Nose to Nose with a Time Lord -- Steem Wars -- Comedy Open Mic Round 16

Not so long ago, in a galaxy much too close for comfort, a Writers’ Block project called “Steem Wars” launched to mediocre fanfare and many nervous giggles. Within seconds of the opening announcement, crews began to scramble. Voyagers from all corners of the galaxy snuffled to alert, blew dust off their flux capacitors or whatever hoodingle they use to power space travel, and reported for duty.

Captain Constants Trickle was no different. Well, that’s a lie. Capn Trickle is about as “different” as they come, and that’s actually a euphemism. Better words might be “odd,” or “bizarre,” or even “batshit crazy,” but we won’t go there. Wait—we just did.

Moving right along – we’ll join Capn Trickle as she hearkens to the call of Dr. Muxx. Let the games begin!

Journal Entry 35-2.06181 transcribed/edited

Trickle
What’s it been, Muxx -- ten years?

Dr. Muxx
I have a time machine…

Trickle
Boys and their toys.

Dr. Muxx
I am also far older than you could comprehend.

Trickle
Uglier, too. What the hell you got going on with that Spanish moss on your head?

Dr. Muxx
You forget I’m a Timelord? I have two brains. That’s number two.

Trickle
Good thing you reminded me. I was about to go at that thing with hedge trimmers.

Dr. Muxx
Since we’re getting personal, I see you still have that raccoon. The brains of your crew, I suppose?

Trickle
Yeah, well, her little teeny one is better than both of yours put together. (clears throat) So, what is it you’re rattling on about? Some kind of “mission?” I don’t really do missions any more, Muxx. You know this.

Dr. Muxx
Doctor Muxx, if you don’t mind.

Trickle
Sure, Doc. Whatever you say.

Dr. Muxx
The Steem has called and what The Steem wants, it gets. Besides, you owe me.

Trickle
So now they’re hijacking personal debts to save the universe?

Dr. Muxx
Meh

Trickle
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Quit bleating like a goat.

Dr. Muxx
It would take two of your lifetimes for me to explain it in such a way your human mind could comprehend. I have the time. You don’t.

Trickle
Explain it to the raccoon, since she's the brains of the operation.

Dr. Muxx
You know we don’t get on. She...looks at me.

Trickle
Of course she does, you dipshit. How else is she going to see you?

Dr. Muxx
But she licks her lips at the same time.

Trickle
Probably just savoring the knowledge that she has more IQ points than you.

Dr. Muxx
But what about those waggling eyebrows?

Trickle
Eh, probably just the fleas.

Dr. Muxx
Trickle, don't forget who got you out of that arranged marriage back on Z'moisi--you would have been wedded and bedded by now if I hadn't told the slug lord that you and I were already betrothed. Like I said, you owe me...big time. It wasn’t conducive to my hedonistic lifestyle to live such a lie, even for a brief time. But I did it anyway.

Trickle
Yes. You did. But I think the hedonist in you was hoping for a different kind of repayment.

Dr. Muxx
You owe me one way or the other.

Trickle
So out with it, old boy. The mission ... or did you forget already? Your gears must be slipping.

Dr. Muxx
Right. The mission. You have to get your sad little crew over to Whoopass 5 and meet with a delegation of Xripaq leaders. Before you ask, I have no idea why.

Trickle
I have no intention of asking why, because there’s no way we’re going. What the hell is a “Whoopass 5,” anyway?

Dr. Muxx
A space station. Sheesh. You really are in the dark ages on your little backwater planet.

Trickle
Some damn fine fishing in those backwaters, though. You ever caught a three-eyed musky?

Dr. Muxx
Fishing? I can believe it. Looks like you ate everything in the pond.

Trickle
Of course I did. Takes work to stay at a good fighting weight. These boobs are lethal weapons. Stuff a man’s face between ‘em and squeeze, and he doesn’t have a chance.

Dr. Muxx
And you wonder why I had to rescue you from that slug.

Trickle
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again -- if Capn Marky Mark hadn’t poured all the salt in the hold over his Big Stack and fries--well, number one: he wouldn’t have had a heart attack and died right there on the bridge. God rest his soul. Number two: I could have poured that shit over Sir Slug and never had to call you for help in the first place.

Dr. Muxx
Woulda, coulda didn't stop me and the RETARDIS from having to drag your sorry ass from his swamp, though, did it? I could always go back and tell myself not to bother.

Trickle
Do what you have to do. But I’m not taking my crew to Whoopass 5. We’ve already booked a fare and I’m not going to cancel.

Dr. Muxx
You drive a hard bargain. How about this? We dock your Gnatbug in the RETARDIS, I take you to pick up your fare, zip through the Steem Streem back to today and I drop you off right next to Whoopass 5? It's the deal of a lifetime.

Trickle
If you can do all that, just go to Whoopass 5 and take care of this yourself.

Dr. Muxx
As awesomely powerful as I am, even I can’t be in two places at once. It gets uncomfortable and...itchy.

Trickle
Your original message to me said--and I quote: “Your mission, should you choose to accept it.” Well, I don’t choose to accept it, not gonna accept it, and don’t give a three-eyed musky’s ass fin what you do about me not accepting it. So there.

Dr. Muxx
My dear - you like to be called dear don’t you? You have already agreed to go. I’ve been to tomorrow, and you were well on your way. So stop posturing and tell me what you require to make this happen.

Trickle
I require that you stop calling me “dear.”

Dr. Muxx
All ladies like to be called “dear”...oh, I see my mistake…

Trickle
Clearly you don’t see much of anything at all. Because your "mistake" was thinking I’d go along with this. Sorry, Pops. Not happening. And I have nothing more to say on the matter. Buh-bye.

end of transmission

Read more Steem Wars stories on Steemshelves.

I nominate @catherine813 and @caitlinh23 for the next round of @comedyopenmic.