WELCOME TO STEEMIT | COMEDY OPEN MIC ROUND 13

_{Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash.}

Hi there newbie, welcome to steemit. You feeling excited right. You have had to wait for two weeks before you were approved, right? No? A month? Wow! You felt like you were applying for a loan at a bank, yes? But now you feel wonderful, you are finally in.

Well welcome and don't worry about the picture, I was just playing with you. I just wanted to see how well the platform was marketed to you.

I know you were told you would be making money every day for the rest of your life? They were correct, you will be making money everyday for as long as steemit and the steem blockchain is functioning.

Did you calculate how long it would take before you buy a piece of land and build your own house? You didn't? Oh I did it on a piece of paper; six months was my answer. I bought a bag of cement last month. Yes, slow and steady wins the race now. So you know it's not a get rich quick scheme. You come with a tent, matches, army rations and be prepared to dig in for the long term.

So do not expect millions all at once. I would say look on it as buying shares in a business. Invest the time and money. The future is bright. Oh my God, I am advertising for free!

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Steemit is an awesome place to be. You will learn new skills, meet new people, read awesome content and make money doing it.

Hope you started working on your introduction post? Don't forget to use the right tags and pictures too. Take lovely pictures of yourself and smile please. It's not a photograph for a job application no matter what you have been told. You will get great interaction if you do that first post well.

I know you had 5000 followers on facebook and now you have three; @a, @aa and @aa00. Don't worry, more will come and pretty soon you will stop counting or even caring. Once you show that you have quality and original content to share, the followers will come in droves

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When you make your first post and you see these names; @hr1, @mustard, @candyman, @naijaboost, etc upvoting you, don't get too excited. They are mostly ghostly steemians; like ancestral spirits. Do not bother following them. I tried it and I discovered that they do not post or comment on posts. Just pay your tithes and say your prayers and they just may come visit and leave something in your stocking. Yes everyday is Christmas.

Oh, when you start using steemnow.com, and decide to read @penguinpablo's post, keep the chatter to the barest minimum, he does not talk much. I think he is an introvert; quite intelligent and shy. You like shy guys? My friend go and write a post. You will find that most of the whales are shy. There are extrovert whales though, you just have to find them. 😂

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_{Photo by Artem Bali on Unsplash.}

Do you have @ginabot on discord. You should get that app as soon as possible. Discord is the noisiest place on steemit. There is lots of friendliness there, connections and robots too. You will get along just fine as a human being.

There are also good folks out there. When you see and meet with them, cherish them, love them and assist them as they go about sharing good cheer. I am serious about this. I have seen steemians come together to assist one another. In fact, community and interaction is valued above content. When in need, there are always awesome persons willing to listen and assist; always.

Some persons who though have not made much in the platform, have made it their job to help newbies like you and those in need. I can give you four names out my head now; @mitneb, @davemccoy, @bashadow, @amariespeaks. These are no whales or wealthy steemians but they do awesome work here for free. You too can be like them. Doing good is its own reward, you know? Yet, in steemit, doing good is worth more.

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There are bidding butts, sorry bidbots hiding somewhere around. You know those butts, (a slip of tongue, I promise) with implants and silicone valley representatives? Well they are here too. No they have left Botched a long time ago. Yes, lots of steemians wear these new butts and it attracts lots of flies too. No I do not use bid butts. I like my butt flat, just the way the universe made it. If you use bid butts, there is nothing I can do except watch you make money from raping at the pool. Why would you rape at the pool? What effontery! You are not a rapist, are you? Because I am not a vouyer and I do not support bidding your butts shamelessly at the swimming pool; it's disgusting.

You are lucky, the phishermen seem to be on a break. You would not believe the mess some weeks ago. Oh yes, the sea was turbulent, I tell you. They stole bidded butts wallets and no-bidbutts wallets, unawarebutts wallets, reclusive butts wallets and all sorts of butts and wallets dry. They have been contained now but always keep your keys safe and faraway from your internet connection. If you have a Nokia 3310, you can copy it into it. Do not give it to your cat or dog; everybody wants to get on steemit and these animals want in too.

What do you write on? Don't write poetry, if you do not know how to. I am tired of reading prose in stanzas. Write what you know, or on what you can do even when you are high on some form of mushroom. You can write on your regular life etc. Anything can be worth something here, if well written.

I think I have forgotten some things. I am feeling sleepy. Okay, pace yourself. Don't overextend yourself and only to find yourself in rehab. Oh you were not told that steemit is addictive? Yes it is crack on the blockchain. Take it easy and rest.

I have to go, I have not posted today. I might get flagged (down voted) for this post. Yes there is flagging when you use hate speech, copy and paste, use my handsome picture without attribution, spam comments, don't kiss ass properly, post trash posts like this one, drink and post in Swahili, beg me for an upvote, or fall into the radar of a whale who had fought with his wife over who should hold the TV remote. Yes, it is true, so watch out.

_{Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash.}

When you join any community on discord, contribute your own quota to their growth; from delegation, to curation trail, to tutorials, to active chatting, to upvoting community posts. Let your presence be felt.

Follow only blogs you love to read, no matter how small their reputation. They will be big tomorrow and will not forget their little beginnings. Besides you will have fun.

What have I missed? Nothing, I think. My battery is low and mosquitoes are chewing my toes. I have got to go to bed. Good night and once again welcome to steemit.