When We're Really Just Making Excuses

As you may already know, I love gardening and growing my own food. However, I also have a fear of caterpillars, grubs, slugs and worms; the soft bodied and in particular the slimy invertebrates. I'm not overly find of most bugs, but those ones in particular make me squirm.

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Because I like gardening so much, I decided that one way or another I would have to learn to deal with bugs, because I don't want to use pesticides. At first I armed myself with gardening gloves to be able to go near them, but I still won't touch slugs even with them on; the slime is just too much! I use twigs to move them into a position where I can dispose of them. Most other bugs I'll find the courage to pick off the plants now, though. In many cases with bare fingers. My fear hasn't gone, I've just found a way to work through it, because I want something else enough to have a reason to deal with it. In this case, saving my plants is my drive.

Recently a woman was saying on a gardening group that she really wanted to garden, but was terrified of caterpillars and grubs. I told her that I too had that problem and how I'd chosen to manage it. Her response was that she was so scared that when she realised there was a caterpillar on some food she was preparing she threw it across the room. The old, ‘my fear is worse than yours’ approach. “Yes, I've been there!” was pretty much my reply. She went quiet after that.

I often find that when people share with others how they learnt to deal with with things in their lives, the one seeking advice will often come back with the reason it won't work for them, because their phobia or problem is worse than that. Yet, if we're truly honest with ourselves, this is an excuse to not have to take responsibility for our own issues.

One thing that particularly frustrates me is when people share how they learnt to cope with their depression and others deride their methods saying that they only work for people with mild depression. Essentially, they belittle what that person has been through and dealt with by trying to say that their own depression is worse. It's insulting to those who have hauled themselves back from near suicide and sometimes attempted suicide. Yet I don't think they realise the insult as they battle with their own depression.

I don't think severe depression and phobias are not something that can be cured, but they can be managed. However, you have to want to manage them and it's not easy. It means taking responsibility for yourself and sometimes it needs a reason to make you want to manage it.

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Yeah that can be really frustrating.
The inverse can also be true. I once made the mistake of highlighting that doctors will usually start a patient on a placebo level dosage to see if there was any change. Some people need higher doses, which sometimes the issues are not mental but external. I was attacked for saying this.

It's complex.

And I am not a fan of bugs either, and the weather is heating up.

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Haha, I don't think bugs enamour many people! They are, however, fascinating from a distance...like on the tv.

Goodness, the bugs you get in Australia will be VERY different from the rather innocuous ones in the UK. It's one thing I appreciate about this little island lol, having grown up in India.

Very nice expanded discussion around phobias and depression - I consider all inner processes such as these to be linked in fundamental ways, and usually going back to childhood experiences. And yes, having made oneself vulnerable by even talking about depression (or abuse or whatever) and being told that it's 'mild' or 'that one should get over it' can be utterly devastating. To come out with such stuff one must actually be insensitive to one's own pain (the statement 'my depression is worse than yours' betrays an lack of understanding), in other words if I have faced my own pain to some extent, I will know that a soft and gentle approach is the only one I would wish to take, for I would then have empathy.

Interestingly, I recently had a conversation with my eldest about empathy and feeling vulnerable when you open up about something, then betrayed when it's just brushed aside.

What gets really weird is when people present their phobias as virtuous. I'm thinking of guns specifically.
I'm terrified of guns; they're just so scary. As if a crippling phobia is something to be proud of.
What happened to personal development?
Recognising a personal shortcoming and finding ways to manage or resolve it.
You can be anti-gun; but being terrified of them shouldn't be something to brag about.
If anything it should serve to undermine the validity of your position.

I feel like this is a new phenomenon. I'm sure phobias used to be something people avoided sharing as they can make you vulnerable (at least that was my experience when younger). Now that we're being encouraged to open up and are offered sympathy instead of the raucous laughter, while Johnny gets a beetle dropped down his top and he freaks, it seems like there's competition to be the most crippled by fear and get the most sympathy.

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From each according to his ability.
To each according to his need.

Makes need an asset, and ability a liability.

I often find that when people share with others how they learnt to deal with things in their lives, the one seeking advice will often come back with the reason it won't work for them because their phobia or problem is worse than that. Yet, if we're truly honest with ourselves, this is an excuse to not have to take responsibility for our own issues.

She is a bit edgy today, I like. Well you know something it takes more than wanting something. Sometimes you just have to take that extra step by doing. The thing is most people just want to complain, they have no real intention of changing, telling them otherwise -- that their problems can be solved will be met with more resistance.

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Or maybe they don't even want to change, they just want some sympathy.

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Like you, I'm not a fan of bugs, particularly the ones with 8 legs. I'd rather scream like an idiot and run around flapping my arms until someone else kills it for me. When I was younger, the phobia was so bad that I had to refer to them as arachnids - I just couldn't bring myself to call them spiders - it was just too scary.

However, with a nearly 4 year old in the house now, who watches my every move, I need to approach these animals in a manner that is not going to produce in him, the same irrational fear that I've carried for so many years. So not showing fear is more important to me now and because it's for reasons other than myself, I'm finding it easier to deal with. I don't know where my fear came from, but I'm sure as hell not going to curse my boy with the same fear I've carried for so long.

Having children is certainly a good reason to learn how to manage fears. I always tried to be calm around mine, but my eldest decided to develop a phobia of spiders anyway. To think, she happily held a tarantula when she was 4 or 5.

Why in the world would you give her a tarantula!?! I would be jumping all over that bastard, unless I was comatose on the floor!! I want my kids to not inherit my fears - not necessarily develop loves that I won't be able to handle!!

😂 I didn't! I don't think I could touch one. The school had someone bring in some giant bugs. She even held Millie, the giant millipede! I'm just glad I wasn't there to see it. I'd have struggled not to give the whole class phobias!

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