BEARS SUCK - Another Original Comedy Sketch, Written Just in Time for Steemstar After Dark, live in 30 minutes!
Steemstar After Dark airs tonight at Midnight UTC!
That's in less than half an hour!
I've been busting my ass this last few weeks to crank out some humorous skits and sketches for SteemStar After Dark.
Today I squeezed another one out right in the nick of time! It's kind of a sequel to last week's Birds Suck, called Bears Suck! And here is the script. Links will follow. Sorry about the formatting weirdness. I can't seem to figure that out...
BEARS SUCK
by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS
PAPA BEAR
JUNIOR
NARRATOR
Two bears are descending from the hills toward the town. It is a Papa Bear taking his adolescent cub for his first scavenging trip.
JUNIOR
Where are we going again, Papa?
PAPA BEAR
We’re going shopping, Junior. Don’t make too much commotion. We come in stealthy and quiet. Once we’ve slipped in, Blammo! We can do whatever the hell we want. Those people are scared to death of us.
JUNIOR
Whatever you say, Papa.
PAPA BEAR
You see, son… We do this at night because they’re all sleeping. And we do it this time of year in particular, because they haven’t had to deal with us all winter long, and they all got careless. Trash bins everywhere, full of all sorts of exotic foods.
JUNIOR
I’m gonna eat some pasta!
PAPA BEAR
Pasta’s great, son, but there are countless other wonders that you’ve never smelled or tasted before. Alright, we’re almost to town, but we need to make a quick stop first. Quiet now. We’re really close.
JUNIOR
Close to what, Papa?
PAPA BEAR
Right over there is a campground. You’re gonna love this. So these people like to come out here and sleep in these little sheet huts, and I just like to come through on my way into town and mess with ‘em. Never find much food at the campsites, but if you’re lucky you may come across some candy.
JUNIOR
[astonished] What’s candy, Papa?
PAPA BEAR
It’s a magical food treat that the people make. It comes in bright colors and shiny packages, and you can smell it a mile away. Literally. If you ever find candy, son. Get the candy. Do whatever it takes to get it. Priority one. Candy.
JUNIOR
[quietly] One of the people is sleeping on the ground by that burnt-out fire. How come he didn’t go to sleep in the sheet-hut, Papa?
PAPA BEAR
[sneaking] Passed out drunk, I reckon. He probably won’t even wake up. Okay, son. Watch this. You go off over there and watch from the bushes. I’m just gonna make a little noise, the all hell will break loose.
NARRATOR
The large black bear proceeds to let out a half-assed roar, after which all hell does indeed break loose. Tents fall over, flashlights flail, and drunken sleepy people seem to scatter in every direction. After flawlessly demonstrating the humorous ritual to his son, the Papa bear lumbers off toward the quiet town.
PAPA BEAR
Trust me, we can get into anything. I mean, the only reason we don’t go into people’s houses very often is we don’t really need to.
JUNIOR
What about garages?
PAPA BEAR
Garages a fair game- Hey… how do even know about garages?
JUNIOR
Mama told me.
PAPA BEAR
Your mother don’t know the first thing about garages. We can do garages. They’ve got these flimsy doors that you can just kind of peel back. The trick is, you only go for the garages that are separate from the houses. That way you don’t have to be quiet.
JUNIOR
Ohhhh.
PAPA BEAR
Oh look, that house has a new cage set up outside, and from the looks of it, there’s gonna be chickens in that cage.
JUNIOR
Chickens? How do you know?
PAPA BEAR
The people sometimes like to keep chickens in little cages in their yards so they can eat their eggs.
JUNIOR
Are we gonna take the eggs, Papa?
PAPA BEAR
Hell no, we’re gonna eat the chickens!
JUNIOR
We’re just gonna eat ‘em?
PAPA BEAR
Oh yeah. You see… The cage just makes it so the chickens can’t run away. And they’re freakin’ delicious.
JUNIOR
But how are you gonna get into the fence?
PAPA BEAR
Have you learned nothing from me? We’re bears! We just knock shit down.
JUNIOR
Yeah! We just knock shit down!
PAPA BEAR
That’s the spirit, Junior! Now you cover the hole I make so the chickens don’t get away…
NARRATOR
And the Papa Bear proceeds to break down the fence with one swipe of his huge paw, and the chickens go bananas. They don’t eat all of the chickens, but there are no survivors, and it is a brutal, bloody scene of chicken-slaughter. Finally, satisfied with the destruction, the Papa bear and his son continue on into town.
JUNIOR
Chasing the chickens around was so fun, Papa! Can we do it again?
PAPA BEAR
Not with those chickens, but there will be plenty of other chances down the road.
JUNIOR
I’m ready to check out some garbage!
PAPA BEAR
Easy now, boy. Here we are. Here are the trash cans. They’re out here by the curb because tomorrow’s trash day.
JUNIOR
Trash day? Is that a holiday?
PAPA BEAR
Not really. It’s the day every week that their trash disappears and they don’t have to worry about it anymore. It’s our job to get to it before then.
JUNIOR
Where does the trash go?
PAPA BEAR
Who knows? Why do you ask so many freakin’ questions? Now I know your mother has told you about how you’re supposed to sit down with the bags laid out in front of you, carefully untying them and picking out things that you want.
JUNIOR
Yeah?
PAPA BEAR
Well I have a better system.
NARRATOR
In a moment, the enormous black bear flings the trash cans across the driveway as if they were styrofoam. He then rips open the scattered trash bags one by one, flinging their contents recklessly to the sky. The result is a thick smattering of garbage evenly spread out over a large area.
PAPA BEAR
Now we can just walk through the mess and pick out the good stuff.
JUNIOR
Wow! That is quicker than Mama’s way!
PAPA BEAR
You’re damn right it is!
JUNIOR
What about those barking dogs? Won’t they wake people up?
PAPA BEAR
You don’t need to worry about them. They’re more scared of us than the people!
JUNIOR
Find any candy?
PAPA BEAR
Nope. People don’t usually throw away candy, it’s such a precious commodity. Usually you’ll find candy in cars.
JUNIOR
But how do you know which cars have candy in them?
PAPA BEAR
You can smell it, right through the package, through the car, from a long way away. C’mon, I’ll show you.
NARRATOR
And so the Black Bear and his son gleefully continue their path of scavenging destruction. They even find candy, inside a Volvo station wagon, which Papa Bear easily relieves of one of its front doors. Always remember: Bears suck.
So what the hell is Steemstar After Dark, anyway?
It's a brand new show on the Steemstar Network! Hosted by @CarrieAllen (Amazing Steemian Princess), @SirCork (Incredible Steemian Witness) and @ChrisRoberts (Just Me.)
We want this Friday night show to be mostly comedy, all original contributed material. Basically the Saturday night live of interactive net radio!
And here are the links to the show. Don't miss it!
YOUTUBE
STEEMSTAR 24/7 LIVE STREAM
TWITCH
hahaha, this was very funny! Case in point:
:-D
We are a little unsure, though, whether the reference to having "chickens go bananas" is a compliment to or a slur against the Banana Collective. 🍌
haha great story I liked the part about just knocking over the garbage's and just walking through the mess to get the goods, I was like oh now it makes sense why they tip it over all the time.
It's crazy.. We've actually seen the huge differences in the way male bears and female bears go through the garbage. It happens here all the time. The females will actually carefully open bags, leaving everything nice and orderly and take only what they need. The males, as described above, just rip and scatter. :)
If you ever feel like performing in any of the sketches, Friday night on the Steemstar Network is a fun time!
I will have to check it out this coming Friday I have never heard of it until now.
My old roommate Bob Tuskin used to have a pretty popular online radio show about freeing your mind and homesteading and conspiracy stuff called The Bob Tuskin Show. Before he showed me I didn't even realize there was so many cool online radio shows.