OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 106 - I'm More Of A Wardrobe Than A Sailor To Be Honest.

in #story5 years ago

JOIN ME ON MY JOURNEY INTO INSANITY. ONCE AGAIN IT'S TIME FOR ME TO USE LOGIC IN WAYS IT WAS NEVER INTENDED TO BE USED. (It's not logical really, it's a conceit intended for comedic purposes.)

The world is a horribly dangerous place isn't it? Thank God for that. I might be madder than a bag of monkeys, but I've got opinions and the ability to shit them out. Here in the relative safety of the developed world, where I can whine continuously about my minor First World problems. Like there being far too many varieties of pasta sauce for me to keep track of. Or serving suggestions on a tin of peas. It's just a picture of a pile of peas for fuck sake. Who is that helping? The answer is fuckwits. I have the privilege of living in a fuckwit friendly environment. Once upon a time fuckwits were rapidly weeded out of the gene pool, before they could contaminate it. In most of the world they still are. Here, in what is jokingly called the developed world, the stupid are protected from their own stupidity. They then go on to produce even more fuckwits. It's reached the point where things are so fuckwit friendly they now run things. You might think I'm overusing fuckwit, but you can't. There are so many fuckwits. We've got fuckwit politicians, fuckwit celebrities, fuckwit journalists and an increasingly fuckwitted population that follows these fuckwits every brain fart, to the letter.

We need an intelligent well thought out opinion on a complex multifaceted issue that requires deep understanding and expert knowledge. Let's ask a celebrity fuckwit what they think. Jenny McCarthy is available. You know she's that moron who's against vaccinations for no reason, but in favor of sticking botulism in her own face. Let's get her medical opinion on a subject she knows fuck all about. The other fuckwits love her. NO. It's time to bring back Natural Selection. Stop protecting and deifying fuckwits. If they want to wander into traffic, let them. If they want to stick their fingers into power sockets, encourage them. If they want to promote peace and understanding by travelling to the most dangerous countries on earth, buy them a ticket. Then start the memorial FaceBook page saying what wonderful fuckwits they were. When they entered a room the whole place lit up (miss out the bit that it was because they were always sticking their fingers in power sockets), while the IQ average dropped fifty points. And that was in a room filled with fuckwits. I've now used up my entire quota of fuckwits for 2019. It was well worth it though.


(The copyright to this image is the property of YouTube.com.)

He had a medal. The pirate lord, who was a lady, had put it around his neck. Solid gold, with two crossed cutlasses on one side and some peculiar symbols on the other. Jake really didn't know what to think of it. He'd won it for bravery. Surely that couldn't be right. It felt wrong. Him being the only member of the boarding party who thought they had a chance. The others had known they were throwing their lives away. That was bravery. They were heroes. Jake was only an artificially supercharged idiot with a sword and pistols. It made him think though. He'd had the honor of meeting men who'd won their countries highest awards for valor. They'd all been modest and unassuming. Claiming they'd done nothing that anyone one else wouldn't have done in the same situation. It was still impossible for him to believe they weren't exceptionally courageous. If he got a medal for being an unthinking idiot, why hadn't Doxy and all the others received one for risking their lives? It didn't make sense.

There were still a lot of people milling about. A fair number were average ones here. Unlike Bristol and its surrounds, it wasn't entirely populated with physically perfect specimens of human beauty. Even though he didn't like crowds, Jake was already feeling more at home. Instead of being in the bottom one percent, of one percent, he was now in the bottom 50%. In most ways that did more for his self esteem than the medal. Hats were big here to. Around half those meandering around the docks wore one. He'd made a good choice, shame he'd left his back on the ship. Those little robots looked sweet he thought. Weaving their way through the multitude. Whistling and tweeting as they dodged around the randomly moving pedestrians. The spicey smells were mind numbing. Food of some sort was being cooked somewhere. Even mixed in with the odor of the sea, it made his mouth water. There was hubbub everywhere. Out of that confusion his eyes were drawn to a blonde woman who was at least a head taller than anyone around her. The blondest person he'd ever seen. At least 1.9 meters in height. Possibly 2. Up there with Fetu and Slayer. That was a big girl. A lady who drew his eyes like a magnet as she waded through the midgets in her path.

As the lady drew closer he saw that it was more a case of the water of humanity parting in front of her. When she was on the move you got out of her way. Either that or you were trodden underfoot. Those pale blue eyes skewered his. Then dismissed him as nothing of any significance, before returning to scanning her environment. One of Fetu's huge elbows nudged him powerfully in the back, causing Jake to take a short step forward to maintain his balance.

"Beautiful isn't it." Yes she was beautiful, you couldn't argue with that. From the striking pale blonde hair, in a pigtail that went to her slim waist, to the confident sway of her hips. That was still no way to refer to a woman. "Hey Ellie." The navigator called out. "Nice ax."
Oh, so that's what he'd been referring to. It was big as well. Going completely unnoticed by him while he'd been ogling her, like the pathetic pervert he was. He hadn't noticed the man walking beside her either. Possibly due to the bright red and gold coat and tight blue trousers he was wearing and the plumed hat of course. Doxy had certainly spotted him. She took off at a run, leaping at him then wrapping her arms and legs tightly around his body while she kissed him passionately. For quite some time. In the end they both came up for oxygen. Her legs still wrapped around the man, she held his face close to hers.
"It's good to see ya. You to Ellie." The two ladies briefly acknowledged one another. "What have you been up to eh? You old bilge rat."
He held her waist. Smiling at her fondly before hugging her close again.
"Just the usual. Blundering around keeping Ellie busy, saving my ass. Nothing special. What about you though? Where have you been? How long is it four, five months since I last saw you. I thought maybe you forgot about me."
"More or less." Doxy answered. "It's a long story. Even longer in the telling. I'd never forget you. Not after what we've been through."
"I thought maybe you'd settled down with that Jean-Pierre. I can't help it, I don't like the fellow. Where is he anyway?"
Doxy lost a lot of her sparkle. Releasing her hold on Alain, dropping to the ground.
"We parted ways a few weeks ago." She dissembled. "Turned out we weren't as suited as I thought."
"Good, he was a piece of shit. There, I've said it. Did he leave you or did you finally see sense?"
She'd swung away from the Frenchman, so he didn't see the dark look on her face. Jake did, the hurt still lingered on it seemed.
"It was a bit of both. Come and meet his replacement."
Alain and Jake eyed one another before the captain of the Belle Dame grinned approvingly.
"This is him? What do you think Ellie? I like him."
Jake felt himself melting under her intense gaze. He had to look away or become a puddle on the ground. He gave Alain a grimace. He laughed.
"I've seen worse." She admitted. "Takes balls to lead a Forlorn Hope. Or mindless optimism and a lack of imagination."
"It was extreme stupidity in my case. Didn't have a clue what was going on."
Oh God, she almost smiled at him then. There was a nod though. whatever that signified. Well that Ashenram hadn't given him an aversion to all things French. Jake liked Alain to. It was hard not to. Doxy clasped him on his shoulder. Whispering in his ear.
"I appreciate it."
She turned back masking her true emotions. Now if Jake could only work out what it was she appreciated he'd know one thing more about something. Knowing something about anything would be a huge leap forward.
"I didn't do anything really. It was all over before I could think. Now you, outnumbered two to one. Outgunned at least three to one. That's impressive."
"You know something about naval combat then?"
"Not really. I'm more of a passenger than a sailor. I'm more of a wardrobe than a sailor to be honest. You must be a very capable captain."
"I know nothing. I just give Ellie an order. She tells me I'm an ignorant fool and does things the right way. It seems to work. All I have to do is pretend I know what I'm doing and hope my crew doesn't discover I'm a fraud. Your captain taught me all I know when I sailed with her. She is a very good teacher, but I am a very poor student."
"You seem to be a bit more than friends, judging by the welcome she gave you."
He might have overstepped the mark there, judging from their expressions. Maybe they weren't as casual about sex as they made out.
"Merde." Alain exclaimed. "That would be like sleeping with my sister and my mother at the same time. It might be fine here, but not where I came from. I washed up here over eight years ago. Before that I was a mechanical engineer. You should have seen me back then. Your captain and I have a history. Not all of it good. I fell in with a bad lot. Didn't know any better. We were mortal enemies for at least two years. How many times did you kill me eh?" He inquired of Doxy. "Was it three or four?"
"It was only three." She replied. "The way you kept coming back for more I knew you'd be worth getting on my side. Otherwise it would have become dull and repetitive."
"Only four? Are you sure?"
"You know I said it was three."
She was lying. Jake didn't know how he knew. Alain was pretty sure she was being untruthful as well. Another opportunity for him to change the subject.
"So the usual ups and downs in any friendship. She thought you were The Wanderer didn't she."
Where the hell had that come from? The statement out of his mouth before even thinking it. He saw Doxy nod at Alain.
"Indeed she did. It was not to be."
An uncomfortable mood had settled upon them. One that even Ellie was aware of. The thing was that along with the knowledge of this fact he'd received something else. The certainty that it was nobodies fault except this Wanderer.
"I'm sure there are very good reasons why this has to be. I don't like it, but I like it less that it could be my fault. I really don't know if I want to be that guy. He seems like a real dick. If it is me I'm sorry for all the trouble I'm causing." He looked at Doxy. "Seems to me your searching for a turd among a lot of other turds. No offence Alain. I hope to God he's worth it."
Doxy's head tilted to one side as she regarded him. That unreadable expression on her face.
"He is. And I've got to say that thanks to him I've met a lot of very interesting people. And Alain of course."
The grin on his nodding head froze.
"Hey. I can be interesting. Ask Ellie if you don't believe me." The blonde giant shrugged. "Merde. You God damns sure know how to hurt a guys feelings."
The spell of gloom had been broken.
"What are you moaning about. You got a bigger medal than me." Jake poked the one on Alain's chest. Some kind of silver, eagle shaped bird, mounted into the gold.
Alain flicked it disconsolately.
"Yeah, but I already got two of these. They hand them out like candy. Just ask your captain."
They all looked at her.
"Yeah. I've got a couple to." She agreed, dismissively.
"That's not like you at all." Jake retorted suspiciously. "You don't even know what the word modesty means. How many have you got really?"
Doxy polished her nails then studied them.
"I've got seven. Three of those as well." She indicated the bauble on Jake's chest. "And a couple of Golden Eagle's. I don't like to talk about it."
"Bullshit." Alain and Jake declared simultaneously
"I can't help being awesome. Sometimes it's a burden, believe me."
Again, the two men gave the same audible cry of disbelief at the exact same time.
"She screwed you over to didn't she." Jake proclaimed to Alain.
"More than once." He admitted.
"That's why you went after her. Me I just rolled over and let her do it again and again. She's still doing it."
His captain assumed her virtuous, guileless expression.
"Look, I'm not the villain here. At the end of the day we're all innocent pawns of a greater destiny."
"Balls." Jake exploded. "We're the pawns. You're the queen zooming about in every direction."
"I see myself as a knight these days." Alain stated.
"Yeah I'm more of a bishop. I let the pawns get out of the way. Instead of trampling all over them." The potential Wanderer contemplated thoughtfully.
"Queens don't trample pawns." She asserted.
"They do if they're on the other bloody side. And nobody knows whose side your on most of the time."
Why were they laughing? That impassive Nordic giant almost smirked. Suddenly her eyes narrowed as she nodded at what was heading towards them.
"What the hell are they?" Jake breathed softly.
At least a dozen diminutive figures were strutting towards them along the dock. About a meter and a half tall wearing brown robes. Their uncovered heads bearing red, yellow and green feathers. Large birdlike eyes filled a third of their faces. Enormous black pupils within a golden ring. Forward facing above a small beaked mouth and nostrils.
"Simbri." Ellie intoned. "You don't get them round here. Nearest place you'll usually find them is at least 40,000 nautical miles away. Out past Alibra. They aren't sailors, they don't like water deeper than they can paddle in and they can't fly. Must have taken them at least two years to get here. Most probably a lot more."
"I've heard of them." Doxy mused. "Never seen them before. Natives of The Never so they say."
"Don't make any sudden movements." Ellie instructed.
Rather ominously as far as Jake was concerned. The Viking taking a step back didn't ease that impression.
"Why not?" he hissed.
"You'll scare them." She whispered, before taking another reverse stride.
Leaving him alone as far as he could tell. He clasped and unclasped his hands nervously. He'd scare them? A few clustered around him while the others went to inspect his companions. They were chirping at him. The translator chimed in.
"Not found in lexicon. Language unknown."
"Thanks a bunch." He murmured as quietly as he could.
Hermes was notable for his absence. He really would have to get over his crush on Morag. Oh great now all of the bird people were around him. A couple pulled at his arm. He resisted, until one of them tapped his hand with a scroll. Right they weren't gong to claw his intestines out with their talons then. He opened his hand out palm upwards. The scroll was placed in it. One of the bird creatures did a curious head and neck movement.
"Read please. Read please." It squawked.
Then they hurried away. Skittering along the walkway. Staying as far from the water, to either side, as
they could. Jake was still frozen when Doxy took the scroll out of his hand. Unrolling it.
"What does it say?"
"Buggered if I know." She responded. "I know what it means though."
"And that is?" Jake asked.
"We're going to have an adventure in parts unknown. You in Alain?"
"Try and stop me. We have repairs to make. Should take only a few days."
"Zhen Li will be up for it. Can you think of anyone else?"
"Santiago is in port with the Santiana Maria and Isabella, both good ships."
"It's going to take us at least a week to prepare. We need to take on extra crew. That'll cost."
"Of course it might be a good idea to get that scroll translated. It could be a shopping list or a note for the milkman. Do you have milkmen here?"
Nobody was paying any attention to Jake. His captain was tapping her chin with that parchment.
"We can't take it into Ye Olde Booke Shoppe, that's for sure. Not from here anyway. Daisy might know something." She started pacing up and down. "I've got it. Norbert the Nerd. He's an absolute mountain of useless information. We'll need to get out to his hermit cave then." With that she gave an ear shredding whistle. "Fetu, Mr Pengelly to me. And you Sparky. First we'll pop to the bank, get some spending money."

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