Firiday night... Playhouse time!

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Here's a brand new episode of the Steem Monsters Tavern... because you deserve it!

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Never been to The Playhouse?

The Playhouse is the only Steemian sketch comedy show of its kind! Every week we perform all original scripts, sketches and skits with the help of our LIVE audience!

The show will be live at 4 pm MST on Carrie Allen's Vimm

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The Steem Monsters Tavern

by Chris Roberts

Episode 16 - "Fire Night"

CHARACTERS

KOBOLD MINER - Back from the mines to wet his whistle
GOBLIN SORCERER - The bartender.
CERBERUS’S FIRST HEAD (pref. male) - Pretty much in control.
CERBERUS’S SECOND HEAD (pref. female) - Annoyed
CERBERUS’S THIRD HEAD - Just makes noises.
FLAME IMP - Tiny and made of fire.
LORD OF DARKNESS - The one and only.
RUSTY ANDROID - New to the Tavern.
LORD ARIANTHUS - A friggin’ head in a jar.
PIT OGRE (one line) - Kinda dumb, attracted to shiny things.
FIRE DEMON (one line) - Looking to prove himself.

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

NARRATOR
The Steem Monsters Tavern serves Monsters of all elements, which sometimes makes things a little tricky. For example, the Dark Eternals tend to bring out the worst in the Kymerians. Some of the water monsters have to be brought in in pools, and once the monsters start getting wet things can get messy. The Goblin Sorcerer behind the bar has found that it’s best to occasionally host what he calls Element Nights. They’re basically theme parties, where one Splinter is singled out and allowed to… be themselves for the night. The Goblin Sorcerer has gathered the finest sorcerers in the land to cast flame-retardant spells over the building and its contents, and all forseeable crises have been prepared for… hopefully. Tonight is Fire Night!

KOBOLD MINER
Is it true fire monsters drink for free tonight?!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Well, yeah. But everybody always drinks for free in the Tavern.

KOBOLD MINER
Then what’s so special about tonight?

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s Fire Night. It’s the fire monsters’ chance to blow off some steam… fire style.

KOBOLD MINER
What does that mean? I’ve been in the caves for weeks, mining precious gemstones.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Did you find anything good?

KOBOLD MINER
Did I find anything good?! Who do you think I am? I’m a Kobold Miner. Kobold’s are the best at mining, you know.

GOBLIN SORCERER
So did you find anything good?

KOBOLD MINER
No. But I have a candle on my head.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I saw that. It’s nice. Does it hurt when the wax drips down?

KOBOLD MINER
Of course it does!

GOBLIN SORCERER
You want something to drink?

KOBOLD MINER
I’ll take a prune juice. I’m a little backed up.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Now I remember you! You’re the one who clogged my toilet last month and just snuck away!

KOBOLD MINER
I’m sorry! I just spend so long in the mines, I rarely have access to plumbing, one thing leads to another.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Darth Beta had a hell of a time cleaning that one up. He even had to get the Swamp Thing to help from the bottom side. That clog went deep.

KOBOLD MINER
C’mon! There are monsters in here five times my size! Their loads must be huge!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, the ones too big for the pipes take it outside into the woods!

KOBOLD MINER
That makes sense. So how about that prune juice?

GOBLIN SORCERER
They’re still talking about that night, you know. Check out the Flesh Golem’s wall of fame in the bathroom hallway, I’m pretty sure yours is one of the polaroids up there.

KOBOLD MINER
That’s disgusting! Why would- I can’t even-

EXIT KOBOLD MINER

GOBLIN SORCERER (after him)
Make sure you poop in the woods next time! Hey hey, Cerberus! I haven’t seen you around here in awhile. Come for Fire Night?

FIRST HEAD
That’s right, Frank. I would never miss a Fire Night. These two fools tried to talk me out of it, but luckily, as the middle head, I control the majority of our motor function.

SECOND HEAD
I speak for myself and the other head when I say: We’re tired of you making decisions for us all the time. You’re so… commandeering, and the fact that you control our spine completely doesn’t help the matter.

FIRST HEAD
C’mon, Nancy. You’re always talking for the other head. I know you don’t see much of it, but the other head is... not quite there. It’s more of a growth than a head.

SECOND HEAD
He doesn’t deserve any less representation just because he’s disabled.

THIRD HEAD
[Snarling, Barking, Grunting Noises]

FIRST HEAD
See, it doesn’t even know what we’re talking about. It’s always trying to bite my ear, like my ear is some kind of threat to it.

THIRD HEAD
[Snarling, Barking, Grunting Noises]

FIRST HEAD
Stop that!

THIRD HEAD
[Snarling, Barking, Grunting Noises]

GOBLIN SORCERER
Wow, you guys have issues.

SECOND HEAD
I can’t take this anymore! I’ve been thinking a lot about it, Charles, and I feel like we should go ahead and get that operation.

FIRST HEAD
Whaa! You mean the magical three-headed dog separation surgery you’re always talking about?

SECOND HEAD
Yes. They’re up to a thity-six percent survival rate.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That seems low.

SECOND HEAD
That’s a risk I’m willing to take.

THIRD HEAD
[Snarling, Barking, Grunting Noises]

FIRST HEAD
Wow, Nancy. I had no idea you two felt so strongly about this. Maybe we should grab a booth and talk this out.

THIRD HEAD
[Snarling, Barking, Grunting Noises]

FIRST HEAD
Dammit, No! No! No! Bad Dog!

SECOND HEAD
Oh, here we go! Wherever Charles wants to go!

FIRST HEAD
Shut up, shut up, shut up!

EXIT CERBERUS

GOBLIN SORCERER
I wonder if they’ll end up getting that operation.

FLAME IMP
Hello!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Whodat?

FLAME IMP
It’s me! I’m down here! You have to bend forward!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, hi there little fire buddy! What’s your name?

FLAME IMP
Craig. Can you direct me to the lava spa?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, it’s down in the wine cellar. Hey, what the hell are you?

FLAME IMP
That was a rude choice of words. I’m a Flame Imp.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Wow. I mean, you must be the littlest monster I’ve seen yet.

FLAME IMP
Size is not everything!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah, but… c’mon little dude. I almost need a magnifying glass to see you. I thought I was small.

FLAME IMP
I do get stepped on…

GOBLIN SORCERER
I can imagine! Do you have any abilities or anything?

FLAME IMP
Sure. I can fly. But that doesn’t really help when I get summoned.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Anything else?

FLAME IMP
Swiftness. I make the other monsters faster.

GOBLIN SORCERER
But you’re already so little, and your ability helps the other monsters?

FLAME IMP
Correct. I’m off to the lava spa.

EXIT FLAME IMP

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sucks to be you, little dude.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Hey Frank! How’s Fire Night treating you so far?

GOBLIN SORCERER
No fires yet that we haven’t been able to put out.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I turned my Flame Whip up to 11. Look how she shines.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Whoa! Careful with that thing. My eyebrows are still flammable.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Sorry. Fire night gets me carried away. Did you know that the Ferexia War Seminary in the Burning lands gave me an honorary doctorate degree?

GOBLIN SORCERER
No, I never heard that.

LORD OF DARKNESS
So we’ll have to add doctor to my list of titles.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’ll make a note of it.

LORD OF DARKNESS
So the weirdest thing just happened outside. There was a strange light in the sky, then a flying saucer landed in a clearing not far from here.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Are you kidding me? We’re still getting used to all the monsters around here. Now we’re just gonna throw aliens into the mix? Where does it end? What do aliens even drink?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Relax, little dude. We’ll take each thing as it comes. And they probably drink Coors Light. I heard somewhere that aliens drink Coors Light.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Look over there in the doorway! It’s a robot!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Why do we have robots all of a sudden?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Beats me.

LORD OF DARKNESS
If we don’t have robots, how do we even know about robots enough to know that that thing is a robot?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’ve found it’s best just not to ask these questions. Let’s see what happens.

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. Attention monsters. I have come to announce the arrival of your new supreme overlord. Beep boop.

LORD OF DARKNESS
We already have a supreme overlord here. Hi, I’m the Lord of Darkness, and you are?

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. I am Rusty Android. Beep boop.

GOBLIN SORCERER
You don’t seem rusty to me. I mean you’re so shiny the you’ve got the Pit Ogre hypnotized.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah, and we both agree that you’re clearly a robot.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yeah. Androids have the shape of a human. Everyone knows that.

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. I never claimed to be an Android. My name is Android. Rusty Android. Beep Boop.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Rusty Android the Robot?

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. Correct. Beep boop.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Why do you say “Beep boop” before and after everything?

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. It’s the way I was programmed. Beep boop.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Do you always do what you’re programmed?

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. Generally, yes. And you all would be in a world of hurt if I didn’t. Don’t test me. I have Magic Reflect. Beep boop.

GOBLIN SORCERER
It’s Fire Night, so if you’re coming in to drink, I would think twice if you contain any… explosive fuels or oils.

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. Actually I’m powered entirely by millions of tiny gears. Beep boop.

LORD OF DARKNESS
No one cares. Why are you here?

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. I’ve come to announce the arrival of your new supreme overlord. Beep boop.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh yeah? What’s his name?

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. His name…. His name… is Lord --- [glitch in speech] Anus! Beep boop.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Did you say Lord Anus?

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. My speech databanks momentarily malfunctioned. Not Lord Anus. The Great Lord Arianthus. Arianthus. Not Anus. Beep boop.

LORD OF DARKNESS
...And the Lord Anus shall forever be welcome in the Steem Monsters Tavern! We can’t wait to meet the Lord Anus!

GOBLIN SORCERER
To Lord Anus!

SOUND FX - HEAR HEAR!

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. That was unfortunate timing for a speech databank malfunction. Beep boop.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Indeed. Where is the Lord Anus?

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. I will bring him in. Beep boop.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Bring him in? What?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Can’t he bring himself in?

ENTER LORD ARIANTHUS

LORD ARIANTHUS
Cower before me, monsters of this planet, for I am the Lord Arianthus!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Is there more of him?

LORD OF DARKNESS
I think he’s just the head in the jar. So why should we be afraid of you, Lord Anus?

LORD ARIANTHUS
It’s Lord Arianthus! I don’t have much in the way of attack power, but if you attack me, you’ll be sorry!

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s not scary. How do you expect to rule us with only defense?

LORD ARIANTHUS
My robot has melee attack power! And magic reflect!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Rusty Android? He mentioned that!

LORD ARIANTHUS
You should know that he’s a robot, not an Android!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Yep. We spotted that right away.

LORD OF DARKNESS
It’s cool. We worked it out. His name’s Rusty Android. Whatever. So are you gonna cause any trouble here Lord Anus?

LORD ARIANTHUS
Of course I’m going to cause trouble! I’m your supreme overlord! I have invaded your planet from the stars on my spaceship in space! Ah! Don’t touch me! I have thorns!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Hey Fire Demon, can you take this head in a can outside and show him what’s what?

FIRE DEMON
Sure thing boss!

LORD ARIANTHUS
Unhand me! Where is my robot?!

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. Sorry Lord Anus, you’re on your own. Beep boop.

LORD ARIANTHUS
Dammit! Robot, I need you!

LORD OF DARKNESS
You two have fun out there! He’s got a range attack, Lord Anus! I’m pretty sure you don’t have any defense for that!

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. That grinds my gears. Beep boop.

GOBLIN SORCERER
We’re just goofing around, Rusty. This is how we have fun in the Steem Monsters Tavern.

RUSTY ANDROID
Beep boop. No, I mean the Pit Ogre is hugging me too hard. It’s literally grinding my tiny gears. Beep boop.

PIT OGRE
Ooohhh! Shiny!!!

LORD OF DARKNESS
I think you guys will like it here in the Tavern! Now check out my flame whip!

NARRATOR
And so Rusty Android the Robot was accepted into the Steem Monsters Tavern and had a wonderful time on Fire Night with his new friends. It turns out his programming is nothing more than a loose set of behavioral suggestions, and he was quick to leave it behind. The Lord Arianthus, however, will require a fair amount of bullying before he can be considered a Steem Monster. He still thinks he’s the supreme overlord. The Serpent of the Flame had a little too much to drink, and aside from a little napalm vomit that got out of control, all the fires were put out by morning! Next week… Life Night! Join us next time in the Steem Monsters Tavern!

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG

End of episode.

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