Queen of All Trades, Mother of None

I want to tell you a story about the woman who does it all.

Mother, breadwinner, business owner, community leader. She makes the money and manages the finances. She helps with the homework, gets the groceries, and makes the meals. She schedules the appointments for car maintenance and doctors and haircuts. She renews the car registration and files the taxes.

She feels the dread of quicksand rising. Already it's chest high.

_{Sinking.
Source: Unsplash}

If you didn't already guess it, I am talking about me. Maybe I am talking about you too. But if you came here looking for another post lamenting useless men and humble bragging about women who run everything, you've come to the wrong conclusion.

I love my husband. He is a supportive and loving partner. Through the years we've been through many of the crazy things that life throws at people, and the contributions we each bring to our relationship have ebbed and flowed as they must in any true team effort. At this moment I am our sole breadwinner, a fact which pains us both.

_{Derailed.
Source: Unsplash}

The business has down months. There's not enough saved. Bills go unpaid. Insurance gets cancelled. Car maintenance and medical needs go neglected. The Monday before our child's birthday party, we still haven't sent out invitations. We find an open Jello packet in his room - we ran out of his regular snacks like crackers or fruit, so he decided to eat powdered gelatin.

My joints ache from neglected sleep and bad food. Too often I throw away food that I bought with good intentions but didn't get around to cooking. Or I actually do the meal prep in advance, but everyone forgets to take it out for lunch or dinner. I am gone for 10 hours most weekdays, sometimes 14. Every day I could point to at least five things that are past due, and I don't get to them all. I am not prone to anxiety or panic, but I feel as though I'm living on the edge of both.

_{...
Source: Unsplash}

It is not society's fault. It is not my husband's fault. It is my own damn fault.

If you too are a woman who does it all, I do not applaud you. I see you, though. As clearly as I see myself. And I urge you to run away from this persona, before she does us both in.

Of course, you wouldn't run away. People depend on you. I know you want to be there for them. I don't advocate running from responsibilities, I just want to point out they aren't all your responsibilities.

I am talking to myself here. Maybe I am talking to you too. I know how you got into this mess. It started with a fundamental truth:

No one controls my actions but me.
Resisting reality is fruitless; I must take action to create the future I want to inhabit.

Over time, through stress and exhaustion, it became twisted:

If I don't do it, no one will.

This sounds benign, but it leads down a dark path. Sure, with self improvement: "If I don't do it, no one will" sounds fair. Now, let's apply that to paying the bills: "If I don't do it, no one will." Dishes: "If I don't do it, no one will." Laundry: "If I don't do it, no one will." Taking the dog out: "If I don't do it, no one will."

See how wrong this is? I cannot do it all. Whether by choice or sheer exhaustion, some of these things, I will not do. Maybe no one needs to do it. Maybe someone else can, and will.

_{Ok, I guess I can't leave it here...
Source: Shivashaktiyoga.org}

Stop trying to do it all. But don't stop at stopping.

Start being intentional about what is really your responsibility. What cannot get done without you? Do you want it to be that way or do you want that to change? What will it take to change it? Who will do it, and when? What do they need from you, so they can take this on?

I am talking to myself here. But maybe I am talking to you, too.