It's time for episode eleven y'all!

It's Friday night, and that means it's time for another PLAYHOUSE, hosted by the lovely @CarrieAllen and myself! On The Playhouse, each week we perform original Steemian sketch comedy, and we invite YOU, the audience to join in the performance glory!

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With the help of the magical SteemStar Discord Server, we're able to bring in voices from all over the world, maybe even YOURS!

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Tonight we've got a buttload of new hilarious comedy for you... don't miss it!

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On to the Script!

THE STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN

Episode 11 - "Quiet on the Monster Front"
by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS

NARRATOR - Beginning, middle, end.
LORD OF DARKNESS - Everyone’s favorite Dark Lord.
GOBLIN SORCERER - Bartender of the Steem Monsters Tavern
SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT - Rides a horse that may or may not be a service horse.
MALRIC INFERNO - Fire Summoner.
LYANNA NATURA - Earth Summoner.
ALRIC STORMBRINGER - Water Summoner.
TYRUS PALADIUM - Life Summoner.

SOUND FX - THE STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

NARRATOR
It’s quiet tonight in the Steem Monsters Tavern. The monsters are plum-tuckered out from nearly incessant battling. I mean, seriously. The game is addictive. You just can’t stop playing. Anyway, the Lord of Darkness is the only monster at the bar, with his flame whip sprawled across the three stools net to him. He’s drinking a whiskey and chatting with his friend, the Goblin Sorcerer.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You know what, Frank? I never thought I’d say it around the Steem Monsters Tavern, but I’m bored.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I know what you mean, Goldie. I didn’t see it coming, but with all the battling that’s been going on, all the monsters kinda got tired of drinking.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Not me. I’m a thirsty Lord of Darkness. Another whiskey if you please.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Comin’ right up!

SOUND FX - GOBLIN MAGIC

LORD OF DARKNESS
Man, that’s friggin’ cool. You know, Frank? People underestimate your pointy little ass.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’ll take that as a compliment.

LORD OF DARKNESS
It’s true. You run this place single-handed, you magic up drinks outta nothing, and you been doing pretty good in the ole battles, haven’t you buddy?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Let’s just say my value is steadily rising.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You know what I just noticed? No sqauwking… What happened to the cockatrice?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, earlier, Medusa came in, and she was in a mood… Anyway, chicken thing got in her way, next thing you know, cockatrice statue. I had the Minotaur move it outside… No one really likes looking at it. Little bastard just wouldn’t stop pooping on the floor.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh boy… Here comes the Silvershield Knight.

GOBLIN SORCERER
[shouting to front door] You can’t bring that horse in here, I already told you.

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
[shouting from front door] But it’s a service horse!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah, we’ve heard that one before.

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
But it really is a service horse! I’ve got papers and everything!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Can I see those papers?

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
Well, I don’t have them with me! And I’m so faaaar from home!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Look man, I don’t make the rules!

LORD OF DARKNESS
[aside to Golbin Sorcerer] But you do make the rules.

GOBLIN SORCERER
[aside to Lord of Darkness] Only when it’s convenient.
[aloud to Silvershield Knight] Sorry, there’s a sign to the left of the front door. Check it out!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh, this is gonna be good…

GOBLIN SORCERER
Wait for it…

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
[shouting from front] The sign says “No service horses allowed, even if you they have paperwork and everything!” Are you playing a trick on me?!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Of course not! Rules are rules!

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
But the Silvershield Knight never leaves his steed. Without him, I don’t have trample. But just you wait, I have plenty of other Silvershield Knight friends… maybe even enough for a posse. I’ll bring them back here and together we’ll show you some manners… maybe trample some stuff.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Okay, but your friends won’t be able to let their horses in either!

SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT
I wish Khymia were here… she’d smite you all good. I take my leave.

EXIT SILVERSHIELD KNIGHT

GOBLIN SORCERER
Do you think he actually has friends?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Not a chance.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Seriously though. The hooves scuff up my floor something fierce.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Dude. There are literally at least a dozen monsters in here that have hooves, myself included.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh yeah? I hadn’t noticed…

BOTH LAUGH

LORD OF DARKNESS
Hey Frank? How do you think things are going over in the Summoner’s Pub?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Huh. That’s actually the first time I’ve thought about it in weeks.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I hear stories…

GOBLIN SORCERER
Me too! From what I hear, the summoners just sit around in folding chairs. Folding chairs, mind you, they don’t have fancy hand-carved oak furniture like we do. They do have a foosball table, but apparently they mostly just set their drinks on it.

LORD OF DARKNESS
No!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah! But get this! They don’t drink endless top-shelf booze like we do. I guess all they have is an pitcher of Country-Time Lemonade, and if they drink too much of it too quickly, they get cranky and need to take a nap, which they do right there in the folding chairs. Countrytime lemonade is pure sugar you know.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Wow, really paints a picture for you.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Tell me about it. To pass the time between their oh-so-strenuous summonings, they sit around in there and argue about who’s the best at guess what? Friggin Summoning!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Wow, I can’t even imagine.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I know, I know.

LORD OF DARKNESS
No, seriously, I can’t imagine. Dark Eternals are notoriously unimaginative. You’re gonna have to help me imagine it.

GOBLIN SORCERER
No problem, Goldie… come with me on a strange journey of the mind…

SOUND FX - DREAM SEQUENCE

NARRATOR
In the Summoners Pub, the summoners are sitting around in you guessed it, folding chairs. There nothing exciting hanging on the walls, there is no music playing, and there seems to be no bar at all! But where do the summoners acquire their endless booze? Is it possible that in the summoner’s pub, all they have to drink is Countrytime Lemonade? You know what they say: When life gives you countrytime lemonade, give life the finger! Alric Stormbringer is snoring loudly, and Malric Inferno is picking gum out of his shoe with a pair of tweezers.

MALRIC INFERNO
Seriously? You’d think with my extremely high body temperature that the gum would melt off or something.

LYANNA NATURA
I can’t believe this is the most interesting thing that’s happening right now. How come it’s not turning to gooey liquid? I mean, you’re basically made of fire.

MALRIC INFERNO
That’s what I’m saying. Instead it’s like, solidifying and sticking even harder.

LYANNA NATURA
Gross. Now you’re gonna lose to Zintar all the time and have sticky shoes.

MALRIC INFERNO
Ugh. This again? I haven’t even lost to Zintar that many times.

LYANNA NATURA
I watched you lose ten in a row. Just saying.

MALRIC INFERNO
Unbelievable. I was experimenting with different teams… a concept with which you’re not familiar, Miss Natura.

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
[waking up] What, what!? Is there some dispute afoot! I have been casually napping here on this comfortable folding chair. All that Countrytime lemonade simply went to my head.

TYRUS PALADIUM
Anyone want to play foosball?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Shut up, Tyrus! Go convene with your imaginary goddess in the sky, or something.

MALRIC INFERNO
Seriously, Tyrus. Why don’t you just stay out of it? You’re such a tool.

TYRUS PALADIUM
I just thought, maybe we could have some fun…

LYANNA NATURA
What, Tyrus, we’re not fun enough for you? Hey guys, Tyrus wants to have some fun!

MALRIC INFERNO
Such a tool.

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Tyrus, my boy! I’ve got some fun for you! Take this egg-

TYRUS PALADIUM
Where’d you get the egg?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
I’m a magician, dammit! I can do far more impressive things than make an egg appear out of nowhere! Now pay attention! Take this egg-

TYRUS PALADIUM
Is it boiled? I mean, should I be careful with it?

MALRIC INFERNO
I’m gonna fireball him. Can I fireball him?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Silence! There will be no fireballing today. Take this egg and go to the Steem Monsters Tavern. Their front sign displeases me. Throw this egg at it.

TYRUS PALDIUM
You want me to throw the egg at the Steem Monsters Tavern? Won’t that bring the wrath of all the monsters down on us with the blazing fury of a thousand burning suns?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
That was quite vivid. No, child. We needn’t worry about those drunken fools. Take a Countrytime lemonade for the road.

EXIT TYRUS PALADIUM

LYANNA NATURA
That boy’s about to get himself into some trouble…

ALL LAUGH

SOUND FX - EXIT DREAM SCENE

NARRATOR
Back in the Steem Monsters Tavern, the Goblin Sorcerer and the Lord of Darkness are quite confused. Was that just their imagination, or was Tyrus Paladium really on his way over to throw an egg at the Steem Monsters Tavern’s front sign?

LORD OF DARKNESS
What was that? Was that the imagination thing?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I don’t know. It started that way, but then it felt more like we were actually there, listening in and watching, even though no one knew it.

LORD Of DARKNESS
Maybe somehow through our combined powers we were able to astral project to the Summoner’s Pub. We should explore that possibility.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Indeed, it could make for some interesting future episodes… of activity. Episodes of activity.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yep. We always have episodes… and they just keeeep coming.

NARRATOR
The Lord of Darkness finishes his drink and takes post out front. Certain that Tyrus Paladium is coming any time to throw that magic egg, Goldie hides behind a tree. He’ll give little Tyrus the fright of his life. Goblin Frank starts to clean up the bar for the night, as most of the monsters are sleeping in various nooks and crannies of the tavern. Rest well, monsters! Who knows what tomorrow may hold! Join us next time on the Steem Monsters Tavern!

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

THE END

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