Notes to self | Ego-juicing incoherence-rant about inexplicable transformations on the inside, the unclear maze of lifepaths & a tornado of mind-confusion in times of great change

This will all sound overly dramatic, probably because I hang on to who I thought I was more than I should or thought I did. These days I hardly recognize myself at times. It is as if I'm in the middle of some mysterious transformation that somehow seems long overdue and healthy yet painful, though that is more of a creeping intuition than a concrete insight. A suspicion my ego probably came up with to have a new model of "what is going on". HOORAY. A NEW MODEL.

On a more concrete note, I find most of what I loved digging into - exploring different perspectives on society, conspiracy, alternative viewpoints on youtube, occult perspectives - has become a giant bore and a more than graphic distraction. Distraction from what i can only guess, but I do get that definite sense when I see people rambling away on something fundamental, borrowing long-trodden explanatory models that may just as well be part of the charade as the lies these people are trying to expose.

I am not even speaking about the alternative "mainstream" on youtube with millions of subs, regurgitating myths that can be meaningfully debunked if one is willing to put in the effort... I am talking about the new... binders of society that do so - seemingly - against their own understanding of what they are doing.

A new generation of myth spreaders, something that I may find so painful to watch these days because I recognize part of myself in it. I am projecting my own painful growth on those I see sharing what they found, which saddens me and drives me at the same time. "Saddens" because I don't like judging people, yet in stating the former that is exactly what I am doing.

It's this weird ego-driven mania that can grip oneself if one has just started moving out of his parents basement - suddenly all basement dwellers become somewhat of a turnoff and a target for belittlement. I feel it's a way of glorifiyng my ego and not recognizing the value of all steps along the journey, and at times it pains me because I thought I was past that point. Then again, maybe it's just part of the healing, getting ready for my next leg of the life journey that requires me to let go of many things that no longer fit on a scale much larger than suspected, and the realization that my mission in life is about to change so radically to a mix of paradigms based based on trust in the universe, less on plan and intellectualization.

And though that insight is not new, I do have to hammer it home to myself because I obviously am stuck with breaking through it...

It's not that I started becoming so rigid in my own paradigm that I exclude new ideas, I still believe I am open-minded, maybe moreso than ever. It's mostly that I get the sense that most ideas in youtube land have been largely rehashed and presented without much unique and novel spark of novelty. I feel I... expect more... And I think I largely get jealous when I see people explaining things as some sort of amazing new insight that I have been talking about ten years ago with amazing success in numbers and reach - oh there there, my ego again. Yes Pfiffi, good boy you get a treat for being extra awesome now please go to sleep... ;)

Pfiffi is the name I gave my ego when it throws a fit like today, just so you know.

But then the ego is part of the unveiling to see through and I think being faced with it in this way these days kinda hurts it. It is searching for the one path, the definite mission trail to follow but when I look at my passions, skills and deeds I instead find many paths - none of them being the major clear alley of my life, but like a maze almost, a confusing non-concentric parallel superhighway with streets going all sorts of ways all over the place and of which I have followed many for probably way too long without ever carving one into the one superhighway with clear direction. Or maybe I am ego juicing again and this is just a way of flattering myself in light of what I have actually accomplished...

What does that even mean Pfiffi? Why are you so pissed at people sharing what they found and being able to reach great success with it?

That's it, Pfiffi is missing the novelty. "I" find "I" have to let go more and more of listening to people trying to explain the world around us from viewpoints that I no longer find sufficient to entertain, instead of expecting that well of novelty to keep on giving. Like politicians representing the people, to name a painfully obvious and boring example at level 0.5.

It might sound arrogant, and I still have no idea what the truth is, but maybe it's that conviction I see in people who do explain things without reservation as if they were exactly like they say things are that I am reminded of myself when I first saw through some major lies of our society and wanted to shake people out of their slumber without any consideration for other people's... way of being and objections to my missionary activity. The kind of recklessness that seems a natural reaction to recognizing one has been lied to for decades by people who didn't know any better.

The only thing that really helps me with this currently is my floor experiences I'm glad to say. When the music is fu**** and there is dissonance between myself and the people around me, it's high time to walk somewhere else, switch floors, or go to bed, letting the day be the day and trying again tomorrow. Stop trying to make it work if it clearly doesn't. What that means in concrete I don't really know...

That all said, I still find merit in a few teachers of mine that are mostly either dead or rare in carving out their own view on things and walking their path in a straight line. Maybe that's what's paining me so much - still not having found that one path to follow and perfect, where things are kinda clear-cut. I know that is what ultimately inspires me the most, when I see some rare people out there doing that... not the half-assed rehash of ideas that may just turn out to be a set-up ruse anyway laid out for half-sart people to fall into.

I find my music is getting better and still I am battering my head against concrete walls with it to a degree that sucks the joy out of the process in a way that feels... stagnant and devoid of life. Oh Pfiffi come on!

Think I will look into a candle with a shroomie and clear my head - something is coming and my old tools are failing more and more which is probably a blessing and none of this rambling has any substance to it, just the growing pains with a hidden smile on my face that I want to pretend is totally not there and it's all serious. It's just that the letting-go process seems more painful than I thought it would be... again. Expectations have never served me especially well, but lately expectations of and about myself have really hit a nerve in my ego, ouch.

Maybe I am just ego-juicing and none of this is even worth pointing out., no idea really. Maybe you can tell me why you read all this?

I have this sensation that this may be some sort of time capsule, allowing me to look back in a few years and smiling at the point of transformation before the next major era in life. That's what it feels like anway, and why i wanted to write this incoherent mess down as best I could. For myself in the "future"

If writing is a therapy and a permission slip to let it rest with that now, I'll make use of that tool. Until I have to let go of that as well... Aww come on again, it will be ALRIGHT!

Ego-juicing like a champ here ;)

Time for some clearing of the head for sure. My heart feels great, spirit is alright too, just my mind keeps unraveling in this weird way further and further and I look at it with both pain and joy, excited to see where this will all lead to... But, I'd rather not expect anything, just getting with what's coming my way with faith in the grand scheme of things and the intelligence of the universe. At least that point has been thoroughly driven home to my ego already to where it no longer complains about it.

Just about all these other things that clearly need to happen against my ego's preference. Why do they need to happen?

Because they are happening.

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Edit: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND universe throws me Alan <3 <3
And I giggle at myself