Guest Author Series :: A Mental Illness That Actually Helps A Relationship? :: Celinka @binkyprod
Complex Post-Traumatic what? Complex complex complex. I have a complex of complexities, and it prevents me from functioning normally in every day life. It’s complicated. Sometimes it petrifies me and I can’t move, sometimes I curl up and cry all day, sometimes it throws a wrench in my relationship, and it’s as difficult to live with for me as it is tough to deal with for my husband. We’ve had to learn to communicate with each other in non-violent ways, and it’s helped us talk through emotional flashbacks, analyse triggers, it’s helped me express what I need without regretting anything I’ve said, and helped my husband understand what I go through every day without freaking out.
Let’s begin with the basics. What is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)? Here is my very own definition of PTSD that you can also find on my website: PTSD is a manic and obsessive debilitating effect of trauma, causing one to be in a constant state of reaction from a past traumatic experience. It includes intrusive flashbacks of the trauma from simple ”triggers” such as intonation, words, phrasing, emotions, dreams, etc, and this occurs often and continuously if the mind doesn’t protect itself from things that can remind it of the trauma. The triggers will occur at random and cannot necessarily be foreseen. So then the mind creates avoidance patterns as a protection in order not to think about the trauma. Panic symptoms (feeling panicky as much as a downright panic attack) can occur when one undergoes physiological stimuli to traumatic cues. A trauma, such as abuse, can make the victim feel ”shattered” inside, or even defeated and powerless. The victim will then develop the assumption that they are too vulnerable, feel little personal worth, and will pretty much feel that life is not fair. They may develop fears or phobias to constantly check their environment and monitor others to make sure that everything is safe and that they are not being, or going to be, mistreated. Some of the most common symptoms of PTSD are anxiety, panic-attacks, outbursts of rage (also known as a rage-attack), chronic depression, borderline disorder, self-punishment and social withdrawal.
So what’s the difference between C-PTSD and PTSD? Today people refer to PTSD for trauma caused by war and accidents, whereas C-PTSD is trauma caused by abuse, and other mental and emotional traumas. Mine is caused by abuse: verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual, mind-control and brainwash, all caused by the same psychopath and narcissist.
For a long time my self-worth was really low and I didn’t think I would ever find the relationship I desired, especially not after having been brainwashed that I was undeserving of having one man be devoted and committed to only me. When I found that man, it was crucial to me for us to be completely honest with each other. We didn’t know how bad it was going to get, but we knew that my C-PTSD symptoms were beginning to worsen and that it was going to get a lot worse before it got better.
What helped both of us through the process of discovering, exploring, analysing and healing, was the use of NVC, which is Non-Violent Communication. There are tricks to how to communicate non-violently and it’s really not as straight-forward and easy as it sounds. In the heat of an emotional flashback, when he says something that triggers me, and all I want to do is let out my rage, the last thing to do is to communicate violently. I worked hard to identify these triggers and flashbacks and to express them as such, and he worked hard to express his reactions and responses in a way that would not fuel the trigger, but reassure me instead and help me climb back up the Emotional Scale. Today, I can let out my rage more constructively, and we can bounce around analytical ideas and thoughts in order to understand what I lived in the past.
All this analysis of my mental illness has also allowed me to understand my cycle better. My cycle lasts 26 days: I have 10 days of pre, about 5 days of menstruation, about 5 days of post, and 5 to 7 days of safe zone. Having anxiety and a burnout on top of C-PTSD kind of limits what I can do sometimes, but knowing where I am in my cycle, I can determine whether I can handle a big crowd better than in other times of my cycle. When I’m “on the verge” (a day or two right before I start my period) I usually avoid everything and almost everyone. Healing anxiety allows me to expand my capacity to do more when not in the safe zone of my cycle, thus allowing me to tackle and explore traumas more easily.
Isn’t it strange how C-PTSD, such a terrible illness, can also be such a wonderful guide and aid? It also allowed my husband and me to be so honest with each other, that when we have arguments unrelated to flashbacks, genuine couple’s arguments, we apply the same principle for communicating and analysing. There are a few ways that living with C-PTSD has actually helped improve our relationship, some in more odd ways than others, which I will get into another time.
The main thing that being open with my husband helped me to do was being honest with myself and being able to let it all out. I used to be so scared and so ashamed about what happened to me. People who know me know that I have no filter, I go into TMI territory (Too Much Information), but this was a topic I could not get into. However, after opening up and seeing the understanding and love of one person, I started talking about it to more people. Today there are still a few details I’m not yet ready to talk about, but the filter is pretty much gone, and that’s why I’m going to save some topics for another post, because I could go on and on, and Steemit would overload with TMI.
My Definition of PTSD reference: https://binkyproductions.com/binkyink/healingthroughhumour/
Article by @binkyprod (Celinka Serre) - Images are from Pexels.com.
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This post took my breath away. Thank you for sharing your story with us all. @binkyprod Defining & clearly stating the differences helped me immensely understanding your post. Have a large group of people in my life who have PTSD & C-PTSD. My head & heart go out to everyone who are faced with this in their lives.
There mere fact that you have your cycle down to the days is mind blowing. You are able to recognize the situation & to move forward is astounding. You message will help so many people. Thank you. Thank you to @museproject for having this platform. Have a wonderful & blessed day all.
Thank you! :) It was actually less complicated to figure out my response to situations at different times in my cycle than it was to figure out the traumas that needed to be healed. But I think the cycle part helped me get there ;)
Oh, oh, oh! What a brilliant post @binkyprod. It reminds me a lot of me and my partner who both suspect we are both on the C-PTSD scale.
What I love about this is how much love and understanding is shown by what is being hidden. To navigate communication and know how many rocks and rapids you're avoiding crashing into by what you're not doing ... its pretty cool.
And I'm so glad to have come across you, @museproject. Squee!
Thank you. The "not doing" is indeed as important as the doing part. Silent treatment, name-calling, rage talking doesn't help anyone. What's funny is that when I feel I need to rage talk, I go walking and mumble to myself. Then after, I'm all like "My love, I'm so sorry about the things I said while I was walking." But since we're both calmer by this time, he's like "it's ok". Sometimes I tell him what it was I was saying and it doesn't upset him. Because it's different to say that I said this or that and feel bad about it. Knowing our boundaries and when we need some "alone time to vent to ourselves" is important. It allows us to assess the situation at hand and to better appreciate each other afterwards without hurting each other in the process of those emotions being let out.
Really thanks for sharing your experience with us and it's really unfortunate to hear about your trauma, genuinely speaking i can imagine from what tough phases you have faced. But the greatest thing is, you've never hided it, you are honest towards your issue and that's why you and your husband followed right path to make it good, and literally speaking, an perfect relationship is not an relationship who always having great and happy moments, but an perfect relationship comes out when both of you go from tough time but still you are moving ahead with same passion. Stay blessed both of you and i wish and pray for you and husband's goodness. Wishing you an great day. 🙂
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Welcome and thank you. 🙂
@binkyprod. What a blessing it is to have you write for the @museproject. Not only are you our first guest author, you really tuned into and shared something of great value. I feel many people will benefit from your writing.
I find it awesome that you have been able to identify how you are affected by your cycle, and that you have chosen to better your relationship through your efforts. There is a lot of healing that can be had through love. Thank you for being so vulnerable. From what I hear, identifying the trauma, talking about it and releasing it is indeed healing.
My wasband was diagnosed with PTSD, and though his did not really show up much until closer to the end of our marriage, I can somewhat relate to what you're going through.
Thank you!
I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out with your late husband. Was he a veteran of war, or a survivor of abuse, if I may ask?
It's all good...we're still friends. He was a veteran of war.
Cool. I'm glad you were able to retain a good relationship. It's nice when you can part ways on good terms with someone.
Agreed. It's better for us, for the kids, and for everyone in general.
Congratulations on being our FIRST guest author on The @museproject, @binkyprod! And this is such a beautiful article to have on our channel. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
Thank you for having me! 😊
Yaaay!!! Aww this is so exciting @binkyprod!
I can’t wait to come back and read the article later tonight. Just from glancing at it, I can tell you’re really poured your heart out and I commend you for being so brave. ♥️
Thank you. That means a lot.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD a year ago, because of a traumatic experience 12 years ago. So basically, I was struggling for years, being confused what the hell was happening to me, as my mind would also protect me by forgetting details of that particular event. Now that I know I have PTSD, I still get confused from time to time because I noticed I get triggered all of a sudden in a particular day of the month. I didn't know that a menstrual cycle can have an effect to this, maybe I need to check myself from time to time for me to be able to at least prepare myself when it comes.. Thank you for sharing your experience cos I learned something! I am grateful you already found the man who's understanding and caring. Stay strong! @binkyprod
Thank you.
Yes, forgetfulness in regards to details or downright full days during the time of trauma is normal. I didn't always have the words to explain what was happening to me either. The knowledge is so empowering because it helps the healing.
There were moments I had lived that I had completely forgotten. Just the other day, something happened, my hair got caught, I felt it pull, and it triggered me. Then I remembered something I had completely forgotten, me literally pulling my hair out in response to something the abuser had done, at his apartment, and I had pulled so much hair out. My thought after the initial remembered thought was "I'd love to have that hair on my head right now considering I'm still shedding more than is normal." It's amazing how there are still things I remember now that my brain had cast aside.
What has helped me to bring forward memories I was ready and capable of dealing with, gently, without forcing the memory triggers, is EFT tapping therapy. Progress is really gradual and I wish I had started a lot sooner than I did, but it makes remembering and dealing with the emotions from the past trauma a lot more ... what's the word... less of a struggle and more of a relief.