ( again ) & its hard as shit to "blow up ur own heart " at least in ur 20's it is... Fiancee OD'd on Oxycontin & Fentanyl...& then near 2 yrs ago my brother ( a man who was vehemently against suicide due to the loss of multiple friends this way , including the one I mentioned hanging himself ) zip tied himself...He was found sittin on his own porch swing by his pregnant daughter... all further Q's will be answered in regards to myself or my brother...mostly him , cuz now I only think about it when Im havin "an episode"...

Age and other demographic information you choose to provide.
He was 39...I'm now 39...both white males w/ good dads & shitty moms...both from non religious households...

Any formal diagnosis for the person?

No he had no formal diag...I do tho ( PTSD from childhood )& we shared most the same abusers as kids , except he was in an abusive marriage for 18 yrs that pushed him over the edge. No doubt n my mind he would have been diagnosed had he ever sought to be...

What can you tell me about the person and the events leading up to the suicide or attempt? Was something going on?

BOOZE ..... & Yes something was going on he found that his wife of 18 yrs & mother of his 2 kids had been cheating on him w/ a guy down the road that was more financially well off than he was , she admitted this to him while they were piss drunk & informed him she was leaving him for the other guy...she had also been hitting him for 16 of 18 years...he flew off the handle.... , she waited till the nxt day to tell the police so they would go arrest him at his job & he'd be fired...then divorced him & took his truck & placed a restraining order on him so he couldnt return to his home w/ his 2 kids...1 of the kids was removed to an asylum ... she moved out of the home she had him barred from & moved in with the guy 2 or 3 doors down... after a mo of tryna drink himself to death... I got him a new job , he got his house back , his dad bought him a new used car to replace his truck , he got a new girlfriend...& the fuckin bitch came back...weaseled her way back in with his son...did a love triangle w/ the new girl , & then the exwife went to rehab for booze & when she returned demanded the 3rd wheel kik rox...once the new girl was out of the picture the exwife left him AGAIN & returned to the guy down the street. She was also pregnant...No one sure if its my brothers or the new guy..she says new guy , but the kid looks like us...not sure if she told him she was pregnant or not ..I think she told him she was & it was his & she intended to raise it with the other guy & lie about who the father was....that night he got super drunk ....& ...

How long? Isolated event or ongoing? When did this happen. More than once? etc.
yes... kinda ...I just didnt think he was serious cuz he was alwayz so against it ( & in my eyes he was better off at that time than he was a mo prior ( back home , new car , new job , wouldnt have been hard to get that new girl back ) ....he'd even on multiple occasions kik'd ppl out of his house just for talkin about it...... I had no idea he had zip tied himself once before this & his wife cut it off...something his best friend told me at the wake I held for him at my house on his B day that year...

Did the person reach out for help?
no

Did the person mention struggling with suicide?
no

Did suicide run in the family? Did mental illness?
no suicide doesnt but mental illness does heavily..

Was there anything that would have changed or prevented this from happening?
nothing would have changed this except maybe me had I known about the previous & takin his subtle hints seriously I may have been able to talk sence into him...I doubt it tho that bitch had his head FUCKED up total stockholm syndrome case...

What was the method?
2 zip ties pulled at the same time same direction.

Was there a note or planned note? If so, who was that addressed to? Family? Bully or abuser? Government? School?
no note. 1 song posted on his fb wall... Seether : Fine Again...

How did this experience affect you?
this exp removed from my life the 1 & only person I never even thought about not havin around my entire life....WRECKED...my wife says I'm not even the same person anymore...she'd know best...it's a touchy subj. especially since I have to still deal with the ex wife to gain any access to my niece & nephew ... I thought I was rdy for this survey but it scared me for over a wk & Ive been writing it thru tears , all morning... I cant even hear "Fine Again" w/o crying all the way thru it ...the thought of even playing it makes me cry . eventho I had quit drinking I went on a 2 wk bender of booze & Klonopin that ended in a relapse on speed for 3 days or was it 6??

How did this experience affect others?
It's not just that I have to deal with the loss but I have to be here w/ his 3 kids & his father ( fathers only kid ) , it tore my Uncle apart... it hurt the 4 of them to a point ( especially the eldest daughter ) , that I feel selfish even feeling like it was the worst on me , & I dont even know how to be around them anymore but sad...I remind him so much of Jason that my Uncle quit coming to my house when he visits IN...& I cant imagine how his middle daughter had to deal with it all while in a mental institution , cuz she had called the cops the last time her mom hit my brother...

Was the person under mental health care of any kind?
no

Do you have any advice for people who experience suicidal thoughts?
I'm not the best person to ask for advice on the matter seein as how while I dont actually think about it on the reg , I go from 0 to murder-suicide in about 2.2 if u get me aggro & push me into a state of "havin an episode" ei "gettin my agent orange ta actin up"...I do typically try & tell ppl that nothing is permanent like death...no matter whats wrong right now , it wont be in 5 yrs...if u keep fighting , ya gotta win sometime , right?? of course U do!!! ppl love U , I am one of them!!! hugz

Do you have any photos you wish to provide to accompany the story?
no

Can we contact you for more information or additional questions?
sure
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1st Person Accounts- Suicide Research- Interview 4

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