How to Build Sacred Relationships - Part Three

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What Are Functional and Sacred Relationships?
"It's not just the number of friends you have, and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship, it's the quality of your close relationships that matters." Waldinger
Apart from love, which is an obvious and important component in any truly functional, close or intimate relationship, here are some very useful tips on how to strengthen your bond with your partner;

  • Values- make sure you can identify and define you personal core values and those of your partner, because when in alignment, this is the glue that keeps you together. When there is a mismatch of values, you will be challenged. Create a list of values and together figure out which are important to you individually and together.
  • Trust should be at the top of your list.
  • Support – without adopting the “Rescuer/Victim,” syndrome (A highly dysfunctional approach), one of the best values you can offer your partner is your support. Not doing it for them, or compromising your own integrity, but supporting their journey, vocation, interests, etc. That does not mean you have to give up your own desires in order to please your partner, but it does mean you allow them to pursue their interests unabated or within economic bounds. Note: This is where shared values come in to play and many couples clash at this point.
  • Equality – while for sure inequality has been present in the days-of-old relationships, the emerging modern approach is one steeped in equality. The idea that someone is better than another, more deserving or more superior, stems from the ego-mind and is simply not true. We may be different, but no one is better than another. So celebrate your differences within your relationship, contribute evenly wherever possible, share, be kind and enjoy the results of your equality.
  • Non-Judgemental – once again, the ego-mind comes into play here. Remember when your relationship was brand new and very exciting. Nothing your partner could do was disturbing, we put each other up on the pedestal, only to find when the “Honeymoon Period” has passed and judgement creeps in, it quickly erodes away our relationship. If you find yourself judging the one you love, replace that judgement with gratitude or appreciation. Find somethings you are grateful or appreciative about your partner and watch that judgement disappear in around 15 seconds!!
  • Accept that your partner cannot fulfil 100% of your needs, 100% of the time – unless they are superhuman! There will be times when you need to seek the company of your family or others to satisfy some of your needs (Without compromising your values or integrity of course). This is normal, functional and when kept in balance through shared agreement, can uplift a relationship no end.
  • Maintenance – just like our motorcars, homes and physical belonging need a little TLC and maintenance sometimes so do our relationships. Agree to be adventurous, without violating each other’s boundaries, go to places beyond your comfort zone, seek new experiences, hobbies, interests, cultures, food, clothing furniture, ad infinitum. In short, do something different together.
  • Love –What is this thing called love? We pine when it is not there, we float in it when it is, we get upset and longing when it is taken away and we rise to the heights of euphoria when it appears in our lives. Songs, poetry, novels, self-help books, tapes and movies have given us a hint of this delicious thing called love, but it eludes most of us to define, or find it and make it last. I am going to throw a spanner in the works here by quoting a definition that resonates deeply within me –

“Love is the highest form of intelligence” James Mahu

How love is expressed is manifold, but there are six definitive values emanating from the heart, which when practiced and applied, equate to acts of love for oneself and others, in fact for everything:

  • Appreciation - being grateful of appreciative about everything in your life, whether it is so-called “good” or “bad” is an act of love, which tells us, you are, or have enough
  • Compassion - Seeing the other person (or yourself) and their/your struggles, while having empathy for them or yourself
  • Understanding – Learning the anatomy of understanding and the three primary aspects that lead to understanding yourself and others, along with a subject or physical equipment that we may be learning to use.
  • Forgiveness – One of the major routes into the heart is through the path of forgiveness, the process of letting go and freeing yourself of any resentment, judgement or upset
  • Humility – out with bravado, egocentricity and loudness, and in with quietly and purposefully getting on with your life. Practicing the quality of being humble can lead us deeper into our hearts
  • Valour – Loosely defined as courageousness or bravery, is the practice of seeking the warrior within. Not the warrior of aggression or war, but the spiritual warrior of the heart.
    We could go on and mention literally thousands of ideas to keep a relationship alive, but do you know what?

You are best equipped to know your partner, yours and their needs, what you value, what makes you happy and what makes them happy.

I wish you well in your pursuit of meaningful and quality relationships, in all that you do.
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Just remember to practice!
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