Star children - when parents have to say goodbye before life begins

Star children - when parents have to say goodbye before life begins

Children who are born and die before they are able to live are called star-children. This affectionate term focuses on the child, not death. Parents thereby at least a little easier the loss of the child by a miscarriage or stillbirth.

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A miscarriage is certainly the worst nightmare that expectant parents can imagine. Often there is not even a clear reason for it. In early pregnancy, medicine considers abortion as little unusual - many things can go wrong with the implantation of the fertilized egg. Most of these very early miscarriages are not noticed by women. Thereafter, the risk of miscarriage is about 20%. The statistics, however, help affected parents little: The loss of a child is painful and it is often not easy to process this.

The loving treatment of the death of a child

The term star child has established itself in Germany about 10 years ago - through the petition of an affected couple. Until 2013, stillborn children with a birth weight of less than 500 grams were miscarriages and, for example, could not be recorded as a child at the registry office. The children simply did not exist and could not be buried regularly. Although the children are now in the studbook, they are still not recorded in the civil status register today. However, a certified certificate of birth may be issued upon request. For parents, this is a small but often crucial step in processing. The child will not forget.

How can parents deal with grief?

One thing parents should not do is ignore the sad event. Not living mourning affects the whole life - even of the other family members and the living children. In order to deal with the grief, it helps a lot to see the baby. This is possible unlike earlier today. There are concrete memories of their time together, no matter how brief. Many parents take the opportunity to take pictures of themselves and the star child, they keep a lock of hair or a handprint as a reminder.

Very important is the way the parents deal with each other. In addition to grief, feelings of guilt often play a role, especially among the mothers. Men often want to make sure "everything gets better" and life goes on. They want to be strong and suppress their grief in order to be there for their partner. Unfortunately, this good intention often results in the opposite: The mother feels left alone, it comes to a distance that is a major test of strain for the partnership and the whole family.

Also helpful is the contact with other stakeholders. In the meantime, there are various self-help groups in Germany in which parents of star children exchange ideas and support each other in their mourning work.

Tell children about the star child

The children already living in the family are also confronted with death by the star child. They too mourn. For the children it is especially important that the star child is not kept secret, but has his place in the family. Helpful for mourning grievances are beautiful rituals for all family members. For example, a candle can be set up for the child or memories such as ultrasound pictures, locks of hair or the first socks can be collected and stored together with a photo in a beautiful container in the living room.

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Graciously say goodbye

If a loved one dies, this causes great sorrow. This is just as much the case with a star child whose parents did not have the opportunity to meet their child and grow up. The life together ends even before it starts. In order to process grief, death must be recognized. This includes the recognition of the sad event and a dignified farewell after the birth and a solemn burial. The latter is handled differently in the federal states. The burial of the stillborn child, which is possible in a single or family grave, gives the parents the opportunity to gradually overcome their grief by visiting the tomb and tomb care.

In hospitals, it is possible today for parents to keep their star children in their arms after birth. The handling of the terrible fact is often aided by a loving treatment of the hospital staff by the clinic. Many babies are placed in a wicker basket. The parents have as much time as they need to deal with the first pain and say goodbye to their star child.

When parents are affected in the circle of friends

In our society, death in general and miscarriages in particular is still a taboo topic. No wonder, then, when we feel helpless and inhibited when it comes in the circle of friends or acquaintances. Often the sad fact is ignored and hushed, the parents remain alone with their grief. If you are confronted with the topic in your environment, you should show compassion and compassion. Just be there and listen, but avoid giving the grieving parents good advice. They are out of place in this difficult time.


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Did I forget something? Can you think of any more points?
I´m looking forward to your experiences and additions.

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My local yarn shop has a box where you can leave either handmade clothing for the 'Sternenkinder' or leave yarn and other material for making these things.

love this idea

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