The Steem Monsters Tavern! Lala, la lala, la laaaaa!

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The Steem Monsters Tavern is a comedy series I've been writing since the way back beginning of #SteemMonsters. If you wonder what the monsters like to do in their spare time, come on down and you'll never want to leave!

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The Playhouse is the only fully interactive, fully Steemian Sketch Comedy Spectacular of its kind! Hosted each Friday night by @CarrieAllen and myself when I'm available, anybody can play in the PlayHouse!

Through the SteemStar Discord server, we can facilitate interactive script-readings with players from all over the world. It's pretty freaking cool.

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On to the Script!

I like to include a copy of the script so anyone listening can follow along with the performance! Enjoy!

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The Steem Monsters Tavern - Episode 9 - "The Dark Night"

by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS

NARRATOR
GOBLIN SORCERER
GRUMPY DWARF
LORD OF DARKNESS
PEACEBRINGER

NARRATOR
Deep in the misty and enchanted woods surrounding the Steem Monsters Tavern, a great clamour can be heard. Titanic footprints shake the ground as the largest monsters impatiently meander. A huge lightning dragon circles above in the darkness, occasionally visible amid a flash of lightning. The monsters know that their time has nearly come; soon they will battle for tournament glory. Their prize: control of the Splinterlands. And what’s at stake? No one knows for sure… this is all quite new. In the Steem Monsters Tavern, the most peaceful monsters are having their fill of free drinks, while they still can. The Goblin Sorcerer behind the bar is attempting to pacify a particularly Grumpy Dwarf…

GOBLIN SORCERER
Ok, okay buddy. One more time from the top… take it easy, and keep the huffing and puffing to a minimum. What happened to you?

GRUMPY DWARF
Swindled I was! Bamboozled and flummoxed by the likes of a putrid knave! Grrrr! Shazbot!

GOBLIN SORCERER
There you go again. How can I follow your story if you always just trail off into angry nonsense?

GRUMPY DWARF
Sorry. They call me the Grumpy Dwarf. There’s nothing I can do about it! Grrrrr..

GOBLIN SORCERER
Relax! I get that you were swindled by someone… and I’m guessing it was the Screaming Banshee. She’s been running a pool on which alpha monster is the most powerful, but I think it’s rigged.

GRUMPY DWARF
Exactly! Swindled and stroodled by a spectral floozy I was! Grrr... Flickenblat!

GOBLIN SORCERER
So who did she convince you to put your gold on?

GRUMPY DWARF
I don’t wanna say…

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’ll bet I can guess… Feral Spirit?

GRUMPY DWARF
How did you know?!

GOBLIN SORCERER
[laughing] She’s been running that scam on everyone. She’s just trying to keep money off the Lord of Darkness. He’s the real favorite.

GRUMPY DWARF
Is that a fact? I still have some more gold…

GOBLIN SORCERER
I like you, Grumpy Dwarf. Even though I had no idea til yesterday that dwarves were even a thing, I like you.

GRUMPY DWARF
Of course we’re a thing.

GOBLIN SORCERER
You just showed up in my bar, not belonging to any apparent color, kinda bossing everybody around… I like that.

GRUMPY DWARF
Don’t you try to change me, pointy Laddie!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Lemme finish, Grumpy! Can I call you Grumpy?

GRUMPY DWARF
I guess. But I’m not the one from the fairy tale.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Fine, fine. Anyway, since I like you Grumpy, I’m gonna let you in on an exclusive 100% verifiable Goblin Sorcerer secret. And you can take that to the dragon bank, if you know what I mean.

GRUMPY DWARF
I know exactly what you mean. Just point me in the right direction and my axe will do the smiting!

GOBLIN SORCERER
No, nothing like that. I’ve got tougher and bigger guys than you to do my dirty work for me. I’m talking about the Screaming Banshee’s pool. You know, which alpha monster is strongest?

GRUMPY DWARF
Yeah?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Well all the suckers have fallen for the Feral Spirit garbage. No offense, but look at that stupid thing. It’s just a cat that kind of teleports around the room. Sometimes it poops from the ceiling; hands down my most annoying customer.

GRUMPY DWARF
If I’m a sucker, then you’re a goblin!

GOBLIN SORCERER
I am a Goblin, dude. Try to keep up.

GRUMPY DWARF
I… wait… I know…

GOBLIN SORCERER
Anyway, the smart money is going to the Lord of Darkness… Everybody knows he’s the toughest around.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Did somebody call for the Lord of Darkness, cause here he is!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh hey Goldie. Are we referring to ourselves in the third person now?

LORD OF DARKNESS
The Lord of Darkness thought he’d shake things up a bit. He tried calling himself the Dark Lord, but nobody liked the way that sounded. Now he’s been doing the third person thing for a few days.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Cool. How’s it working out for you?

LORD OF DARKNESS
To be completely honest, the Lord of Darkness doesn’t think it’s going to work out. Now he’s just confusing everyone, including himself.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I can see how that would be a problem.

GRUMPY DWARF
What the hell is going on here? Who’s the big guy with the flame whip?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Haven’t you been listening? He’s the freaking Lord of Darkness. Show some respect!

GRUMPY DWARF
Oh, I was confused by his pronouns. I thought he was talking about somebody else. You see, he was referring to himself in the third--

LORD OF DARKNESS
Dammit, that’s enough! You and everyone else, little dude. I don’t know how I let Alric Stormbringer convince me to try that third person thing, but it’s over now.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s what you get for hanging out in the Summoner’s Pub. Why were you even over there?

LORD OF DARKNESS
They’ve got Pibb on tap. It’s the only Coke I like.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’ve got Dr. Pepper…

LORD OF DARKNESS
It’s not the same! Nevermind. Who and what is this little thing?

GOBLIN SORCERER
This is the Grumpy Dwarf. He’s one of those new monsters that just showed up all of a sudden.

GRUMPY DWARF
Pleased to make your acquaintance.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Good for you, little guy. So we’ve got dwarves now?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Guess so. This one’s pretty grumpy, but we’re working on it. Aren’t we, Grumpy?

GRUMPY DWARF
Sure are! Grrr… Scallywag!

GOBLIN SORCERER
I was just about to give Grumpy a little tip on the Screaming Banshee’s pool, as long as he agrees not to tell anybody else

GRUMPY DWARF
Oh yeah! Tickle my eardrums, my Goblin friend!

LORD OF DARKNESS
You talk funny, dude. I like you. Even though you’re not part of a color, I like you.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s what I said! Anyway, the dumb money’s on the Feral Spirit. The smart money’s on the Lord of Darkness.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Damn straight.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Not so fast… the smart smart money’s on…

LORD OF DARKNESS
WHAAAAAAAAT?!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Hold on, Goldie. I haven’t said it yet.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Sorry.

GOBLIN SORCERER
The smart smart money’s on… the Haunted Spirit.

GRUMPY DWARF
Really?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah. I have it on good authority that the Haunted Spirit in front is pretty tough to beat. How you taking this, Goldie?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Who me? I’m fine. Pshhh. Fffftttt. You know. The Lord of Darkness abides.

GRUMPY DWARF
You seem upset.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Don’t tell me what I seem, you stubby little doofus! I said I liked you, but that doesn’t mean I won’t smash you if you give me a reason! Talk to the flame whip!

SOUND FX - WHIP CRACK

GOBLIN SORCERER
Look at him go! Wow, dwarves really suck at running.

LORD OF DARKNESS
You learn something new every day I guess.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Cheer up, big guy. The Haunted Spirit may be tough, but I’m sure you’ll put up a hell of a fight.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh, I’m not worried about that. It’s just that…

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Well, fighting’s gonna start in just a few days. As much as it may seem like it, I’m not really a violent person, Frank.

GOBLIN SORCERER
This is the Steem Monsters Tavern, dude. None of us are really violent. We’re just cartoony renderings of a variety of monsters from various stories, myths and legends.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I guess what I’m saying is… When all this fighting or whatever starts… is that gonna affect our friendship?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Hell no. I think we’ll all keep finding our way back here to the Steem Monsters Tavern, where we can all get together to have some drinks and laughs.

LORD OF DARKNESS
That sounds pretty nice, Goblin Frank. Here’s to the future!

GOBLIN SORCERER
To Steem Monsters!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Steem Monsters!

SOUND FX - GLASSES CLINK

GOBLIN SORCERER
Check it out, Goldie. Here comes the Peacebringer.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Sweet! I need this…

PEACEBRINGER
Greetings, gentle and peaceful monsters! Please to sign this petition pledging your resistance to the upcoming battle season. I am the Peacebringer! I have brought the peace! Now join with my coalition of peace.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Hey Peacebringer! I’m gonna kick your ass once fighting starts. You know that, right?

PEACEBRINGER
How dare you sir? I come bringing peace! The least you can do is sign my petit--

SOUND FX - FLAME WHIP CRACK

LORD OF DARKNESS
Sorry, dude, but I don’t know how to sign a pile of ashes.

GOBLIN SORCERER
[laughing] He destroyed the petition! Yes!

PEACEBRINGER
But… that was my only copy.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Well. Guess there can’t be peace now. Right Frank?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, not a chance. We’re gonna crush each other over and over in battle. But we’ll always be able to come have a drink here in the Steem Monsters Tavern.

LORD OF DARKNESS
To battling!

PEACEBRINGER
[hesitant] To battling.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Steem Monster Battling!

SOUND FX - GLASSES CLINK

NARRATOR
The Steem Monsters are restless as can be, waiting for the upcoming battle season to begin. Some are even paying the Dark Enchantress for her stun ability, just hoping to get some sleep before the season. A giant and completely uncontrollable Hydra has somehow appeared now in the Enchanted Woods, and it’s just eating trees at random. A large Peaceful Giant is attempting to tame the Hydra, but his footfalls are causing more problems than they’re solving. How crowded can this little patch of the Enchanted Woods become. It may be time soon for some remodeling of the Steem Monsters Tavern. Join us next time!

SOUND FX - SMT SONG

THE END

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