FUCK CANCER! - How cancer destroys the whole family

I guess that was leading me to the second step:

2. DENIAL - It cannot be terminal.... we got this!

I am a firm believer in the magical powers of mind power and how our thoughts can be responsible for circumstances that happen in your life. I wasn't ready to give up hope.

With the doctors stating there were no options for treatment aside from pain relief and knowing my father wouldn't be against using CBD oils as a natural treatment therapy, I found a supplier entered my credit card details and had his first bottle of medicine express posted to him.

As much as I said I didn't have my hopes up for that I had found him that miracle cure, I did!

There is no denying I still hadn't wrapped my head around the actual terminal diagnosis and I refused to believe this was happening to us...not my family...not my Dad, I only just have him back! We got this, our family has always been fighters! We can beat this!

3. ANGER - That frustrating outpour of bottled up emotions.

My husband has felt the brunt of most of my outbursts. As he tried/tries to offer me his love and support I feel like a burden to him and prefer to deal with my emotions alone and internally. But in not sharing the weight of the load my emotions have many times exploded like scorching hot lava spewing from a volcano.

Thank goodness my husband is a kind, understanding, loving and patient man. I certainly couldn't do this without his guidance and support and am ever so thankful to him.

I felt/feel angry for many reasons. The way I let trivial bullshit get in the way of my family and lead to years spent apart. Angry that I had only rekindled this relationship and faced losing him soon, angry that the doctors were not willing to try anything and everything to help my father survive. Angry I was so far away from home. Angry that everyone couldn't see we could beat this and miracles really do happen. Angry that this was something that I may not be able to fix. I am the eldest child of my family and mother of 5 of my own children. I always found a way to "fix things" or make things work.

4. BARGAINING- Things are getting better right, he has a chance

After using the CBD oils for a short time my father began to report of slight improvements he was feeling, reduction in swelling he had in his legs and feet, increased appetite, improved concentration, and some pain relief. The news couldn't have made me any happier and I became determined to encourage my father to adopt more and more natural treatments.

At the time I had felt content in sending my 3 eldest children back home to spend an extended period of time with my family. Although I wish I had been able to send all 5 of my children and had sacrificed my own seat but knew to give my father the opportunity to enjoy as many of his grandchildren in the flesh was not only important for him but also for the children.

As their plane left and my house fell a quiet my household never hears, my random sobbing sounded louder than usual.

Two weeks into the children's trip and after a turn of personal circumstances, I was able to fly out with the rest of my family and spent a short time with my father. After believing that this wasn't even possible because of finances of flying a family of 7 internationally this was a dream come true and a moment in time I will be forever grateful for. My mother and sisters planned a beautiful time and everything was perfect! We even made time to take the most amazing family portraits.

The only thing was now I had seen, smelt and touched him I felt even more desperate not to lose him and was willing to buy or do anything to make it happen.

5. DEPRESSION - The realization of the inevitable

The plane ride home was hard. My emotions were everywhere. As I stood in the ques of people I wondered if any strangers around me could sense the immense feelings of sadness and weight I felt I was carrying. As I moved my thoughts away from myself I began to wonder if anyone else around me too was carrying weight like mine all while yo-yo-ing between feeling empathy for the people around me to anger that they were getting so caught up and flustered over the little things like missing a connecting flight....there are bigger issues in the world right now buddy!

My father's condition declined rapidly and he was no longer able to be at home and readmitted back into palliative care. "The doctors believe before Christmas and are surprised your father is fighting this hard, he is amazing them", my mum said. The realization that my father was dying was slapping me in the face and I wasn't ready to face it. I was destroyed but had to like always keep my shit together and silently fade away inside. Keep your shit together Monique! I would remind myself,

As the days went on and my father's pain relief medication increased and cancer began to take over his brain he began to lose track of our conversations and drop his phone constantly as the medications took effect. "I sorry I dropped you darling" he would say until he couldn't fight to fall asleep any longer and as the phone dropped for the last time I felt content in listening to him snore.

His ability to talk on the phone decreased by the day and by Christmas Eve when I was most desperate to hear his voice he became unresponsive. Although I went through the motions for my children Christmas was hard. It was only the evening of Christmas after talking with my mum again I finally began to accept what was going on. It didn't mean it was OK though.

This desperate feeling of needing to hear from my father only intensified and I hated myself for not being able to remember every single detail of our last call. What if he never wakes again? Did I tell him I loved him?

This feeling continued to intensify until the very early hours of New Years Day when I received the call that would change my life forever....my father had passed away.

I broke down and whaled and cried until I passed out and then awoke with tears still running down my face. I grabbed my phone to check the time and saw I had a message from my father. Maybe it was all a dream? I played the voice message left and it was from my father saying goodbye and not to cry for him. My mum had sent it. Even in the lead up of losing her own love of her life, she was still thoughtful enough to carry out this beautiful gesture for Dad. Something I will treasure forever.

My world will never be the same again. The man who dried my tears from a broken hearts, rubbed my legs after soccer games and was my biggest fan, the man shared sympathy pains while I labored with my daughter Scarlet, the man who would carry me from the car as I pretended to sleep as a little girl, the man who shed a tear as he first held each of his 5 grandchildren I presented him with, the first man I loved and will love my whole entire life is gone forever.
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My heart and soul will never be the same again and as I now bounce through the stages of grief like scribbles on the image above I feel fearful this anguish and hurt and anger inside will never subside and, if how I feel at the moment is anything to go by, I fear I may never be able to reach the next step of grief let alone the final step ... acceptance. These last 13 weeks have destroyed me. I can only imagine how my mother feels losing her soul mate of 35 years. She pretends to be brave and wears it on the inside like me.

One thing I do know is that I blessed with the love and support of my husband and family and their love and support cradles me through this dark time,

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