#ulog Day 4: I wish this is just a bad dream :(

I never thought I'd break down like this. I never dreamed this would happen. This has never been on my plan. But why? Why is this happening now?

HE CAME BACK! Yes, he did..

I wanted so much to hug him and tell him that i love him so much and that, I cannot imagine life without him. But, what am I going to do? I can't feel anything anymore. I think I lost my heart somewhere. He cried. I cried. We cried together. Everything was just chaos. It was like I am on top of a rainbow and all of a sudden, fell into a mud. I was on a colorful world but now, I am back to feeling so dim. Seems like I can't see anything. I can't feel anything. What is wrong with me?

Last night, I joined the Live Talk Show but he wanted to watch a movie with me. I told him I cannot do those two things at the same time.

He asked me what would I chose to do. I said I want to listen to the Live Talk Show. He got mad. He hang up on me.

I told him to join because I want him to be a part of what I do. But he said he don't understand it. I don't understand how cars works, too. But, I listen. I try so hard to understand because I want to be with his world. I don't know how to fix phones but I let him teach me because I want to be a part of his world. I don't understand watching sci-fi movies but I still watch it together with him because I want to be a part of his world. But, why is it that he don't want to be a part of what I do? A part of my world? (He has always been like that. Not just with the Live Talk Show. So, it has nothing to do with it.)

But don't get me wrong. I loved him. And i still do. He has also been there for me at the times I needed him most. He has been there to support me financially. He has been there to surprise me and make me feel special. He spoil me with material things. He gave me a laptop. He gave me two phones. (And now, there is another phone that he sent which is in the post office right now) But, I don't want material things. I want him to trust me and our relationship and accept me for who i am and be in each other's worlds.

I am trying so hard to remember what happened that lead it to this.

I tried calling him back many times. But, I didn't know where he went. I don't know what happened! Things were just not clear to me anymore.

And then, he started to delete everything on his facebook. He deleted his profile picture which has my picture on it. He deleted the nicknames that we put on our chat. He deleted the relationship status. :'( But whyyy??? Why would he even do that??

He always tell me that we don't talk much when in fact, I am talking to him. So, I told him that it should be better if we don't talk for a day so that he will know what "not talking" really means.

He said he don't want to do that but what did he do? he said he don't want to do it but he just deleted everything.

If you really don't want something, you should be doing something to stop it from happening, right? And not do otherwise.

We were messaging on the messenger chat and he just stopped replying. So, I called him.

And you know what happened? HE YELLED AT ME!

I was shocked. It left me shaking. And that was just like a knife that stabbed my heart.

He was asking me what did he do to ruin me? He was saying we had a lot of arguments before and why is it that right now, all of a sudden, I shut down? He was asking if it was because he yelled at me.

I simply told him, "Think about a balloon. If you put in more and more and more air to it, what will happen?"

He didn't say anything.

So I continued, "Would a balloon pop with just a single blow?"

And then he said, "I think we both know the answer to that."

And I don't even know what he meant by that.

He keeps on asking me if I want to still continue being with him. But I don't know. I just can't feel anything anymore.

He told me that if I would really want us to end everything, he wants me to return the laptop he gave me. And, I do not have any problem with that.

And I told him, "Can I ask a favor, too? Can you give me my heart back? The laptop can just be bought somewhere. But, can you buy me a heart again? Can you give me back my heart? I want to feel again."

I cried. I wasted a lot of tissue trying to wipe my tears and blow my nose.

And now, I don't know what we are. I don't know what is going on. Or maybe I just can't think straight anymore. I have already skipped two meals. And I missed my appointment at church. I am supposed to be going to church today to make something for mother's day but, how I can go like this??

I don't know what to do anymore. Can anybody please explain and help me please... :'(

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P.S. I am sorry if this post is just so messed up. I just don't have the energy to be making it nicer to look at anymore. :(