Why Speak?

in #psychology6 years ago

In the vast majority of cases, there’s no point in opening your mouth.

I'm not sure if it's my upbringing, my temperament, or the long decades of working in sales, but the mysteries of conversation have just gotten harder and harder to grasp.

I’m not really sure why people talk.


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Small talk and chit-chat, especially. Clearly it’s not to convey information. Most people are just jabbering on in an unthinking attempt to affirm their own existence. “I did this, and then that, and then this happened.” And their sense of superiority. “Can you believe Suzie did that?” (Unspoken: I would never do that...)

And when the other person is speaking, it’s not like they’re listening, considering, or storing what they hear for later use. They’re thinking about the next thing they can say.

I work in an historic tobacco shop that has meant a great deal to many people.

Lots of the customers come in loaded with stories about when they shopped here in college, or came with their fathers to buy their first pipe, or met the previous proprietor (who is still alive, at 97, and smoking a pound of his favorite blend every month). It's fascinating to hear so many tales, and to know that I’m carrying on a tradition that has touched so many. And thankfully, it doesn't require me to say much in return.

Others come in looking for suggestions. They want to be sold to. They want to talk about brands and flavor profiles, and which cigars will impress their boss or father-in-law. I’ve learned to keep my recommendations to a minimum – one or two at the most. Because they’re not really listening. They might ask for something mild for the occasional smoker, and then pick out the strongest cigar in the house because they like the way the band looks, or the fact that it comes in an aluminum tube. It doesn’t really matter what we say.

That’s fine. They still leave happy, and we still get their money.

When I worked at the bookstore, we were encouraged (required, actually) to approach every customer who came through the door, engage them in conversation (brief, as payroll hours were precious), and make a suggestion based their needs and interests. “Build their shopping basket!” was the message of the daily motivational meetings.

It was laughable what a waste of time this was. In eight years, a total of two customers actually purchased a book based on my recommendation. And who knows how many people we actually drove away with this high-pressure sales environment.

Life isn’t all about work, selling, and persuasion.

Surely conversation has other uses?

I know there are families where people get together, catch up and banter, laugh, and gossip.

But when I phone home to mother, it’s to hear a litany of everything that’s going wrong. The dogs are sick, the roof is leaking, the wild turkeys are eating up all the birdseed, the boyfriend is on another tear about repairs to his boat.

If it gets around to “how are things going with you?” and I mention how much I love my job, I have to overcome “aren’t you getting sick of the long train rides? Isn’t it miserably hot in the city? How do you deal with all those crowds?” She’s already decided I’m as miserable as she is, and no amount of talking is going to overcome that. It’s easier just to say, “I’m tired,” and cut the conversation short.

Because at that point, I am. I phone home every two weeks and it takes me days to overcome the resultant depression.

I was quite a chatterbox, when I was a kid.

I’d get passionate about something: photography, computers, books. And I’d talk to anyone nearby about the stuff I’d learned and how interesting it all was. My mother took to calling me “ratchet jaw,” and warning visitors about me when they stopped by.

Some time in middle school, in my reading, I came across the presidential maxim, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” For some reason a light went off in my head and I realized there was more power in silence than speech.

I challenged myself to remain silent for as long as possible. If you leave your mouth closed for a period of hours, the spit dries on your lips and starts to glue them together. I’d challenge myself to go for a day without breaking this seal. When it was time to eat I’d take pleasure in how hard it was to open my mouth.

This was when I turned to writing as my primary form of expression. Write something down in a journal and it doesn’t have to bother anyone else.

Writing something to share is a little more ballsy, but it’s not like anyone has to read it. Still, my first romances were carried out very much on paper. Long notes of several pages scribbled on notebook paper and then folded into little triangles, to be passed illicitly in the hallway with the electric touch of a lover's fingers.

Do people still do this? I was fortunate to date literate women, and as a result, writing – especially with pen on paper – has always maintained a touch of the erotic.

My other great pleasure was music. Since piano practice proceeds without words, it was another way to be silent. I still favor songs without words. (There is nothing more poisonous to the mind than a catchy jingle.)

As a result of all this silence, I’ve come to speak, and really to think, the way I write.

First, the concept, or the anecdote, or the experience I want to share, arises as a vague impression. Then I come up with a way to describe it. Then I revise and polish, a mental red pen lancing through word choices and rearranging phrases until I’m ready to talk.

But at this point, the conversation has usually moved on to another subject or three, and it’s easier just to nod or shrug or make some noncommittal noise that shows I’m still listening. “Oh, but you had something you were going to say. What was it?”

“Never mind. It’s long gone.”

It’s hard to keep up with conversation. Am I the only one who finds this to be true? When someone else is speaking, I can’t help assuming they’ve given the same thought to their words as I do - even though this is rarely the case. I’m concentrating on each word and trying to get to the root of what they’re trying to share. So when someone says, “like, you know...” or substitutes one word for another, it throws me into a state of anxious confusion. Because I don’t know. Why can’t they use the words that mean what they’re trying to say?

This mindset is perfect for working in sales.

You learn a repertoire of phrases. Practice them like a piece of music until they can be delivered to the intended effect. Roll them out when it’s appropriate. You can improvise, sometimes. But there's no point in going too far afield. Selling is more like classical than jazz.

Talk about the weather, but not in too much detail. (“It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.”) Flatter and up-sell. (“Treat yourself, you deserve it.”) Compliment them on something they’re wearing. Mention whatever current event you saw on the front of the paper as you walked past the newsstand, and let them go on about their take on politics. (It’s not like you were going to convince them with yours, anyway.)

If they thought about it, they'd know you don't really care. But maintain the illusion for a few minutes and they'll buy something. And at least, in retail transactions, speakers’ motives are perfectly clear. They want our stuff, and we want their money.

When people talk to me with genuine interest, I get suspicious.

It’s such a rare experience that I have to question their motivations. Why are they pumping me for information? Do they want to sell me something? Why is my story valuable? Are they looking for a vulnerability? Do they want to steal my identity? Are they angling for a political advantage? Are they forming judgments? Is it a test? Do I pass? What are the repercussions? Will this conversation affect my credit score?

It’s better to remain silent. Or to say as little as possible. Just in case. “Anything you say can and will be used against you...”

The idea that someone would hold a casual conversation just because they enjoy my company seems more far-fetched than the wildest science fiction.

It’s amazing, how you can get by with so few words.

I envision an app for the cell phone that could keep a tally. With the voice recognition we have today, it shouldn’t be too much of a stretch to program something that could identify the people we talk to throughout the day and keep track of how many words they speak. I’d like to install it and see just how much I really talk, and whether the people around me say more, or less.

I’d probably get addicted to it the way some people obsess over sports scores or Pokemon Go characters. Obsessed with my own silence, I’d want to keep driving my score lower and lower, like a golfer, until I could ultimately drown in a sea of perfect silence.

How about you?

Do you enjoy talking? Can you hold a casual conversation? Do you think it's possible to gossip, without an agenda?


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Your article catches my attention. Guilty as always, I like to talk but in a good way :) but I am not good in sales. I do not know how to talk like sales person and persuade someone to buy. Sometime people talked to others just want to relief their stress. It nothing about gossip or complained. But is just to relief their stress, they don't require you say much in return.

I am enjoy talking if it is not a gossiping. I don't like people gossiping about other friends, which is very bad. I came across a guy who like to gossip.. Yes a man. Gossiping normally is from ladies. Man normally just quite and stood next to his wife when wives started the conversation.

Normally a conversation started with "How are You?" " Long time didn't see", and I felt it so boring :) because the answer always be " I am fine" " could be better". This not a conversation. This is more like daily polite tasks we need to have. I can start on a casual conversation only when the other party started it, or else i would like smile and node.

I challenged myself to remain silent for as long as possible. If you leave your mouth closed for a period of hours, the spit dries on your lips and starts to glue them together

This was funny but it is true. I have the same feeling as well.

A few words to relieve stress is understandable. But I think if we could get comfortable with being quiet around each other we could save a lot of energy!

I think men can be just as guilty of gossip as women.

Definitely agree with you!!

Interesting topic!

And who knows how many people we actually drove away with this high-pressure sales environment.

I may be one of those people like you have driven away with their sales talk. I do not like sales people tailing me in a store asking me to buy this or that because it is this and that. I appreciate them if they keep their distance and be attentive to approach only if I ask for help.

When people talk to me with genuine interest, I get suspicious.

So here on Steemit, what do you think is the motive of people coming to react to or comment on your post? This post for example?

I'm always more comfortable with interactions online. Maybe it's because I'm free to respond, or not - and to take my time if I need to think first.

When you're in person, you're psychologically obligated to respond right away. You might say something you regret, because you feel like you have to be polite. And you might find yourself buying something you don't want or need. Salesmen are especially predatory when they get their hands on someone who is naturally agreeable.

I fully agree about your reasoning for choice for online communication. Though that would also depend on the situation. If the subject is important and the correspondent is not getting it or taking it lightly, I would prefer face to face conversation or at least through phone. This happens mostly at work.

I have been into cases of buying something that was not planned. When I realized what was happening, I came to the point if being snub because sales people were literally tailing me.

And yes, I have also been suspicious if people suddenly become serious with me when they did not use to. During those times, I realized they come forward for a serious talk as if we are close because they need something. Then we go back to being just acquaintances afterwards. It is sad but I learned my lessons then.

You're right. There are a lot of times where hashing things out over a normal conversation is a lot more efficient than sending dozens of texts back and forth. But we get so used to the convenience of texting that it becomes psychologically difficult to make that phone call.

I agree. And sometimes cost of voice services or calling can be another hindrance.

Hi @winstonalden, this is an interesting topic. It reminds me of Ronan Keating's song - When You Say Nothing At All. Thank you for this write-up.
I am quite an introvert and would prefer not to speak half the time, when peace and quiet is appreciated. On the other half, I can be quite an extrovert, speak just for the fun of it or when situation arises. But even with talking, I am affected by voice. If a person's voice is too pitchy or too loud or at rush, I would prefer not to speak, just because I do not wish to hear their voice which can be quite disturbing to my zen-ness But I do strike up a quick conversation sometimes talking about the weather, the traffic and so on. It depends on the mood. Are you affected by voice?

You're right - sometimes even the most surly of us are in the mood for a conversation - but it takes a lot less to satisfy that craving than it does for an extrovert.

If someone has a voice that's grating, or if they just talk unceasingly, I'll start associating that voice with discomfort and try to avoid it. There are certain customers at work that I can hear a mile away and think, well, this is going to take a lot out of me.

Yup, ditto to that! Avoid at all cost, if possible that is or minimize to a level that is possible, i.e. to not go near them :D.
Thank you @winstonalden. You have a great week there :)

Hi winstonalden,

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This may be the most thoughtful post I've read on Steemit thusfar! So many good points. I have a coworker that asks me how my weekend was, then doesn't listen to anything I say. It's maddening!

Thanks @dbennett - your comment means a lot!

Yeah, I've learned to respond to most inquiries of "how was your weekend?" with "fine." Or I make up something outrageous to see if they're paying attention.

When i am at work I don't have much time for small talk. The how was your weekend questions would only annoy me and anything along that line as people ask them out of requirement rather than any genuine interest in your life. It's what they are expected to do by society so that is what they do.

The people whom i enjoy talking with are the ones who have a genuine passion for the subject. Whether it is an elderly person with a unique story and history, thats great. A debate over politics, sport, movies..... I don't mind as it's genuine.

The idea that someone would hold a casual conversation just because they enjoy my company seems more far-fetched than the wildest science fiction.

When you say something like this it would be the exact opposite of where i am from. Over here you can sit beside strangers at the bar and ten minutes later get involved in a huge conversation about almost anything.

It can be a friend or a stranger, but anybody who approaches people with the right attitude will be welcomed in. The amount of nights we have gone out with one or two people and finished with ten is common place. Just meeting genuine people who's company you enjoy and all get on together. Those were some of the best nights.

It must be rewarding to have those sorts of conversations. I see you're from Ireland. I think it's part of your culture to be able to speak like that, casually and genuinely at the same time. Some of my favorite customers are Irish and I really admire their connection to friends and family. (To be honest I'm a little jealous of it.)

It's much like what we encounter here in the states, down south. Someone will strike up a conversation at the gas station or the grocery store, and it's hard as a New Englander to accept that they just want to talk.

True. I am from Ireland and it's part of the culture to talk and welcome. It's what we know, what we were raised as.

I know from experience that some people find it very strange and unusual. I was in america last summer touring the west coast and we would talk to anybody or go anywhere but sometimes when we were out with Americans they would be telling me not to talk to strangers and it could be dangerous. I obviously ignored that and had no problem asking people questions or chatting to them on a night out but some of the people with us just couldn't get over it. I found it very funny how closed off the were really but it's how they were raised and the culture that they have.

Although the words seem beautiful to me, I don't think you should wear them out, I hate unnecessary phone calls. I dream of a world where we don't repeat so much what we say, (only songs) but conversing has to be an art otherwise it's just something without transcendence. Sometimes silence is more pleasant than any conversation, it will always depend on the company.

Sometimes silence is more pleasant than any conversation, it will always depend on the company.

That's true. My wife and her family talk nonstop when they get together. But when I get together with my sister we can go for a long hike without saying much at all.

I can somewhat relate to what you wrote at the beginning about talking to your mom on the phone.

I find I like talking to my mom best when the subject of art comes in. So whenever she gets into the loop of talking about things that interets only her, I try to bring the conversation back to what interests both of us - how she teaches drawing at school, what I draw or what I play.

Otherwise, it's better to just keep silent...

Yeah, it's funny how we learn what the "safe subjects" are with certain family members.

While speaking can't be completely ruled out of our lives, I personally find conversations, especially the really long ones to be quite exhausting, that could be because I am more of an introverted person, well, except for when its supposed to be really funny, obviously but even at that, I get bored when the conversation holds on for far too long.

My Mum get a headache whenever she stays for too long without talking, and I get drained mentally when I talk for far too long, the thing is just not for me. I guess it just goes to show how different we really are.

Do people still do this?

Well, people do this but in a technological way. Lol! They use their phones (or computers)

As far as connecting with our loved ones goes, I think we could actually do more with less words.

As an introvert, I simply can't understand how people are energized by interacting with other people. As much as I love my job during the week, for instance, I need to spend the weekend in isolation to recover from it.

Texting on the phone just isn't the same as passing paper notes, though. You miss the handwriting, the smell of her perfume...

Introverts do get their own energy from spending time alone, quite different from the "norm".

Yeah, true. Text messages loses that essence and personal touches. Text definitely can't compare to a hand-written letter, It will be really great to go back to that practice...

It is indeed better to be quiet than to speak absolute nonsense. You have given great insight into this subject. You have brought up points i have never even thought about. I am the quiet type so i don't talk much, however, i value meaningful conversation. I avoid conversations that add no value to my life, these are rather time wasters.
I enjoyed reading your views on this subject. It inspires deep thoughts.

You're blessed if you have the freedom to avoid the conversations that add no value to your life. Sometimes avoiding conversation can be as much of an art as conversation itself.

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