How Having Children Impacts My Tolerance for Intimacy
Maybe I should start this by sharing that my nickname from babyhood was "Shawna No." The reason for this is I did not like to be held, hugged or touched. I weaned myself early. And anytime people tried to tickle me or play in any way that involved contact, I've been told I shouted, "No!"
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But I don't remember that. What I recall is never getting enough of snuggling on my mom's lap or being bundled in blankets. I'm still that way, preferring to be warm and cozy to any other option, except when it comes to touching other people. And this can be hard on my marriage, for reasons you may rightfully induce, when I tell you that I cannot stand to give or receive touch if I have had my kids home with me all day.
Two of my three kids are major cuddlers. I've heard this is because both fall under the sign of Cancer. While I'm not sure what difference that makes, they are definitely alike in their need for near-constant contact in order to feel loved and appreciated. Which means I am often all loved out by the time my partner walks through the door in the evenings. I've tried many ways to hold space from him in my mind as if that will stop my body from being overwhelmed by our children. The fact is, in 12 years I haven't been able to get a foothold on increasing my tolerance for touch. And if my babyhood nickname is to be believed, this may be an aspect of autism for me just as much as from the various physical and sexual traumas I've experienced throughout my life.
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Honestly, this is not embarrassing so much as frustrating. I want to be an equal partner in intimacy. I want my partner to feel deeply loved and appreciated, to know he is attractive and appealing, but we are lucky if I can make eye contact in the evenings. Parenting saps me of more than my will to touch or be touched; it destroys my ability.
What I mean by that is trying to force the issue, even very slowly and gently, results in panic attacks or flashbacks or other deeply unpleasant experiences no one wants associated with love. I can't even see them coming half the time. The panic will just slam me so I seize up and close off and sob uncontrollably. Medicine. Therapy. Exercise. Writing. None of it can erase my body's memories, and my body remembers more than my mind does.
The first week of Spring Break has just come to a close. This means I have had cuddly kiddos on me non-stop for a week. And they will continue to be on me for another week. I am holding my breath, just looking for that break. Next weekend, my partner and I get to slip away. I can be untouched for a day and hopefully touched for another. Yes, please.
In the meantime, he and I are showing love by recognizing a safe boundary. We have been together for 20 years now. Since we were 16. We've learned patience means happiness; that "no" is not the same as rejection.
Hey thanks for sharing, must be such a hard topic to talk about too! I struggle with telling people no - a little opposite to you. My automatic respond is to please people all the time and any time I find I have offended someone I get really shaky and nervous.