OFFICIALLY UNOFFICIAL UPDATE TO TSA REGULATIONS - Starting June 12 2018 (SATIRE)
The following has been approved by the central committee of the central committee of the psycho in an oval office.
Any and all passengers who are caught blowing their nose will be severely scowled at and moved to the back of the line.
Paper books will be treated with extra contempt. Any passenger carrying more than 2 paper books will face closer inspection by police dogs.
Anyone carrying doggy treats will be banned from flying forever.
All passengers carrying personal hygiene products will be moved to a separate inspection line, at airports starting with the letter “S”, in tropical climate zones, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Anyone making derogatory comments about TSA regulations will have their shoe laces tied together for an indefinite period of time.
All children under the age of ten will not be permitted to carry any type of green colored bags, except in Kansas City.
Anyone between the ages of 27 and 52 will not be allowed to fly out of Chicago on July 1.
Anyone caught with more than 100 U.S. dollars cash after sunset will be reported to the IRS.
No more than 3 ounces of chocolate will be permitted per passenger between 9 and 10am. An overabundance of chocolate will be subject to reduction by TSA personnel.
Any passenger who submits to iris scans without whining will receive a 10 percent discount on their next Amazon purchase, or a ten percent lifetime discount at Applebees.
All fedoras must be placed in a plastic bag and scanned separately, except on Monday nights in Miami.
Any and all TSA regulations may or may not be enforced at any time, any place, and/or for any reason.
End officially unofficial update
Thanks for your time and attention!
Just say "NO" to slavery!
Top image is from Flickr
Get ready for the "no chocolate on flights riots" of 2018. I actually like the thumbnail picture by the way. Ben Franklin wrote to his daughter of his belief that the turkey as the National bird was a better option than the eagle, and gave a pretty damned good argument for it:
“For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.
With all this injustice, he is never in good case but like those among men who live by sharping & robbing he is generally poor and often very lousy. Besides he is a rank coward: The little King Bird not bigger than a Sparrow attacks him boldly and drives him out of the district. He is therefore by no means a proper emblem for the brave and honest Cincinnati of America who have driven all the King birds from our country…
“I am on this account not displeased that the Figure is not known as a Bald Eagle, but looks more like a Turkey. For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America… He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on.”
Thanks, nice quote. Where did you get the quote from?
It's from a letter he wrote to his daughter. I searched "Ben Franklin turkey national bird" after remembering the story.
A very special article
Well done publishing
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