How I Survived A Cheese Grater Attack (And Lived To Talk About It)

If you haven't already... make sure to first read the hilarious, original, human-side of the story by @whatsup, as this is sort of a response to it. But from a different character's (the mouse) perspective!

The bone-chilling incident happened about two weeks ago.

Me, being the little mouse that I am, was just walking around on the kitchen counter of my new home, minding my own cheese-wax...

...when I heard the loudest, toe-curling scream I've ever heard in my life.

My heart started racing and I could feel the pulse quicken in my temples. My hair stood straight up. The scream stopped me dead in my tracks.

It definitely is coming from inside my house.

"Dang it. The realtor said this was a safe neighborhood to move into," I thought to myself.

So there I am, standing there frozen, trying not to move and draw attention to myself.

And yet, there I was, on my two back legs, trying to get a better look at whatever strange creature could possibly make such a god-awful screeching noise like that.

Wow.

Welp... that's definitely not what I was expecting to see.

The screaming sound came from a terrifying giant creature of some sort!

Holy cheese stick, how did that she-thing get into my house?

Note to self: Ask the realtor if it's too late to get your down payment back.

Don't pee yourself.

Don't pee yourself.

Don't.
Pee.
Yourself.

Maybe she doesn't see me. I'm tiny, right?

Why the heck won't she just move?

Shoot.

She definitely sees me.

And she seems more concerned with staring at me than doing the decent thing which is to get out of my sight. I'm so freaked out that I'm trying not to pee myself over here.

I finally regain the ability to move again, and I know there's only one thing to do: run!

So I start running towards my bedroom.

Wait, it's the other way, scatterbrain.

I dodged in the other direction towards a smelly smokey kitchen.

Hot, hot, hot! Ouch!

"Not that direction, either. I don't remember turning on the stove. I should really start taking my Adderall. But meds are harmful... but they can also be helpful, but... Dang, it! Focus. No time to think about that, just get out of here!"

Just as I'm about to pull myself together, for real this time...

...I hear another god-awful scream and then, BAM!

A cheese grater is suddenly THIS close to hitting me. Nothing helps you get your sh*t together faster than a near-death-by-cheese-grater experience. I was under cover of the microwave in .02 seconds flat.

I finally had a second to finish gathering my thoughts.

Of all things. MY cheese grater. The irony. Almost killed by the one thing that I love almost as much as cheese- the tool that grates it for me.

I was just about to use it, too, before she came in the kitchen and interrupted me.

She could have at least handed it to me nicely, like any normal human would have done.

She clearly has issues. No sane person just goes on rages, starts throwing tantrums like a 2-year-old and then throws other people's things at them.

I sat there under the microwave, hoping she would forget I exist.

I am too exhausted from the battle at this point to keep fighting, and I really just need her to leave. I don't even remember why I went into the kitchen in the first place.

I also don't remember where my favorite pair of shoes are... I suddenly realized that I haven't seen them in a few weeks.

"Focus, think about shoes later," I told myself.

I officially had the creepy crawlies, a serious and rare medical condition that can only be contracted from close proximity with giant she-things.

"Oh thank God. She's leaving!"

I could barely contain the feeling of relief overcoming me. That's when I looked down...

...and noticed that a little bit of urine was running down my leg.

I guess I mistook the feeling of relief for something else.

"I'm just gonna let her clean that up if she ever finds it. That'll teach her to throw MY cheese grater at me."

I decide to go back upstairs to clean myself real quick...

...and then order 147 types of she-giant bait, giant traps, giant poison, and a pipe bomb.

As I am checking out on Amazon, the fire alarm begins to go off. Damn. I forgot to turn off the stove (that was mysteriously turned on).

"Whatever. I ain't going back out there. I'm about to burn this house down, anyway. If I can't get the downpayment back, at least I can collect insurance money."

A few days later...

Yesterday the giant she-thing showed up in my room. She does not care that I can see her, she just dances around the room, twirling from one side of the room to the other...

...as if to mock me.

She thinks that just because she's bigger than me, that she's better than me?

She thinks she can just take over? She confiscated my amazon shipment of traps and poison and tried to use it against me.

Clearly I have to burn down the house now.

It's the only reasonable solution. That will teach her.

(image inspired by @whatsup)

Epilogue

Like any normal person would do, the mouse did end up burning the house down.

She collected the insurance money and then went to the beach in Mexico.

Unfortunately, upon arrival, she quickly noticed some giant-she things invading the resort she was staying at...

Thanks @whatsup for hosting this contest!! Thank you @mikepm74 and @rocksg for being funny and creative enough to suggest it, and for thinking about the mouse's side of the story. It was really fun for me to do this!

Make sure to read the hilarious, original, human-side of the story by @whatsup!

Love, nomadicsoul (my grandma says hi, too)