INSIDE THE FART PLANE - Another Brand New Original Radio Skit for SteemStar After Dark!

in #steemstarnetwork6 years ago (edited)

Did ya'll hear about that plane recently that had to make an emergency landing because of incessant farting?


Well... I decided to write a little skit that takes us Inside the Fart Plane.


I'll get to the script shortly, but first...

What is SteemStar After Dark?

It's a brand new show on the Steemstar Network! Hosted by @CarrieAllen (Amazing Steemian Princess), @SirCork (Incredible Steemian Witness) and @ChrisRoberts (Just Me.)


We want this Friday night show to be mostly comedy, all original contributed material. Basically the Saturday night live of interactive net radio!

And here are the links to the show. Don't miss it!

DISCORD SERVER
YOUTUBE
STEEMSTAR 24/7 LIVE STREAM
TWITCH



Do you have some comedic material you've written that might be hilarious out loud on SteemStar After Dark? Or would you like to write something especially for us, like a skit or monologue?

It's not as tough as it seems to write funny little dialogues, and I could really use some help if we want to make this into the hilarity-riot I think it can be.

So don't be shy! Contact me or @carrieallen on discord and get involved!


On to the Script of the Hour!

INSIDE THE FART PLANE

by Chris Roberts

CHARACTERS

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
FRANK - A Husband
JILL - His Wife
ALICE - A mother
JIMMY - Her son

                NARRATOR

High above the Atlantic Ocean, traveling east at 500 knots, flies
An airplane. It’s full of people on their way from one place to another,
As airplanes often are, but this plane is special. Little do they know,
The passengers of this aircraft will soon be pushed to brink of insanity,
Pushed by the driving force of one seemingly harmless bodily function.
Welcome to the fart plane.

                    FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain would like me to inform you that the fasten seatbelt sign is now lit, as the Captain reports that we are approaching some mild turbulence. We ask you all to remain in your seats with your seatbelts safely fastened during this time. Thank you very much.

SOUND FX - FART

                    JILL

        [poking her sleeping husband] Wake up. Hey. Hey. Hey!

                    FRANK

        Wha- what- who? I’m up, I’m up…

                    JILL

        Do you smell that?

                    FRANK

        [groggily] I was dreaming about nachos…

                    JILL

        Dammit, Frank. Wake up! Do you smell that?

                    FRANK

        Do I smell wha--   Oh, that. Well now I do. You woke me up
        For that? Why are you so proud of yourself?

                    JILL

        Ugh. It wasn’t me, you idiot. [quietly] Somebody has been
        Farting constantly for the last twenty minutes or so.

                    FRANK

        Who is it?

                    JILL

        I don’t know. Whoever he is, he’s being really sneaky about it.
        Every once in awhile I hear a little squeaker, but it’s like he’s 
        Letting them out in controlled bursts.

                    FRANK

        Why are you assuming it’s a man?

                    JILL

        Just a hunch. Anyway he thinks by letting them out in slow controlled
        Amounts like that he’s reducing our suffering. But all it’s done is create
        A built-up smell that intensifies with every squeaker.

                    FRANK

        You poor thing. I’m gonna go back to sleep.

                    JILL

        I think if we could convince the guy to just let the whole thing 
        Out and get it done with, we’d all be better off. But he’s too afraid.

                    FRANK

        He’s afraid of people like you, who want to humiliate him in front everyone
        Here cause you can’t handle a little stinky air.

SOUND FX - FART

                    JILL

        Christ’s sake, Frank. At least help me narrow down which row it’s 
        Coming from.

                    NARRATOR

        The air is getting thicker by the minute with the stench of an unknown
        Passenger’s gastro-intestinal troubles. The majority of the cloud has 
        Settled in the rear of the plane, where the issue has become completely
        Impossible to ignore. Seven miles off the ground, trapped in a winged 
        Metal cannister with a farting madman, the passengers of the fart plane
        Look longingly out the thick windows at the clean, clear air they fear they 
        May never breathe again.

SOUND FX - FART

                    JIMMY

        I can’t take it anymore, mom!

                    ALICE

        It’ll be okay, Jimmy. Mommy’s here. Just breathe through your
        mouth , honey.

                    JIMMY

        C’mon, What’s that gonna do?

                    ALICE

        You won’t be able to smell the farts, because of science Jimmy.

                    JIMMY

        That’s stupid. I’d rather smell the farts than taste ‘em.

                    ALICE

        Suit yourself, Jimmy. Just please calm, down. You’ve got to set 
        An example for the other children on the plane.

                    JIMMY

        But Mom, eveybody is freaking out! It’s so disgusting!
        And it just keeps happening! Why, Mom? WHY!?

                    ALICE

        Control yourself, young man.I know it’s awful. And I can’t say why.
        Other than somebody ate something they shouldn’t have.

                    JIMMY

        There’s parachutes, right?

                    ALICE

        Of course, for emergencies, they have parachutes, but don’t
        Worry. We won’t need those.

                    JIMMY

        No! We could find the farting guy, give him a parachute and throw
        Him out of the plane.

                    ALICE

        That’s a little drastic, Jimmy. Just breathe through your mouth.

                    NARRATOR

        Meanwhile, in the front of the fart-plane, tensions are only growing.
        One passenger is continually banging on his overhead compartment,
        Hoping to dislodge the breathing apparatus, with its precious oxygen. 
        Others are now following his lead. A couple in first class have clogged 
        Their nostrils with peanut butter in an attempt to block the horrific nasal
        Assault from its all-permeating crusade.

                    FRANK

        God-dammit Jill, would you drop it? I’m trying to pretend I’m some 
        Place where the air isn’t completely toxic.

                    JILL

        [loudly] No! I’ve had enough of this! Stewardess!

                    FRANK

        There’s no stewardess to help you! You think she would dare come 
        Through that door?! At least up front they have some refuge, but they’re
        Not gonna help us! Can’t you see?! We’re on our own!

                    JILL

        [shouting] Whoever is farting, please just stop! We don’t have to out
        You to everyone… I’m pretty sure I know who you are, but if you just stop-

                    FRANK

        Dammit, Jill! Don’t you think the son-of-a-bitch would stop if he 
        Could?!

                    JILL

        No!!! I think he’s torturing us on purpose. I think yesterday he ate the
        Exact combination of food that he knew would make him fart like this and 
        He’s tormenting us when he knows we can’t do anything about it!

                    FRANK

        Always with the drama! And I suppose you’re going to save us all
        And stop the farting! Fat chance!

                    JILL

        Are you calling me fat?

                    FRANK 

        You’re ridiculous.

                    JILL

        Enough! If we ever get off this plane alive, I want a divorce!

                    FRANK

        Fine by me!

SOUND FX - FART

                    NARRATOR

        In the back of the fart-plane, the passengers are losing hope as the 
        Cloud of putridity is almost visible. Unsupervised and ignoring the 
        Fasten seatbelt sign, the passengers are now clamouring about the 
        Plane, desperately seeking a breath of fresh air wherever they can
        Find it.

SOUND FX - FART

                    JIMMY

        [crying] Do you think we’ll ever see Dad again?

                    ALICE

        [worried, patronizing] You bet we will, Jimmy. You know what? 
        Rules be damned, I’m turning my phone on. I’ve got to reach out…

                    JIMMY

        I can’t see. My eyes are watering too much from the smell. The 
        Smell is in my eyes!

                    ALICE

        Just close your eyes, honey. Be strong for Mommy. I’m calling 
        Your father. 

                    JIMMY

        People are shouting in the front of the plane! Do you think that’s 
        Where the farter is?

                    ALICE

        I don’t know, son. I don’t know. Damn! Went to voicemail. Hello, Hank
        It’s me and Jimmy. We’re on the plane and, I don’t want to alarm you but
        There’s some scary stuff going on and well… we just wanted to tell you
        How much we love you…

                    JIMMY


        I love you, Dad!

                    ALICE

        That’s Jimmy! Anyway we love you… Talk soon. I hope.

                    FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated during these difficult times. It is imperative that we all stay calm. The captain is aware of the current… situation and has ordered an emergency landing, to occur in 15 minutes. The captain would also like to ask that the identity of the farting person not be revealed. There is a fine line between disorder and chaos, and the captain would like to urge you all to stay on the right side of that line. Thank you, and please enjoy our encore presentation of the final scene from Toy Story 2. Sit down and shut up.

                    NARRATOR

        And so the passengers of the fart-plane sit quietly as Toy Story 2 
        Drones on, attempting to block out as much of their current situation
        As possible. As the farts begin to increase in both intensity and 
        Frequency, the unfortunate passengers all share one curiosity. What
        Will the next fifteen minutes hold? For fifteen minutes can seem like
        A lifetime when you’re a passenger on the Fart Plane.

Would you like to perform in this sketch tonight? Join us tonight for SteemStar After Dark!



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But then what!? tip!

Also, radio plays are having something of a renaissance. If you're in the Los Angeles area this June, come see me in Lights Out in the Hermit's Cave, which is a play adapted from two 1930s radio plays.

Also also, a friend, Grace, is in this:

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