Sex and Freedom in Relationships
Part of the freedom to be who you are in a relationship includes how you choose to interact with others. This includes the freedom to be feel how you feel, be attracted to others and act or not act in a way that you see fit and agree upon with your partner.
The idea that one is NOT ALLOWED express affection or physical connection with others in order to remain loyal seems silly to me as someone who truly values freedom. Still I can appreciate where it comes from and respect the idea of fidelity so long as it comes from love rather than fear. Respect and trust is important, but demanding it through conditions is counterproductive. If we demand that others do not engage in any kind of intimacy with others, and allow them to demand the same, we may be hurting ourselves and our partner in the process.
Honesty is paramount, not only honesty with our partners, but honesty with ourselves. If we allow ourselves to be honest, we may find things we don’t want to deal with, but suppressing these desires will likely lead to more complicated conflicting desires. Acting on our desires does not always mean physically acting on them. Sometimes it simply means admitting them to ourselves. Sometimes it means admitting them to our partner. If two partners or a group of friends build a culture where such honesty is permitted, they will find it liberating and if they don’t let their egos get the best of them, they can use this honesty to build even deeper relationships with their partners.
You will often find that such a level of honesty will allow you to understand yourself and your partner better. Attraction is natural but a strong compulsion to act upon every desire may be indicative of some emotional baggage, some wounds that need healing. These wounds can not heal unless we acknowledge their symptoms.
In my own case, I find that my attraction to so many people is influenced by a feeling of rejection that I grew up focused upon. I have been able to translate this feeling of attraction into a healthy expression of wanting to bring others up and to create bonds of understanding, rather than the perversion it used to be. I no longer feel any compulsion to act upon all attraction that I feel, and freedom in my relationship has been an essential part of that growth.
I personally find the healthiest kinds of relationships to be “open relationships” which is never fully explored, an agreement that both parties are free to do what they want, but one where trust and mutual support is prioritized. Two partners can agree to speak about any deep desires to explore other relationships either physical or emotional before anyone pursues them and both can express a wariness about the other exploring these freedoms. So they are giving each other freedom but by expressing fully how neither are eager to see the other go out and play around, they discourage such behavior without forbidding it. Both partners can express that we probably will not act upon any desires unless those desires persist for a very long time, upon which they will first discuss them because they do not wish to compromise the relationship over impulses.
I talk about this kind of thing with my partner once every few months in order to confirm that we are both on the same page and know what’s going on with each other. We’ve admitted attraction to others and given each other freedom to explore that and neither of us has taken advantage of because so far, nothing has been worth putting our bond of trust at risk. It’s actually quite a nice set up. When someone gives you the freedom to sleep around but then doesn’t take that freedom themselves, you have a stronger desire to satisfy them in every way and protect that bond of trust at all costs.
It may not always be this simple, but I think as long as the relationship is truly valued by both people, there is a way to protect it while also acting of your own free will.
This is by no means a judgement on people who don’t have the same ideal for a relationship, merely something to think about and consider as an ideal worth striving for. We grow up immersed in our respective cultures and so this kind of relationship may be difficult for some to imagine, so for you this is merely a window to look into and understand another way of thinking about relationships.
I think eventually people in general will start to become more liberal in the sense you are describing.
Our lives today consists in a level of interaction that we didn't have before, and everyone is constantly meeting new people and sure enough, some of those new people will be very attractive.
The tendency for me is clear and as time pass having open relationships will become more popular, and who knows, maybe because of this the divorce rate might start to get lower.
I still think many people are too opportunistic and we aren’t ready as a species, but I do think we need to start trying to step it up and give each other more freedom, or at least to try.
I really want to emphasize the idea that we don’t need to act on all impulses and using our own judgement and self-control is more valuable than feeling we MUST not act. It’s the same as something like self voting. We could all do it 10 times a day but then we wouldn’t have an awesome platform. Because we have this freedom, we can actually see more accurately how people really are and give our support in a more informed way. I hope I’m illustrating the similarity well here.
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This is one of those areas where there is more than one path, and not all of them are good, or honest, or beneficial.
Of course the open relationship has more and more adherents as communities in general have more abundance and necessities require less labor. It also seems more appropriate as man starts living longer. Being with one person seems doable when its only 40 years. It seems silly at 100 years.
However, an open relationship model does not allow for deep, intimate relationships. You just don't have the time, nor the desire to plumb the depths of one person when you split your focus.
Also, there is the thoughts of raising a family. Men want to fuck. Women want to have babies. The problem comes about when a woman wants an open relationship and babies. This destroys children like nothing else. The prisons are full of children of single mothers. So, if you want to have children, you need a stable relationship to bring them into.
So, i really don't know if one path is better than any other. But, i do feel that society had better get its act together... for the children.
I see what you’re saying. Could it be that fidelity is the way we’ve been conditioned to live. Movies tell us what we want in relationships, tv sways our opinion too. Culturally there are vast differences of what is acceptable and not acceptable as well. Perhaps we’ve been taught to be insecure. Maybe it’s a human thing too, how many species are solely attached to one life mate, not many. I’m not judging either or, it’s just interesting to step back and see it on a larger scale. I agree with your view on openness to create stronger bonds rather than ruling the relationship by rules and fear.
I am gonna bookmark this. My future wife needs to read this.
Hmmmmm, this is powerful it's really timely, but with my own partner, i made her understand what my heart feels like when i cant relate deeply with people, and these people really found me lively and comfortable to be with, i told my love, Just trust me, i cant betray you and she agreed. But, not every lady would want her man to spend time with other ladies.
Fidelity is great but I don’t think it should be the most essential aspect of relationships. Deep trust and unconditional love is my goal in a relationship, and fidelity can help that or it could hurt that, every situation is different.