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Good morning Steemsters!

In case you didn't notice, I'm completely obsessed with #SteemMonsters.

I wrote this skit as the first in a series called THE STEEM MONSTER TAVERN. It will be performed live on SteemStar After Dark! Friday night! 8-10 EST! If you like writing, voice performing, or just general merriment, join the fun!

This is also an entry in the #SteemMonsters Art Contest (Week One) HERE is the contest post!

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On to the comedy!

The Steem Monsters Tavern! Starring...

AND...

And Don't Forget...

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THE STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN

By Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Talks at the beginning and end.
KOBOLD MINER - A Common Kobold, Fire is his element.
LORD OF DARKNESS - Legendary, Death is his element
GOBLIN SORCERER - A Common Goblin, also the bartender.

NARRATOR

We find ourselves in a strange tavern, filled with all sorts of creatures drinking and having a good time. It’s a mysterious tavern that exists somewhere between Nowhere and The Limits of Unbridled Imagination. In this tavern, the Steem Monsters eagerly await their first summoning. A Kobold Miner is seated at the bar, speaking to a towering Lord Of Darkness. Welcome to The Steem Monsters Tavern!

KOBOLD MINER

Whoa! Watch it, big guy! You nearly crushed my purse!

LORD OF DARKNESS

You carry a purse?

KOBOLD MINER

Not like that. It’s a little bag that I keep my ores and minerals in. You know… I’m a miner.

LORD OF DARKNESS

Yeah, I got that from the hammer.

KOBOLD MINER

So what are you? Lemme guess… Lord of Darkness?

LORD OF DARKNESS

The Lord Of Darkness, thank you very much.

KOBOLD MINER

Oh, you think you’re the only one? Why don’t you come down to my level there, big guy?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Sorry about that. A lot of people are intimidated by my height. I’ll use magic to shrink myself down to your size. It’s a thing I can do.

SOUND FX - SHRINKING

KOBOLD MINER

Hey, That’s better! Now you’re not so utterly horrifying.

LORD OF DARKNESS

Thanks. Do you want to hold my flame whip?

KOBOLD MINER

Oh gee… I don’t know if I could… without burning up.

LORD OF DARKNESS

I just thought, you know, since you’re a fire monster…

KOBOLD MINER

Why the hell not! Hand that flaming monstrosity over here!

LORD OF DARKNESS

[hands it over] It works. Looks good on you. You should really consider getting one of those.

KOBOLD MINER

You really think so? I got a friend who’s a firesmith, could probably put something together like this.

GOBLIN SORCERER [appearing out of nowhere]

What do you want to drink?!

LORD OF DARKNESS

Holy crap, that was sudden! It’s a goblin sorcerer! Things are a lot more frightening when you’re little like this.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Tell me about it. I have to use magic to levitate myself tall enough to get over the bar.

KOBOLD MINER

You mean you’re levitating now?

GOBLIN SORCERER

You bet. So what do you guys want?

LORD OF DARKNESS

I’ll have a frozen strawberry daiquiri.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Sorry, we don’t have a blender. I can do it shaken.

LORD OF DARKNESS

No. It’s just not the same.

KOBOLD MINER

Lemme get this straight… The Lord of friggin’ Darkness only likes his strawberry daiquiris frozen!

LORD OF DARKNESS

I’m a demon who knows what he likes.

KOBOLD MINER

Chocolate milk for me, thanks. So you guys know how this is gonna go down?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Well, I was talking to the Spirit of the Forest in the VIP Legendary Room, and she heard from Swamp Thing that the Frost Giant has the whole scoop, which he apparently got from someone called Aggroed.

GOBLIN SORCERER

But what did you hear? I’m curious too. I just woke up here and figured it was my job to tend the bar, seeing as I was behind it.

KOBOLD MINER

Yeah! Me too! Like I just woke up here a little bit ago. I mean, I know I’m a Kobold, and I know I’m a miner, but I don’t necessarily remember mining anything. But I must have! Or else what’s in my purse?

GOBLIN SORCERER

You carry a purse?

KOBOLD MINER

It’s not that kind of purse!

LORD OF DARKNESS

That’s the thing, you guys. I don’t think we even existed before this place. So I’m a Lord of Darkness, but how come I don’t remember doing a bunch of evil Lord Of Darkness things? I don’t even know what my abilities and powers are, and I don’t have a clue how to use my flame whip. Can I have that back, by the way? You said you’d get your own.

KOBOLD MINER

And so I will. What else you know?

LORD OF DARKNESS

The way I understand it, we’re waiting to be summoned.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Summoned by who?

LORD OF DARKNESS

By whom? No one knows. I even asked the Dragons.

KOBOLD MINER

There’s dragons?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Yeah, you’ll meet them in battle… they’ll probably crush you.

KOBOLD MINER and GOBLIN SORCERER

Battle!?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Oh yeah, that’s how the whole thing works. We get summoned, we get instantly transported to some other realm or whatever, then we do battle.

KOBOLD MINER

With each other?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Yeah, everyone in here. We’re just waiting in here to be summoned.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Will it hurt when the dragons crush us?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Dunno. It’s a fair question though.

KOBOLD MINER

Are you gonna get our drinks or not?

GOBLIN SORCERER

Your drinks are already sitting in front of you. I used magic.

KOBOLD MINER

Magic chocolate milk, eh? It better taste like regular chocolate milk. [GLUGS MILK] Lucky for you, this chocolate milk is delicious.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Who’s gonna fight with who?

LORD OF DARKNESS

With whom, and all of us… with all of us. At least that’s what the Stone Golum thought.

KOBOLD MINER

What are you just getting all this from gossip?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Of course. It’s all pretty much speculation at this point. The Silvershield Knight keeps riding around insisting that we’re all pawns in an interdimensional game of playing cards. That’s the craziest idea I’ve heard yet.

GOBLIN SORCERER

What do playing cards have to do with anything?

LORD OF DARKNESS

His theory is that each of us is represented by a playing card in some weird alien game.

KOBOLD MINER

I get it. They lay the cards out on the table, right?

LORD OF DARKNESS

No, nothing like that. The cards aren’t even real.

KOBOLD MINER

I know they’re not real, but for the sake of conversation.

LORD OF DARKNESS

No, you don’t get it. There’s more to the Silvershield Knight’s insane theory. The cards are all visually represented through a computer program, and they do simulated battle while we battle for real. There are no actual cards in any part of it. But he insists it’s a card game.

KOBOLD MINER

But that’s ridiculous! How can it be a card game if there are no cards?

LORD OF DARKNESS

Don’t ask me. I’m not the one spreading that crazy story around.

KOBOLD MINER

Whatever. Let’s just hope for the best when it’s time for the summoning. In the meantime, I think we may be here awhile, so barkeep! I’ll take another chocolate milk.

LORD OF DARKNESS

If you’ll excuse me gentlemen, the Spirit of the Forest over there in the corner has been giving me the eyes for the last five minutes. I’m going to make a move, Whoops! Almost forgot to unshrink myself.

SOUND FX - UNSHRINK

Catch you later, little fellas!

SOUND FX - LOUD FOOTSTEPS

GOBLIN SORCERER

Here’s your chocolate milk. Why do you only drink chocolate milk anyway?

KOBOLD MINER

I could tell you… but then I’d have to kill you.

GOBLIN SORCERER

Save it for the battlefield

BOTH LAUGH

NARRATOR

And so the motley assortment of monsters in the large tavern begin to start questioning the nature of their existence. Who knows what surprises and adventures are in store for these off-duty Steem Monsters? Join us next time on Steem Monsters Tavern!

The End.

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