I Am-100 Days of Poetry Challenge: Day Sixty Five
I Am
I hold myself in a way that says I am strong
I hold myself in a way that shows I belong
in a world that accepts that life for all
is what is to be respected if we are to smash these walls.
I hold my tears back because within me is a flood,
that once opened will bring forth tears of blood.
these years of burying what I have held inside
this side of me that I have tried for too long to hide.
But now to be gentle and allow myself to breathe
to take my space and accept what I need.
I can be strong, I can be powerful and vulnerable too
I am so much more that what you see in front of you,
Mixed up and erratic, tired and forceful it's true,
I am all of those things and so many more hiding in my queue,
who are creative and colourful, heroic and wild
And I take myself to new depths when I meet my inner child.
1st Image:https://tarahcyel.com/the-magic-of-i-am/
2nd Image:my own
Notes
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I love how the lyrical voice slips in the poem between contrasts. It is evident the human essence transcending itself and accepting itself with virtues and defects to rise above appearances and achieve the ultimate goal that is "BEING". From the title itself: "I am", the affirmation is transmitted, the movement of searching for oneself, so important in these days that it is so easy to get lost with so many technological and experiential seductions.
Good job, appreciated @trucklife-family.
thanks so much @zeleiracordero for your really encouraging feedback xx
I truly love your voice and message in all of your poems. And I understand their sacredness which makes giving an honest critique seem a little sacrilegious. My hope is that my advice will only encourage you to develop your craft so your voice can be heard even louder.
Structure wise and for the sake of flow rhyming lines should have the same amount of syllables. I don’t always stick to that rule myself but it is a good practice. So for instance in the third and fourth lines you could rewrite the lines like this:
In a world that accepts that life for all
Deserves respect to help break down these walls.
Although the order of the lines highlights your erratic side and makes a statement in itself I feel you should rearrange it to show progression from the inside out.
So I would start with the line “I hold back my tears...” and move the first four lines to the end.
When it comes to flow and rhythm word choice is also important although somewhat subjective. For instance, I would reword the line “ I hold my tears back because within me is a flood” to “I hold back my tears for within is a flood.” Try speaking your poem out loud. It helps you discover places where words impede the flow and sort of trip you up.
I hope you find this advice helpful and know I share it with the deepest respect.
thank you @firststeps for your feedback, I do really appreciate it, I really am opened to learning more.
The only thing I guess I would not do is change the order of the lines, as for me it would change my poem, which is a representation of how I can feel strong and quite quickly become more vulnerable, I was trying to capture how fragile we can be, especially when putting on a proud front. The rest of your feedback I really found helpful, so thank you xxx
I love the rhythm in this one my dear! Seding you lots of love xxx
thank you Niina for continuing to support me xxx
The rhythm of the poem is beautiful. And the persona's voice is strong. It encourages the reader to be too.
thank you @theverve I'm so glad you carry that away with you x