THE VILLAGE : Part 53 - Why Have You Got Four Coffins Though?

This is the delightful town of Bude which is at the northern tip of Cornwall. Being less than a 1200 years old it counts as a new town. This bustling metropolis once had a canal that ran all the way to Launceston. It was a Victorian spa town so every summer hordes of Victorians would visit. They'd don their full body, woolen bathing suits, wade out into the sea and drown. But we should never forget that there were bad times as well. Some years hardly any Victorian's would drown so the locals would have to invent other entertainments. The clubbing to death of Victorians took off at this point. You could get a very good price for their pelts, so they say.

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Muscles and sinews strained to their physical limits. Lactic acid burning it's way through his blood. Michael heaved himself up using his arms.

"How many is that now?"
"Four." Doidge replied. "Three and a half really cos you aren't supposed to poke your chin above the bar. You're supposed to lift it."
"How do you think I'm doing?" Michael inquired as he dropped to the ground.
"It's hard to say so early in the process but I'd estimate your survival chances have at least doubled. From one in a million to one in half a million."
"Yeah I'm still not getting the joke here. Doogie keeps saying something similar. I'm just brushing up my combat skills. Why do you and Doogie keep going on about survival and saying I've improved enough to last almost five seconds?"
At this point Doogie himself cut in.
"Reasons."
Michael shrugged and then regretted it as his muscles cramped up.
"I suppose that'll have to do. I expect I could give a few of those kids in reception class a bloody good thrashing."
"Well one of them. If they were poorly and blind. As long as you sneaked up on them from behind. We keep telling you. You have to let your instincts take over here. There's no time to think things through. You have to act and react instinctively when you're fighting for your life."
"I'm not planning on doing that any time soon. Or ever."
"Yeah but you aren't going to have any say in it are you. I've still got those wooden fence posts you could hide behind. Take one home with you to practice. Have you told Sophie what you're doing up here every evening?"
"No. Do you think I should?"
"I'd keep it as a surprise if I was you. Thank fuck I'm not you though. Especially with what's coming your way. I would like to say it's been nice knowing you. But it hasn't, so I can't."
"I'm touched. That's made me feel slightly emotional. Oh no wait. It's not emotion. It's wind."
"You wouldn't know an emotion if it came up and bit you on the ass. Even if it rang you up to make an appointment."
"Emotions are overrated. When I went on my run..
"Stroll" Doogie corrected.
"When I went on my RUN this morning I thought to myself: Why haven't I been doing this all along?"
"So did you come up with an answer?"
"Yeah. It's because I fucking hate it. Running for running's sake. I think the ladies have it right with their assault course route. That's way less boring."
"You gonna try it?"
"Fuck off. It would kill me."
"True but it would be a lot quicker than whats gonna happen to ya shortly."
Michael, who had been using a couple of tiny dumbbells all this while, looked puzzled, bamboozled and mystified.
"Is there something I don't know that makes your survival comments more relevant."
"Oh mate. Thing is you do know it. Only you've chosen to forget it."
"Surely it couldn't be that important then."
Take a step back and think that through Mikey. There are things you've chosen to forget. You've chosen to forget them for important reasons. Therefore it is that important."
"Alright, but can't you be more precise and a lot less enigmatic about what it is."
"I cannot. I have very specific instructions and Doidge and I have pushed the limit with what we've already hinted to you."
"Can you at least tell me who gave you these instructions?"
"Not a problem. It was you."
"Oddly enough I find that very believable. I've forgotten why I needed to forget. Perhaps when I remember why I'll stop forgetting."
"Oh Michael if only it was going to be as easy as that. If only there was a switch you could flick to solve all your problems."
"You mean there isn't? Fuck. There goes my entire life strategy. Ah well, the chances are I'll forget you told me eventually. So are we going to do a bit of sparring later?"
Doogie roared with laughter.
"Sparring? What we do isn't sparring. I stand there and let you hit me until you get tired."
"Oh right. I was wandering why it was you'd never hit me. I briefly considered the possibility I was good. I swiftly dismissed that though."
"I'll get the pads." Doogie declared. "One thing though. Try and get those kicks above knee height."
"Isn't there a danger I could kick you in the nuts?"
"No danger of that ever happening. Once is more than enough for any man. After that you know, deep down in the core of your being. Your very soul. You are never going to allow anyone to kick you in the nuts again."
"I've got a bit of money you know. What say, that in the event this fight for survival ever happens, you fight on my behalf. As my champion so to speak."
"That's not gonna happen."
"Why not?"
"Firstly because I'm under instructions not to interfere."
"Okay but what if I said ignore my previous instructions and gave you even more money."
"Not a chance."
"Why now?"
"I will refer you back to my previous statement and my resolution to never get kicked in the nuts again. Especially not by... whoever you're fighting for survival against. Could be anyone I suppose. You've annoyed a lot of people and pissed off even more. Then there's the hordes who hate you. If you were murdered and the police asked if there was anyone who had a grudge against you I'd point them towards a telephone directory."
"Do they do those anymore?"
"You can still get them. I'd advise you to stick one down your pants."
"Will that save my balls?"
"No, but it'll spread out the impact. They might be able to save one of them."
"Wouldn't I be better getting one of those cup things."
Michael demonstrated by shoving his hand down his jeans.
"You might think so and in a sporting situation one might help you avoid ruptured testicles. However with the right skill set there are people who can shatter them. Knew a man once, came up against someone who shattered his cup like a frigging egg. Split it from top to bottom. Hit it so hard his cock ended up trapped in it. You wouldn't believe a flaccid dick could bleed so much or a man could scream so loud. And that was nothing compared to the noise he made when we tried to get it off."
Michael's face took on a look of pure cunning.
"Hold on. I've had a thought. Why don't we get the drone out and use it to explore Smugglers Pantry. I know they used to run guns to the IRA from here. There might be something I could use for self defense purposes. Who knows what we might find."
Doidge, who'd been quiet for a while now, piped up.
"Me and Doogie do. We uses it on a regular basis. There's nothing down there of any use to you Michael. Although there is four coffins we're storing for people. I expect if you asked nicely someone might let you have theirs. Seeing as your gonna need it well before them."
"Thanks Doidge. For nothing that is. Why have you got four coffins though?"
"We found them and they were ideal for a job we did. After that seemed a shame to let them go to waste so we sold them to interested buyers. Good coffins are really expensive."
"As you're very shortly going to find out." Doogie added.
"Only I'll be dead won't I. I mean in order to need a coffin, I'd need to be dead."
"Not necessarily. You can use coffins for all sorts. In your case it would most likely be to get buried in though. You could store books in them I suppose." Doidge admitted
"For fuck sake don't say anything about that to Sophie. That'll end up in our evolving agreement. Either that or as a suggestion for the library van. She hasn't done vampires yet but I think it's because it's become a cliche. Wait a minute. I bet she could use one for those cosplay ghost hunting weekends she's planning."
To his surprise both Doogie and Doidge perked up at his suggestion.
"We shoulda thought of that Doogie."
"I know mate. Maybe we should go down there later see what else we got stored that might be of use."
"So you two knew about the cosplay thing then."
"Yeah." Doidge admitted. "We been looking at plans. We can do a lot of the ground work but it's going to need a proper craftsman to do stuff like the oak paneling and cornices. Sophie said we could be extras and that."
Michael had drifted off near the end. He was staring into the distance.
"I could get a taser."
Doogie gave him a look that could only be described as askance.
"Only if you fancy having it stuffed up your ass. You get a taser and that's only going to make them angry. Anything less than a .45 will only make them laugh."
"Could I get hold of a .45 then. That way I could keep them at bay until I'd reasoned with them."
"That'll only join the taser up your rectum Mikey."
"You know it almost sounds like you know the identity of whoever it is I'll potentially be fighting for survival against."
"Let's just say we knew them years ago Michael." Doogie stated.
"When you say them do you mean more than one?"
"As far as you're concerned it might as well be an army coming for you. Oh boy. Come on dick wit let's get this sparring out of the way."
"See you called it sparring."
"I was being sarcastic. Now hit me. And keep those frigging kicks up."

Up at Deveraux House a certain Sophie Deveraux had reached the half way point of her video clips. The next file wasn't video or audio. A quick examination made her smile down to her feet. It was the encryption key Michael had used on his files. Most of which were spreadsheets or databases she assumed. No way to tell yet. The file extensions had been altered. She swore. The key was so complicated it would take at least an hour to completely decrypt. She could be patient though. Sophie switched back to the frozen frame of the last file she'd seen.

"I'm going to find out what that bastard did to you my love. Then if it's that bad I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill him. Slowly and painfully but ever so violently."