OBSERVATIONS OF A FOOL: HOW TO UNF**K YOURSELF

in #steemit6 years ago (edited)

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Today I hit the golden mark of 500 followers. Whoopee!! Someday in the not-to-distant future I hope to look back upon this milestone and smile indulgently at myself and say something like: "Dang! I remember that. And I thought 500 was a big deal. Now that I have 5,000 followers I see that it was just a beginning". (Wouldn't that be nice?)

Anyway, how to celebrate such an accomplishment? I thought about thanking everyone, but then I thought "meh...too much work'. Then I thought of writing a serious post sharing my secrets of success, and that too got discarded very rapidly especially since I have no secrets to success. And then as I was looking at my blog page and really enjoying the number of followers "502" I saw one of them drop off! Now it was "501". "Crap" says I to myself, "I hope this isn't a trend, better get writing before anyone else drops me". And then I thought of my former "dearly beloved" who now is a good friend, and that gave me a moment of inspiration. I mean she came to the slow realization over the years that I was, using an old English idiom from the 1300's, fucked up. Well, "Wouldn't she be impressed", I says to myself, " to see me with 500 followers? "
So I sent her a text telling her of my accomplishment. Her response: Meh? That's nice.

Well!! So that got me to thinking. How could I have made such a reversal from being "fucked up" to such an overwhelming vote of confidence in her response to me of "That's nice." I mean don't you see how far I've come? Some men climb Mt. Everest, I've reached my pinnacle of success in 500 followers! But to answer the question: How did I unfuck myself to be able to come to such a celebratory moment as this? 'Now I have something to write about', says I to myself. So here goes.

I recall very clearly how screwed up my former dearly beloved was. You'll notice I used the more friendly term "screwed up". You have to understand there is the remote chance of her, my FDB, reading this and she definitely does not go in for cursing. Which is fine with me, but she does know kick boxing and had this vicious kick she perfected on me... well, I won't go into that! Anyway years ago I finally convinced her to see a shrink. After each of her weekly sessions I'd greet her when she got home with a patronizing tone and question, "Well what did you learn today?" It gave me a great sense of pride knowing that I was helping her unravel her... umm... challenging life by asking these piercing questions. And then on the day of her 3rd session she came home and I greeted her with the same question. She looked me in the eyes and said, " I learned today that fcked up people marry fcked up people." Well my lips puckered up like I kissed a lemon and I squeezed these words out, "Oh, you did, did you?" "Yes, I did", she responded, looking like the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland.

And that was the beginning. Really. No kidding. A couple of weeks later I found myself weeping on the desk of a counselor when I discovered my FDB was right. It was not too long after that that I went to my first "mens group" session. These were recovering drug addicts and alcoholics. The problem was I never drank or used drugs. But I f*cking fit right in! Truly, I did. Great group of men by the way.

It wasn't too long after that that my dearly beloved and her counselor encouraged me to find a 12 Step program and sign up. Permanently. You know, get the "Lifetime" membership tag. So, in an effort to save myself and my marriage I went to AA. But it didn't work. I mean it's rather dumb to stand up when its your turn and say, "Hi, my name is Chris, and I'm NOT an alcoholic." Really, I'm not kidding you I did this. So I tried Gamblers Anonymous (a big one here in Nevada). Same result. Then I tried Codependents Anonymous", that worked a bit better but they were all women so I felt funny. (Actually that's true too.)

So I came up with the great idea: I'll start my own Anonymous group. I'll call it Fcked Up Anonymous. Well, I recruited some friends for the first meeting to be held in my living room. I told them how, after someone stands and introduces themself, they say, "Hi, Bob, or Chris or John". So I got up and said, "My name is Chris and I'm fcked up." Well the response was overwhelming. It was like going to a Holy Roller church meeting. The men in the room jumped up and said things like: "Hallelujah!", "AMEN Brother!", "YES! his eyes have been opened." And my favorite, coming from the kitchen my FDB started singing, "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord....". Well, to make a long story short, the idea of FUA didn't work too well.

So how did I unf*ck myself? Seriously now. How did I do it? The answer is, I didn't. No, no, I said be serious. OK. Now I'm serious. Really. You can trust me. Well here are the main points:

  • I started walking. Every day. With the dogs. I don't know how many thousands of miles I have walked but many thousands. That's probably what contributed to my sanity the most. And over the course of 30 years of walking I've worn out a fair share of boots, a few dogs and most importantly worked out my self loathing, my fears, my anger, my suffering.

  • I read dozens and dozens of self help books. I could have started my own book store I think.

  • I did admit to God and myself that I was f*cked up and couldn't unfuck myself and turned my life over to God as I understood Him. I'm no longer a religious person, but I have found great comfort in a higher power.

  • I moved to another state, changed my name and started over. No not really. Though that seemed like a good idea. But I realized that every morning when I got up and looked myself in the mirror I would still be looking back. In other words, I became responsible for myself. I must do the work. It was up to me if I wanted a decent life.

The process of making sense of ones life and getting clear is usually a pretty challenging job. At least that's what I found. And it takes time. For me it's been 30 years. And I'm still working on it. However, the journey has been an exceptional one. I've come to realize that it is the journey and not so much the destination that is important.

And where am I now in my journey? I can honestly look in the mirror and say, "I love you." I can also look at other people and say, "I love you." To tell you the truth 30 years ago I could not say either one and mean it. I recall about 18 years ago when all my kids were home for Christmas and I had this overwhelming moment of pure love come over me for them. It was, for me, a remarkable experience. A gift from God.
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IN CONCLUSION

So having 500 followers is a rather remarkable thing for me. Something I truly am grateful for. This was not always something I could have done, or even would have wanted. But now I find joy in it. But most of all I find great joy in Loving many people I have met here on Steemit. And of course, you know I have not arrived. There are yet many miles to walk with the dogs. Many miles. But you know, now it's me, God, and the dogs. I suppose it was that way all along. I just didn't know it.

Blessings,

Mistermercury

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And i just added to your big list of followers lol or stalkers i should say haha.. 507 thats my number.. i found @wwf s list and have seen u pop in now and then didnt know u were in the group lol now i know. 🌺

Yes, don't be fooled. He lives in upper Alberta and has already booked a flight to come teach you about Steemit. KIdding. but maybe it was some subconscious thing on his part to be in Hawaii. Or, does my memory serve me right and you are now in... Callifornia? Anyway, good to see you!

Im in Florida now lol

I couldn't believe either when I reached 500 but then I treated each hundred as a milestone because I was not really talented, I didn't write epic posts, I did not create unique travel posts or cooked exotic meals, I did not have awesome adventures.

It was just me and often my memories that I shared or the experiences I had in Steemit.

You took a very innovative way of writing your celebration and we tend to think of ourselves as great fuck ups indeed.

I maybe one of the biggest and like you I walked a thousand miles, read self help books, at one point tried to kill myself ( 2 times actually) gotten hold of a shrink and been in those help groups saying "Hi I am Mave and I am clinically depressed and suicidal"
Then I found writing and that helped. I joining the semi colon project and did charity works. So that I may share my life that twice I almost ended.

I am still not okay but at least I don't think of ending it most days because I am too busy seeing awesome Steemians change their lives and the life of others.

Those are hard roads to travel. I've been down them myself. Like you, I'm grateful to have found something that I do enjoy and that gives me hope for a brighter future.

I commend you for doing so well for a person who is "not really talented". So you must have done something else. Perhaps it was your persistence and determination. Those things really are much more indicative of success than talent or skill. Lots of brilliant failures out there. Blessings.

I've thought a few times about what I'll do at 500 followers. Obligatory advice post? Re-introduceyourself post? This seems like a particularly innovative approach, I must say.

I hope you enjoyed. The F word is so adaptive, flexible, and meaningful. I don't know of another english word with such versatility. Blessings.

I read this a few days ago but didn't have time to reply. I see you've picked up a few more followers since then! Congrats! I'm not too far behind you, but to tell the truth, I don't watch the followers too much... the noobs hit me everytime I post something then drop off when they discover I won't follow vote beggars and poor to little content providers. I've been climbing the (57) reputation for so long I'll celebrate when I get to (60), if ever!
Another post of wisdom right here by my good friend @mistermercury!

Good to see you @beekerst. Don't tell me the difficulty in rising in reputation continues to get more challenging! Anyway, yeah, I know only a handful of my "followers" are actually following. But for some reason it gives one a charge. I'd really like to see my steem power go up. THAT would be great.

Great post and glad that you found both your personal and Steemit path; sounds like success all round.

Thanks @mirriek. I hope you have a great week. Blessings.

Could just be too that you came across me and another 500 people more fucked up than yourself. Just sayin.

I have always had a love in my heart, but it became guarded as a child. A few years ago as I was regrouping my shit once again, I was working out in the desert. I had this crazy epiphany moment where I felt connected to all the cactus and such (no drugs involved) and it hit me that I have to forgive. Still working on that, but was a powerful moment in my life.

People who have been there attract others who have been there or have come close enough to recognize what being there looks like. As always, appreciate your posts. Perhaps enough glimpses at being there in your descriptions will be the last straw I need to finally go that final distance.

Thanks. It's a good thing the voting slider doesn't reflect our fuckedupness. I'd be getting about 10% votes! Yes, those moments out in the desert change us don't they. The Cosmos is so much more complex than we thought.

This is the best post on celebrating followers that I've seen. If I ever get up there, I don't think I will publicly celebrate. Just not my style. I will joyous stare at the screen for a few minutes...or maybe an hour. But who knows, maybe the joy will overwhelm me and I will be inspired to write something like this.

I think we could all do with a trip to FUA once every six months or so. I too walk my dogs to unf*ck myself.

Thanks for the kind comment. Hell, you'll be blazing past 500 pretty soon I suspect. Many blessings.

I like your honest writing my man, and congrats on your growing steemit family. I'm grateful that I also realized how funked up I was, and after about a decade of un funking it's not such a big deal anymore (kinda rough at the start though). I guess the thing is, you did it! Alot of us don't get started because we don't want to admit that we funked up, and put ourselves in this position to begin with. Consciousness looking back at unconsciousness or some such, I guess that is where all these practices of forgiveness and acceptance come in.

Greetings @phillyc. Thanks for the congrats. I fully expect to see you romp past me in a blaze. Many blessings.

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Congrats on your 500 followers and your journey to unfudge yourself is somewhat relatable.

Thank you for the congrats. Many blessings.

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