Why does my child lie?

It can be very upsetting if your child lies to you, and a parent will sometimes question themselves and their parenting skills, but before you react you need to understand the development of a child concerning understanding what the truth and a lie is.

                   

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• Children under the age of three do not understand that they are telling a lie.  They are starting to learn that people cannot read your mind, so they like to tell stories that can maybe be interpreted as lying.
• Children in the early years of school will try and please their parents and will not always come out with the truth.  They want to "do the right thing" and are scared their parents will be angry or upset and this can motivate them to lie.  
• By 8 or 9 years of age the child may have a good understanding of truth and fantasy.
• At the age of 9 or 10, the child's sense of right and wrong will be developed.

Telling the truth is something that children learn over the years, not something they are born with, so it can be reinforced by the parents.

Reasons why children may lie

                                              

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• they are not old enough to understand the difference between truth and a lie or imagination 
• they are scared of punishment or are scared they will loose their parent's love and understanding
• they have a low self esteem and by lying they can make themselves sound better and believe that more people will like them
• peer pressure or they want to impress their friends 
• they start believing themselves and have difficulty determining  what is a lie and what is the truth, so they just keep on doing it
• they can be copying their parents - even though the parents tell them every day that lying is not right, the child hears the parents telling lies
• they can also say things which they wish were true, especially if they are feeling neglected by one of their parents or they do not have everything their friends have
• older children and teenagers will lie because they have a fear to be punished or prohibited to do something or they have a need to keep some parts of their lives private and do not want their parents to know everything

Sometimes we teach our children that it is OK to tell a "white lie", especially if you want to make sure you do not hurt somebody's feelings.  Thank you for the lovely present, even if you do not like it and refraining from using words such as hate and ugly and fat are often seen as white lies and most of the time the end justifies the means.

It takes children a long time to understand the difference between lying to be kind and lying for other reasons.  It is a good idea to teach your child that they can still be truthful without hurting people's feelings.

What can you as a parent do to help your child to stop lying?

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• teach your child why it is important to tell the truth - let them understand that people do not trust liars and eventually people will stop listening if you keep on telling lies
• teach younger kids the difference between making up a story and telling the truth - if they have told you a "story". you can tell them That is really a good story that you made up.
• if your child is afraid of getting in trouble or loosing your affection, talk to them about facing consequences, but re-assure them that it will not change your love for them
• try not to accuse your child if accidents happen or be mad because of it - instead of going of and shouting You broke the glass, you can rather say something like That is OK, it was an accident, you just need to help clean it up before somebody gets hurt.
• if your child is telling lies about things he wishes was true, talk to him about what bothers him and let him understand why he cannot have something or that things do not always work out the way you want it to
• give your teenager a little more privacy and trust that you have taught them right from wrong.  Ask what you need to know to protect them, but do not try and pry the whole time and want to know every single detail about their lives
• do not break promises that you made to your child.  Your child will see this as lying and will start following your example.  If you really cannot keep a promise, be open and honest about it.

If your child tells you the truth, thank them and encourage them to do it again and then calmly sort out the problem.  Children also need to understand that there are consequences for lying.

Do not label your child as a liar, because children who are labeled tend to be encouraged to carry on with the behaviour that you do not want.

If your child keeps on lying to you, even if you are having an open and honest relationship with them, you will have to seek counselling. 

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