Will you go to the Canarys? Part 1.

It was 2009. I had been promoted at the start of the year to store manager. I had worked my way up, ended up in head office, got to know the fat cats and within a year they asked me to manage one of the stores. It was in a town called Mullingar in the center of Ireland. It was a relatively large store with a strong trade union. I was used to managing trade union stores all the way up so it was nothing new. I always treated staff as if my mother was working there too. That helped me alot but I always made sure they were happy and I bent over backwards for them most of the time. The union staff would involve lots of moaning and getting away with murder basically. It was the cushiest number ever. They did fuck all and if anyone asked them to do anything they would look at the managers as if they stabbed their prize poodle in both eyes. The company treated the staff very very well and paid them handsomely. Most of these guys are on over €16 an hour. They were so well treated that the unions demands were outlandish. If you gave an inch they would take a mile. It was nuts. I have nothing against unions once they are fair but these unions were bullies demanding more until the company would cease to exist. There was a woman called Helen who was the shop steward and she was the most miserable woman I have ever met in my entire life. She used to love coming into my office asking if she could have a chat. She would then claim that all the managers had bad attitudes. Any tiny problem always snowballed and she made minor issues into major ones. I always wondered about these people whether they were happy in their home life. Helen wouldn't be long about hanging you out to dry so I made sure if she wanted to come into my office it was by appointment only. So now whenever she walked in , I would say I was busy and I would get back to her that day. I always got back to her 10 minutes before she finished so she would have to get to the point real quick instead of wasting both our time moaning and saying snide remarks. She would always leave on time of course. What was extremely important one minute wasn't very important once she was finished. She hated when I said hello to her in the mornings with a big smile on my face and I made it a point to find her every day and give her a massive
Gooooooooooodddddd morning Helen
You aul bag I thought to myself. I hate you
Can I come and see you?
Of course Helen, my diary is full in the morning. What time are you gone at?
4
Ok come into me around quarter to. What is the nature of your visit today
My toe
Your toe? Ok then. I will see you then

I went up to the office and rang a manager on the floor.
What's wrong with your one's toe?

She needs an operation on it

Excellent, the longer she's out the bloody better. Bit of peace and quiet.

So that evening Helen hobbled into my office. The toe had gotten worse by the hour. At least it isn't a union issue I thought. I was battled harden at this stage and I had to watch every word I said in case it was twisted. It is terrible when you have to do this in a job.

I have a problem with my toe and I will need sometime out

Helen that is no problem whatsoever. How long do you need off?

Around 6 weeks post op.

No problem Helen. Sure we will give you a ring to see how you are anyway after it.

How many sick days have I left?

She knows down to the minute I thought to myself.

You have 25 days left Helen so thats 5 weeks paid

I will take the other week as holidays

No problem Helen

Then Helen took off her shoe and showed me her in grown toe nail on her left foot. I was never so close to gawking in my entire life. Some granny showing me her toe nails wasn't my idea of a good time.


She then started going into detail about how it came about and 5 misdiagnosis's that had occurred before the actual problem was found.

I pity the consultants I thought to myself.
I am not alone in the world. She hates them as well. 4 o clock came and Helen put back on her sock and gave a grunt of goodbye and she was gone like the clappers out the door as fast as her ingrown toenails could carry her.
Once she was gone I have never questioned my existence so much in my life. What am I doing here? I am 25, in a store where most people hate me because I was the boss. I was too young for this amount of shite. No matter how nice I was , I would never be liked because that was their mentality. Some auld one just showed me her disgusting toes and is now waddling past my office door like Quasimodo. I nearly gawked again. Her head was replaced by the giant toe that had been etched into my retinas. A big toe just walked past my office. I gotta start making an exit strategy here or I am done for. I will become the most miserable bastard with them. No change. I am fun Bobby. Noone will get me down. The next day a guardian angel walked into the store in the guise of my area manager.
I have a question to ask you and you can say no if you want

OK I said. Go on then. Ask the bloody question...

We are setting up 2 stores in the Canary Islands and we need a manager to go down there for a year to oversee operations for the boss. Your name was mentioned. Would you be interested?

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES I thought to myself. Course I will go you absolute lunatic. I am in this shithole in the middle of nowhere with giant toe people. The film The Revenant was less miserable than this place. Book my flights female Jesus and send me off on my way. I love you. Besos Muackkks I said in my mind.

*A year is a long time. * I said.
What is the package?

What is the package? are the words I got off a retail friend whenever they wanted to move him. He would always get a bump in his wages and now he was one of the highest paid in the company all because he uttered 4 simple words every time he was requested to do anything. What is the package?

We pay your rent and all bills of course. If you want to stay in a hotel thats fine with us. We pay for your transport to and from the store. If you rent a car we will cover it and you will get a company phone and laptop. We will also give you a bonus at the end on top of your regular one. We will not be increasing your salary as the cost of living down there is half what it is here and we fly you home whenever.

Holy Moley I thought to myself. Should I not be paying them for going to paradise for a year.
Is this a dream?
It has to be a dream

It wasn't a dream. I said yes of course. I flew down that September to Las Palmas. Las Arenas in Las Palmas was the store I was to open. I booked into the AC Hotel and started making myself at home. The pool was on the roof. Classy touch . I think I will stay here.


I went to the store on my first day and I found that my office had a view of the beach. I just hit the jackpot. I took some photos and sent to my pals back home. It was still 30 degrees here. I was roasting. Two staff walked past my office door and said goodbye.
Hasta Manana they sung to me in their lovely accent. The Canarians are known to be the most beautiful people in the world. It is 3000 miles off the coast of Spain and only 60 miles off the coast of Africa so they are tanned with brown eyes. The girls that passed the office door a couple of minutes before passed again but with one difference. They were wearing bikinis and had bumps in all the right places. I didn't know where to look.


Hasta manana, I blurted out in my thick Tipperary accent.
Life does this to you. One day you are looking at some old one's toes and the next day you are in heaven looking at beach babes. Helen should be back soon and some poor soul is gonna have to deal with her shit and probably have to look at her toe scar. I giggled to myself. I finished up work and enjoyed the sunshine in a nice little cafe bar overlooking the Las Canteras beach. I asked the waiter for a water in Spanish. In for the penny in for the pound.
Hola, Aqui por favor
The guy didn't understand and gave me down a beer.
I'm on holidays I thought to myself.
For the next year

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